Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My abusive ex, with whom I haven't spoken in several months, has just emailed me out of the blue asking to get back together. Is he crazy?
I told him no, and when he asked why, I said that he and I don't match, that we have awful fights (I didn't want to say anything to make him angry, so I just chalked it up to us being incompatible).
He seemed to understand, but blamed women in general. He said that women make fighting a big deal, and he would prefer to look at the positive things than the negative.
Is he out of his mind? For a year and a half, he would yell at me, call me stupid on a regular basis (for example, if I liked a movie he thought was stupid, then he would get mad at me and call me stupid), insulted my family (including my mother). He's insulted the way I look, grabbed my stomach to show me the fat. And he has threatened on more than one occasion to actually hurt me ("if you don't shut up, I will destroy your face").
So on what planet does he think that these fights were normal, and we should be mature and happy, and realize that relationships can't be perfect 100% of the time (his words)?
Is he just absolutely crazy?
I told him no, and when he asked why, I said that he and I don't match, that we have awful fights (I didn't want to say anything to make him angry, so I just chalked it up to us being incompatible).
He seemed to understand, but blamed women in general. He said that women make fighting a big deal, and he would prefer to look at the positive things than the negative.
Is he out of his mind? For a year and a half, he would yell at me, call me stupid on a regular basis (for example, if I liked a movie he thought was stupid, then he would get mad at me and call me stupid), insulted my family (including my mother). He's insulted the way I look, grabbed my stomach to show me the fat. And he has threatened on more than one occasion to actually hurt me ("if you don't shut up, I will destroy your face").
So on what planet does he think that these fights were normal, and we should be mature and happy, and realize that relationships can't be perfect 100% of the time (his words)?
Is he just absolutely crazy?
Right off the bat, you said he asked why when you said no. That's an abuser's way of engaging you by getting you to justify yourself so he can put you down, argue and prove you're wrong.
Next he started blaming women which proves he doesn't understand. He chooses not to see that he is, in fact, not looking at the positive side of things when he puts down women in general and does all the other things you mentioned here.
Good for you for saying no loud and clear! I hope you block him from any further contact.
~healing hugs~
out and went no contact.
It's great that you
turned down his
request for
reconciliation.
You've been a member
of D.S. since March, so
I suspect you're clear
that this guy is abusive.
In your time together
he not only threatened
to seriously injure you,
he physically assaulted
you when he grabbed
your stomach. This guy
is bad news in a MAJOR
way. That doesn't mean
that he's "crazy." What
it means is that life with
him would make YOU
crazy, if he didn't actually
kill you.
But you know all that already.
Also, there's a difference
between relationships
not being perfect
and relationships
that are abusive.
But you know that
already.
You knew enough to
try to not "say anything
to make him angry."
I have a suggestion.
Wherever you are,
find your nearest
women's center.
There are services
there that are still
appropriate for you.
This "bad penny"
has already come
back once. He may
well contact you again.
You need to be ready
for when he comes
back again. Why?
Because he's
potentially DANGEROUS.
The people at the
women's center
will help you create
a SAFETY PLAN.
Please take this
suggestion seriously.
You've done all the
right things, to this
point. Please take
very good care, now.
That's on HIS planet, in his own warped and twisted world where his definitions of right and wrong are the only ones that matter. He was trying to redefine your reality once again to fit with him being in control and having power over you.
As for the blaming of all women...that's soooo typical of abusive men I've known. Before seeing through this, the mistake I've made when I was younger is I've fallen into the trap of trying to defend all women by showing him how great women can be through my behavior being very conciliatory no matter what the guy did. I know you're not going to do this, but maybe he's had results like that from other women he used that approach with.
I am so glad to hear that you see through this and are strong in seeing clearly how abusive he was. I agree that if you can block his communications that would be a way to protect yourself from suffering further abuse by him.
So proud of you to keep him out of your life!
Doing cartwheels for you!
However, a part of me kind of feels sorry for him. I don't know if he truly doesn't understand the gravity of what he has done. Does he really think that our relationship was ok, and the "bad" was normal? He said that he chooses to be happy and focus on the "95% good" of our relationship (does he really not realize that the relationship was MOSTLY bad?).
A part of me actually hopes that something will give him a kick in the butt, and he decides to get some help. I don't think he understands why people (friends, girlfriends) eventually kick him out of their lives. He never blames himself, of course, but I know it bothers him that no one ever sticks around.
In your reply #6, you said,
"However, a part of me kind of feels sorry for him. I don't know if he truly doesn't understand the gravity of what he has done."
I know the feeling.
That's what the abuser wants - for us to feel sorry for them. I don't know if abusers understand the gravity of what they do, but I do know that it really doesn't matter because its wrong. Wrong. Period.
Less than 2% of abusers ever change permanently for the better.
You also said,
"He said that he chooses to be happy and focus on the "95% good" of our relationship (does he really not realize that the relationship was MOSTLY bad?)."
Yep, that's classic abuser thought/rationalization pattern. (If I had a dollar for every time the ex said that, I'd be a rich woman.) Of course they don't want to focus on the bad because then they will have to be accountable and responsible for their actions and that ain't gonna happen.
Please don't hold out hope that he will finally get it. That rarely happens. They may say they get it and they may even act like they get it, but it rarely lasts.
If you haven't already, please go complete No Contact. Block him from your phone, email and all social media.
~healing hugs~
People who want to grow usually begin by asking "why." Has he ever even asked and then waited for an answer?
Bet not. All blame shifting, right?
Aren't you glad you got off that ride?