Addictions do not occur in a vacuum.

I am of the belief that addictions are used to quell pain. In my thinking, it's a symptom and not a cause in and of itself.

When a person's ego is split by early life trauma, the person may well begin an internal war of self-conflict that compels them to self soothe in a number of ways...not just substance abuse.

Reckless behavior can be one such manifestation of an addiction process.

I do agree in that addictions are symptoms. I would also go as far as to say that an addiction is probably very hard to resist and or fight. I don't want to come across as I don't identify or understand the addiction. What I have a hard time with is using it for an excuse?

I grew up in an alcoholic household, as both my father and my older brother were alcoholics, abusive and my brother also did drugs. Both sought treatment but by then I was almost out of the home so I was exposed to it since I can rember along with violence and other things that could of made me choose to self- medicate or put any of my behaviors that I have or what I have learned into a negative force as well. By that I mean treat others badly, blame them over myself, lie, cheat, steal, emotionally abuse, and physically abuse and chalk it up to my childhood or that I was an addict? To my knowledge, I do not do these things. I am also not an addict, at least in the forms I know, drugs, alcohol, sex, or reckless behavior. Not saying I have never made a bad choice, but I know right from wrong.
So I guess what I am trying to get at is what is the genral overall feeling that we can excuse behavior due to either addictions or past history?

My ex had addictions to alcohol, and marijuana, and had experimented with other drugs when she was younger. She was not a daily user, but she could not contemplate certain social activities without them.

For awhile, I blamed her bad behavior on the substances. Clearly, her behavior was much more abusive when drunk or stoned, and I hypothesize that years of substance abuse had an effect on her everyday behavior as well. I would not be surprised if this caused and actual physical damage to her brain, especially since she told me she started with drugs and alcohol at 12-13 years old.

And then I started going to Alanon meetings, and reconciled that addiction itself is the disease, and that her behavior is from the addiction and not the substance. From what she told me about her adolescence and young adult years, it seemed she was constantly addicted to something - whether a substance, activity, or idea. She definitely had that "escapism" mindset.

I noticed in Alanon that with many of the other members whose addict was a spouse or partner, that partner was often abusive. They shared many of the same characteristics as my ex.

I think the addiciton is a symptom of a deeper problem, as the abuse is a symptom of that same deeper problem. If you read about personality disorders, you will notice that one common trait is drug or alcohol dependencies. That's not to say all addicts are abusive, or all abusers are addicts.

And like you, I used her addicitons as an excuse and treated them as a disease that she needed help with.

When someone says things like "I really need a drink", or they admit their goal of drinking is to get drunk, or are proud of themselves for getting drunk, or cannot enjoy certain activities without a drink or drugs - be afraid. That is a major red flag that I don't want to be involved with any more.

Azkevin, I can relate and you would think I would avoid addictive behaviors like the plague with what I have been through. If I know of them ahead of time, I will. Actually though it seems people will hide them in the beginning and by the time you see it, you have feelings for them. I have even had addictive friends that I have gotten real close to and had to distance myself as thier behavior was so destructive to me.
Again, I am not judging the person, just saying in my mind I have yet to find a person that has addictions that does not abuse, just my experience.

Tragically where I live, you are more the odd one if you don't do drugs or drink heavy. There is also a lot of promiscuity to the point of endangering not only the person's welfare but the welfare of others with possible STD,s or other repurcussions.
I have gotten to where I don't even date anymore, my trust is so low and I feel I need a lot more strength and self love before I can get into dating or relationships.

I wanted to add that I am sorry this happened to you. As I said, unfortunately I can relate.

Joanie, my ex didn't need a drink to be obnoxious, but when he did, he could really win an award. He became a terrible alcoholic the last 10 years of our marriage. It was bad.

I never saw it as an excuse, but more, as a symptom of all the things that were wrong. Of the deep-seated stuff that he was running from and projecting onto my son and I.

He quit drinking for awhile, when I requested an alcohol eval during our divorce. But he was just a dry drunk.

It is a shame to watch someone travel down that road. We met when we were 18, we divorced when we were 58, over those 40 years....he just continued his path of destruction. Nothing and no one could stop him. Sad....

but I'm so glad to be free of it. saved my son and I from a death sentence...

Yes, I excused a great deal that my ex did as being "because" of his alcohol addiction. He only ever hit me when he was drunk, so in my head he wasn't really abusive, he was just a nasty drunk. I saw the alcohol as the problem, rather than just a symptom of the problem. And I tried so hard to help solve the alcohol problem, but it just wouldn't be solved. So yes, I stayed with him longer because of the alcohol than I otherwise might have, although the mindset of a victim is often to find ANY excuse to avoid facing the reality that the person they love is an abuser, so maybe if it weren't alcohol, I would just have found another reason why he really wasn't that bad.

From now on, though, no excuses. None.

My abusive ex husband was addicted to pot and porn, his two drugs of choice. He did try to blame all of his bad behavior on the pot coupled with his history of having been abused.

I think more than the pot addiction that fact that he had a crappy childhood and had been sexually abused by a family member really made me feel sorry for him and cut him way too much slack.

Addiction and abuse are definitely intertwined...

my abuser was a pot head. I never wanted to be with anyone who had an addiction (the boyfriend I had before him was a pot head, and was also abusive), but to me, pot was a relatively mild substance to be addicted to-if someone I was in a relationship was an alcoholic, I would have RUN in the opposite direction. I will NEVER be with a drinker.

I wonder with both those men, if they used to pot to calm down their anger (it didn't work THAT well, though god help me if they couldn't get any pot!)

I wonder just how many of our abusers have substance issues? I'm sure there are lots that don't, but I'm willing to bet that most do.

I was always given the excuse that the chemical, whether it be drugs or alcohol, helped to cope and calm them. I seen quite the opposite, especially with alchohol and most became violent when drunk or the abuse escalated, from argueing to guilt or laying blame. Of course there would be apologies the next day or so.

With pot, I never noticed a big change in the one I knew that did it daily, but there again, I did not live with him and as far as drugs went, pot was low on the scale for him.

I do feel that they use thier addictions to benefit them.

The addiction does help them in one way or another...internally.

But, what you see externally is perhaps a heightening of their bad behavior because their inhibitions are reduced.

Abusers use their abusive behavior as a means of calming and soothing themselves as well. Internally, it's all about them...people on the outside get sucked into the addiction and the free-standing problems of which you may or may not be able to see.

By abusing others, it gives them the opportunity to "transfer" their pain, internal conflict and their anger onto others...as these things are intolerable for them to handle internally.

This is called commonly "Psychological Transferrance"...and is a Psychological Defense Mechanism.

They fully understand that "a burdened shared is only half as heavy"...although that's not the way they understand what they're doing and people just perceive them as being immature and obnoxious.

These people are too ashamed to be vulnerable and ask for help...and ask people to love them. They live and die with the illusion of false power in their lives. Most characterlogically angry people use anger as the primary, and oftentimes, only tool in their arsenal.

Anger gains them "right now" "respect". They perceive it as strength when it's anything but strength. They ultimately run people away and that amplifies their own internal and Narcissistic sense of lonliness.

It's not really an "excuse"...if you look closer...it's a reason.

Well said Tigertales, that abusers use thier behavior to soothe themselves. It is really all about them, true.