My ex smoked pot, and I told him to stop or I wouldn't be with him (before we were married). He told me quit, but it was a lie. He refused to seek any treatment.

drugs and or alcohol can cause abusive and abnormal behavior, lying, stealing, cheating, using etc etc. I do know that.

If you add that to an already abuser, then you've got a doubly abusive person. I'm not sure if they would change if it weren't for drugs or not, I never got to see them totally clean. And there are ones who don't do drugs and are abusive, controling etc. So I really don't know what's what with who. Depends on the person I guess. I abused alcohol and other drugs in my life but that didn't make me an intentionally cruel, lying person. You are who you are. I don't know. Gettin me thinkin.

Mine drank to excess along with a load of prescription drugs that don't mix well with alcohol. I'm sure the effect played no small part in his crazy behaviour. Given his personality - a very lelthal mix...

And, yes, mine did go for anger management. He attended two appointments and told me the therapist said he was "cured."

Alcohol was my ex's problem, and still is.

Mine was a self described "partier", which is a politically correct term for "addict" She's smoked pot regularly since she was 12-13 (30 years), drinks to excess, and in her past tried all kinds of drugs, including psychadelics and cocaine. This is something she seems to be proud of, and I have no doubt it has affected her behavior and her ability for rational thought. Much of her abuse was tied to times when she was either stoned or drunk, and even when she was technically sober, much of her abuse was tied to paranoid thoughts or just bizarre ideas she had when intoxicated.

It's a bit of a chicken and egg scenario. The substance abuse probably did not cause her narcissitic personality, but it did make it worse. But I also think her narcissitic personality led her to substance abuse, or at the very least kept her from seeing the substance abuse as a problem.

After the experience with her ANY kind of substance abuse or drinking with the intent to get drunk is a MAJOR red flag for me. I simply won't put up with it anymore.

Drug abuse and alcoholism will definitely cause abusive behaviors. However, they don't always. And for people who are abusive without such substances, drugs and alcohol can make their abusive behaviors a lot worse. I can tell you, I've been with non-alcoholic, non-drug using abusers, and those who did drink and/or drug. I don't see a specific pattern to it really.

In my opinion, I think the abusive behavior exists with or without the substances. I've noticed that alcohol tends to bring out more aggression than marijuana. However, it seems that narcotics and harder drugs can sometimes be worse than alcohol. So, really, I think its the person. I did drugs, I'm 12 years sober, I never abused anyone.....it's not in my nature. I came close once or twice. But even in the midst of drug-induced fog, I could stop myself.

Substance abuse (or other
abuse) often tracks with the
abusive patterns of a predator.

And while they often track
together, substance abuse
or other dysfunctions, are generally
not the cause of the interpersonal
abusive patterns. Most often, substance
abuse is a symptom of the interpersonal
dysfunctions.

It's seldom that a substance abuser
seeks treatment. On the rare occasion
that they do, and even when treatment
is effective, the interpersonal abusive
patterns usually continue.

The very last one was a "recovered" methamphetime user and maker. 10 or 15 years. I did not know this until well after our relationship had ended the first time, he decided to come clean about his past. Hence my warnings about people pretending to be someone they are not online. He was suppossedly anti alcohol, college bound, going to teach young minds...
He did drink, just did not want his SO to, not heavily but he also had a dwi/controlled substance on his record that did not come out till later, he smoked cigarettes which he quit the first time around, as I had migraines and his quote, not mine " You make me want to be a better man. " (Taken from the movie As Good as It Gets)
He smokes pot recreationally and had stopped for me the first time around, takes all kinds of script meds for other issues and I should of let him be. :(
I bought into his I am sorry speech, his I have changed and we can make this work, it will not be like last time B.S. and he was on pot full time, throughout the day, switched up his meds as he sees fit, and who knows about the prior meth. He never did it in front of me, but he never said anything about rehab or detox, so? When I asked him about it once, his comment was, Oh with my ADD, I have a tolerance to meth and cocaine both, I could do either tommorrow and just let it go, never touch it again. Take it or leave it.
Take what you want from that, I have no idea..just that I had too much working against me with ADD, OCD, prescriptions, and recreational drugs and someone who did not think they needed to change, but everyone else around them had the issues.
He would admit that it was hard being an addict, but it was only to smoking and he used to gamble. I guess none of the other stuff came into play.
I just know HE would tell you HE was not the problem, I was the Drama, the negativity, and that I made issues out of things that I should not. He needed to keep it simple. Guess, he has his simplicity now, huh?
Sorry, just a bit angry this night. I am a non smoker, social drinker, 40 hr a week working, compassionate, kind, independant woman and I WAS made to feel like I was the issue...

Only one of my exes was a substance abuser - he was an alcoholic. He only ever got violent when he was drunk, although I don't think that would have lasted if he'd quit. He did quit drinking for about 3 months or so, and towards the end he was starting to lose the ability to hang on to his temper even while sober. And he was ALWAYS mean.

I'm with Ilene - everything I've read suggests that substance abuse is often (though not by any means always) just another symptom of the issues that also cause abusive behaviour.