before i got into my abusive relationship i was in a friendship that turned abusive. i was best friends with this girl for 8 years. she was a man-hater and had a few diagnosed mental illnesses.

in the beginning of our friendship she was fun. without a man around she started expecting things from me that you would expect from a SO. she put a lot of weight on me and i always felt bad for her.

long story short, the relationship became toxic. i was never as good of a friend as she was. everything she did was a setup to make herself look good and me like i was neglectful. there was no way to keep up wtih it all.

my advice to you is to head for the hills. no one should be stressing you out like that. friendships are supposed to add to our lives....not make it more difficult.

i think i realized i had one by being here and reading.
she was ok you know. we had some fun times and some good chats and stuff, but then i found that i (and it could just be me) would feel pressure sometimes. for example
we made plans for a saturday to go and pick up something that she wanted to buy & it was big and i have a van. it was snowing so hard, big fluffy snow, which means slippery. i was feeling nervous about driving so far, in the snow, in my shitty van with shitty tires & hinted at it via text. i finally just said, i dont want to go b/c of the weather. she texted me back, well...you could have just told me earlier so i could ahve arranged something else! i could hear the snotty tone. i let it go.
a few wks later, my bank card wouldnt' work so i borrowed ten bucks & said i'd come by the next day after work to pay her back and have some coffee before her baby came. i was sooooooooo sick that sunday, gallstone attack, hospital, sick sick sick..was still sick and tired on monday & changed my bbm status to say so..
all she did was text me that she's assuming by my status i'm not coming & i could just go put it in her bank & proceeded to give me her acct info to make the deposit. when i read it, i thought..wthell? i said..wow..thanks for asking how i am..she wrote back..
as if you'd pull an attitude for me not asking you right away if you're ok. i was just trying to save you a trip! i told her she can be so difficult. she gets so snotty.
is snotty abusive? i dont know. she was ready to have a baby any day & this was a few wks ago & she had the baby & I fb'd her & said congrats, that's it. i haven't talked to her since. i can see in her status updates that she's referring to me that there's better things to stress over and stuff like that.
i just cut her out.
i dont need this shit in my lfie! assholes. bitchy people. accusers.
i need loving, kind accepting people who will give & take in a friendship.
i hope i didn't take over your thread! i thought i was asnwering?
big hugs!! you dont need shit in your life either. just walk away. it doesn't matter b/c we dont matter to them. bottom line. ;)
xoxo
gogo

It has been hard but I had to cut a few friends out of my life... I still think about them from time to time but ultimately it wasn't worth it. They were either very competitive. Or very self centered or constantly flaked on plans.

I know I did the right thing but it still didn't make it easy. I have found it harder to make friends as I have have kids now and getting together is more complicated...

I'm sure this will change in a few years before I know it but right now it sometimes makes me feel socially isolated. But this all being said it's not worth putting up with mean or inconsiderate "friends"

I've had some friends (both male and female) I have had to cut out of my life, but that was because of either substance abuse or because I felt I was putting way more effort into the friendship than the other person was giving back. I didn't consider it abusive then, nor do I now. I don't see any reason I would tolerate abuse from a friendship, I would simply just go the other way. I may feel sad about it, but not hurt.

But, I have thought about the friendships my narcissist ex had, and wonder if those were healthy friendships. She seems to have many long-term friends, but thinking back I don't think those friendships were healthy in the same way I would consider healthy. I did hear her talk bad about her friends behind their backs. I also noticed nearly every one of her friends was going through a crisis - many divorces and unhappy marriages. It seemed like nobody she knew was happy. I wonder my ex exhibited the same narcissist traits around her friends, and they put up with her or failed to recognize those traits because they were in a weak emotional state and needed a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps my ex liked to be around people like that because it made her feel better about herself.

