Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I know I haven't posted my full story but this is what happened to me yesterday....
I got a text message from his sister last night. She had gone over to drop off snacks for him and his 3 kids. His oldest son (13) was in his room and was in trouble. Apparently he took a package of oreos out of the cupboard the night before and ate what was left in the package. The N found out about it last night and when his sister came over he told her about what happened and how much trouble he was in. Also went on about how he is thief and how he's going to end up like his biological mother who's been in tons of trouble with the law between driving drunk, drugs, etc. He was telling her this stuff loud enough that the otther kids could hear him saying it. I can understand if he's upset, there's been a lot of thievery with his kids but there's a clear line to cross when you are setting an example to everyone how to discuss things and show you can call someone such dark things. His sister made the comment that she wishes she could adopt them. She also commented that she wishes I lived there still to help out because she knows I was a better influence then him. Not meaning to guilt me about it but it does bother me. I had a discussion with his oldest son last night and again today about things. I found out that he stole a package of candy out of his dad's closet in October right after his birthday, ate it all in one night and then stuck the wrappers under his sisters bed trying to blame them. He got into just as much trouble then for it.
While talking to the son about the problems I found out that a friend had left a bb type of gun at the house this past summer. The boy had shot the N at some time so the N took it and shot him with it. Since then the N has shot the boy multiple times with it for no reason which doesn't matter. It's not a gun that punctures the skin but still. I haven't brought up that conversation with the N because I am not sure how to even ask without sounding interrogating to him.
Mine and his son's conversation went over how his choices are going to affect his path in life. The consequences of his actions are only going to get more severe as he gets older. That the path in his life is going to be made up by the choices he continues to make so if he wants to end up on the same path as his mom (he's aware of her problems and talks to me about them) then to keep it up. But if he knows he can be better and be somebody then he needs to think about his right now actions and what will come of them. Either good or bad. He can't expect good things to come from bad actions and visa versa.
Ugh....she also made the comment she's worried about the kids getting taken away. I know it shouldn't be my problem but I was there for 7 years. I've know his kids since they were in diapers and stresses me out that I can't do anything for them....
I got a text message from his sister last night. She had gone over to drop off snacks for him and his 3 kids. His oldest son (13) was in his room and was in trouble. Apparently he took a package of oreos out of the cupboard the night before and ate what was left in the package. The N found out about it last night and when his sister came over he told her about what happened and how much trouble he was in. Also went on about how he is thief and how he's going to end up like his biological mother who's been in tons of trouble with the law between driving drunk, drugs, etc. He was telling her this stuff loud enough that the otther kids could hear him saying it. I can understand if he's upset, there's been a lot of thievery with his kids but there's a clear line to cross when you are setting an example to everyone how to discuss things and show you can call someone such dark things. His sister made the comment that she wishes she could adopt them. She also commented that she wishes I lived there still to help out because she knows I was a better influence then him. Not meaning to guilt me about it but it does bother me. I had a discussion with his oldest son last night and again today about things. I found out that he stole a package of candy out of his dad's closet in October right after his birthday, ate it all in one night and then stuck the wrappers under his sisters bed trying to blame them. He got into just as much trouble then for it.
While talking to the son about the problems I found out that a friend had left a bb type of gun at the house this past summer. The boy had shot the N at some time so the N took it and shot him with it. Since then the N has shot the boy multiple times with it for no reason which doesn't matter. It's not a gun that punctures the skin but still. I haven't brought up that conversation with the N because I am not sure how to even ask without sounding interrogating to him.
Mine and his son's conversation went over how his choices are going to affect his path in life. The consequences of his actions are only going to get more severe as he gets older. That the path in his life is going to be made up by the choices he continues to make so if he wants to end up on the same path as his mom (he's aware of her problems and talks to me about them) then to keep it up. But if he knows he can be better and be somebody then he needs to think about his right now actions and what will come of them. Either good or bad. He can't expect good things to come from bad actions and visa versa.
Ugh....she also made the comment she's worried about the kids getting taken away. I know it shouldn't be my problem but I was there for 7 years. I've know his kids since they were in diapers and stresses me out that I can't do anything for them....
I use to hear people tell me that I could change someones life for the better. I do not believe this anymore. Change happens within oneself period. If someone is open to your wisdom and instruction they will seek you out. Not the other way around.
I know how hard it is to have to "look the other way". But sometimes its essential to your well being.
As I said, they will seek you out if they are willing to seek wisdom.
Don't let the sister convince you that you have to save them.
My second thought was about my own son, whose father, my ex, used to berate and belittle him in the same way. And my heart aches for him.
I know too, that my ex father-in-law did the same to my ex....and he more and more succumbed to the darkness. For a parent to do that to a child is just so cruel.
I know this is not your son, but I hope you will remain available to him to talk to, if it doesn't cost you too much in the way of your own health. This boy desperately needs a voice of reason, and kindness, and love. It might make a difference to him, just to know he could talk to you. But so do you, so only do what you can without hurting yourself.
Big hugs to you for your big heart.
hokeymom----I think the N is more upset about it since the boy has repeatedly stole stuff (money, candy and now the cookies) as far as we know. The N has already tried to have the responsibilities talk with him before and now this so he's really upset. No I don't agree with the bb gun but that's not his form of punishment for this, I don't really know how or why he thinks he can even tho it's not one to puncture the skin. That's just plain ridiculous.
azkevin---yes it's difficult to leave the relationship when there are kids involved. I know I was and still am a positive influence but I don't know how else to help. Not that maybe I will be able to.