Actually I had a few toxic friendships that I chose to end after learning about abuse and that was while I was still with my ex and he never understood and just assumed somehow I was at fault, wasn't liked, etc. One "friend" I had known for several years but she seldom reciprocated and I found I was the only one making all of the effort to maintain some semblance of a friendship. She was ill and developed debilitating mental illness and refused to get help and every time I would go to see her she was extremely negative and never ever happy and resented me whenever i would gently suggest that talking to someone, a counselor, would help. We had always had intimate conversations but she never wanted to go do anything, not even get a cup of coffee. She isolated herself in her home, became suicidal and eventually her family had her hospitalized. But before that happened, I had stopped making any effort because I would leave, after visiting her, feeling very depressed myself and helpless, knowing that there was nothing I could do to help her. I spent years sympahizing with her but had to distance myself from her to save my own sanity. I wasn't that she was abusive as much as she just wanted a sounding board and would not do anything to help herself and resented anyone who tried to suggest she get help.
Then there was another "friend" that was a master manipulator, as well as abusive and hurtful. I had tried repeatedly through the years to be friends with her and every time i would she would take advantage fo my desire to be her friend and set me up in situations where I would do something and get hurt. I would then run into her and she would apologize and i would think ok she means it this time but of course like all abuser it was just a way to get me to believe I could trust her again. Her set ups as I call them, were intentional and very planned out. I now believe she is a narcissist and an abuser.
I don't regret ending those relationships. I wish that i would have done it much sooner and not allowed myself to get lured back into them repeatedly.

"But before that happened, I had stopped making any effort because I would leave, after visiting her, feeling very depressed myself and helpless, knowing that there was nothing I could do to help her."

Ahhh yes, the black hole soul suckers. Because that's exactly what it feels like after awhile...

Emotional vampires. They suck the life right out of you!

Yes, I've been in abusive friendships. As soon as I've tumbled to the manipulative / toxic behaviour I've distanced myself, sometimes cutting them completely out of my life if necessary. As Laststraw said, they're emotional vampires and can suck the life out of you, if you let them.

From reading Who's Pulling Your Strings about manipulation, I learned that my need for friendship and approval is what has made me a target for manipulation and I also know that i am damn good at denial, and not seeing abusers for what they are, or as emotional vampires.

The only way to handle abuse is to walk away from it. That goes for friendships as well as intimate relationships and sometimes, even family members.

I had a "friend" many years ago. She betrayed my confidence three times, two of which could have had serious consequences (she told my on-line stalker that I was moving to a town near him, and told him where; and she told a hacker that another friend of mine was on to him). The first, I forgave because I thought that maybe she just didn't understand how afraid of this guy I was and blah blah blah. But by the third time, I could no longer pretend it wasn't deliberate and so I cut her out of my life entirely. She contacted me again some time later, and I just wrote back that she had betrayed me three times, I no longer trusted her and that was not going to change. I wished her well and have never spoken to her since, never will. She'd had her second - and third - chance.

Everything you have been through I have too. Friends betraying confidences and demanding things out of me. But when it came to them, I had to drop everything and meet THEIR demands.

One man actually said I deserved to be abused and if it were left up to him he would be the one to do just that. I never spoke to him since 2001 and never will after that. Saw him at the grocery store one day and he asked me "why won't you talk to me anymore" well DUH! Not gonna happen.

Yeppers emotional vampires for sure. I walked away and never looked back.

I don't know if I would consider my situation emotional abuse, but just last night I had a "friend" verbally crap on me! I have always been there for her, and it feels as though she is turning her back on me. It really hurts!

jeffyann1, I know exactly how that feels.. If your friend has done this in the past without ever apologizing for it, It may indicate she is abusing or bullying you. Think back to other times with this friend and how she acted to you, in certain situations... Was she ever judgmental about things you do or say?


Karasal, It's disgusting that people feel that they have to do this only because they want attention, Friends are supposed to be there for us.. Not betray us when we need them the most.

I seem to have a knack at getting myself into emotionally abusive or semi-abusive friendships, ever since I was young. I have a history of emotionally abusive friendships. I really don't know why this is, but it's probably because I have always been a people pleaser.

Gogo!!! I have the EXACT same kind of situations with friends, anytime I turn someone down, (because I am not feeling well, am exhausted, etc..) they tend to punish me (because usually I don't turn people down, so there is this history of pleasing, pleasing, and the moment I say no, I get punished for it...)