Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I also posted this in the divorce forum because there are a lot of factors involved and would appreciate help from those that get the abusive aspect....
Hi guys... It's been a while since I'm here. I'm struggling and not sure where to turn.
A little background...
I just divorced my ex in February. We were together 24 years (married 19). We have 2 beautiful girls we adopted at birth. They are now 10 and 4.
Over the years my ex became increasing more abusive. Verbally and very passive aggressive. Made me feel like I was always wrong and crazy if I tried to stand up for myself. I tried talking to him about it. I pushed for marriage counseling. I asked for separations twice. He finally agreed to marriage counseling and I gave it my all. But I had lost so much respect for him and no longer was in love with him. We ended up suffering through a 1.5 year in-house separation until the divorce was final and even then he remained in the home for another month. It was brutal to say the least. I'm still in therapy twice a month for almost 2 years now. Sadly, The girls saw and heard way too much.
Here is my problem. I am very saddened and concerned for my girls mental well being. The older knows she's adopted but I'm not sure my younger understands she is. I was always very open about it. But since the marital problems we never spoke about it in over 2 years. She is having temper tantrums and acting out. And cries hysterically whenever having to go with her dad.
Any advice on finding out:
1. What's typical 4 yr old behavior?
2. How to help the girls cope with the divorce?
3. How to tie in the adoption talk so it doesn't come as a shock to my little one when she starts to realize and understand it?
Any help or advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I try to keep it together but I've lost it and broken down and cried the 2 times my little girl upset with me because I wouldn't let her watch 3 videos before bed and I make her brush her teeth and she told me...
I don't want to stay in this house.. I want to stay with daddy!
I would rather have taken a bullet to my heart than hear those words. And I know she's only 4 and within an hour she was hugging me telling me how much she loves me.
But i need help handling things better. I think my little one may benefit from therapy??? I tried for my older one but she would clam up and not talk during the sessions. She'll experience anxiety and its excessive and irrational at times.
Sorry this is long... My thoughts are a bit scattered.
Any help or advice is welcom
Hi guys... It's been a while since I'm here. I'm struggling and not sure where to turn.
A little background...
I just divorced my ex in February. We were together 24 years (married 19). We have 2 beautiful girls we adopted at birth. They are now 10 and 4.
Over the years my ex became increasing more abusive. Verbally and very passive aggressive. Made me feel like I was always wrong and crazy if I tried to stand up for myself. I tried talking to him about it. I pushed for marriage counseling. I asked for separations twice. He finally agreed to marriage counseling and I gave it my all. But I had lost so much respect for him and no longer was in love with him. We ended up suffering through a 1.5 year in-house separation until the divorce was final and even then he remained in the home for another month. It was brutal to say the least. I'm still in therapy twice a month for almost 2 years now. Sadly, The girls saw and heard way too much.
Here is my problem. I am very saddened and concerned for my girls mental well being. The older knows she's adopted but I'm not sure my younger understands she is. I was always very open about it. But since the marital problems we never spoke about it in over 2 years. She is having temper tantrums and acting out. And cries hysterically whenever having to go with her dad.
Any advice on finding out:
1. What's typical 4 yr old behavior?
2. How to help the girls cope with the divorce?
3. How to tie in the adoption talk so it doesn't come as a shock to my little one when she starts to realize and understand it?
Any help or advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I try to keep it together but I've lost it and broken down and cried the 2 times my little girl upset with me because I wouldn't let her watch 3 videos before bed and I make her brush her teeth and she told me...
I don't want to stay in this house.. I want to stay with daddy!
I would rather have taken a bullet to my heart than hear those words. And I know she's only 4 and within an hour she was hugging me telling me how much she loves me.
But i need help handling things better. I think my little one may benefit from therapy??? I tried for my older one but she would clam up and not talk during the sessions. She'll experience anxiety and its excessive and irrational at times.
Sorry this is long... My thoughts are a bit scattered.
Any help or advice is welcom
Is it possible that daddy is bad-mouthing mommy? Is it possible that he is playing the y disneyland daddy and letting the girls do anything they want and not providing structure or discipline while they are with him?
I am sorry that I don't have answers to your specific questions, other than to take your time. It seems like the critical thing right is dealing w/the divorce and the harm the abuse has done and continues to do, especially since they have to spend time with him w/o you there.
At four, it's not unusual for kids to have temper tantrums. She 'learned' a lot from her abuser and is probably acting out right now.
If both girls aren't already in therapy, IMHO, it's imperative that they see a qualified therapist who understands the dynamics and affects of abuse. Many therapists don't, so it would be a good idea to ask what additional training they have had over and above what they got in school & their pre-licensing practice. Also ask what modalities they use w/kids. There are therapists who specialize in children dealing with trauma.
~healing hugs~
of expertise, so I'll
leave that to others.
Just wanted to say
'hi' and send you
and your girls,
best thoughts
going forward.
it's so nice to hear from you... You've always been there and offered up support and encouragement :))
I will look into starting therapy for my little one and a different therapist for my older one. She was in therapy but wouldn't open up. Maybe it just wasn't a good fit.
I will say he is definitely being Disneydad. I never ask or pry info from my girls. They just offer up info. I'll simply ask how their visit was .. And they tell me. He always gets them something. Every time. I simply can't buy them a toy every time we go out. And even if I could afford it, I wouldn't because that's not teaching them anything. It's not a competition.
Some days are just so hard. I feel so alone. I've started meditating and trying to exercise and eat healthy so I'll feel better. But I often fall off the wagon and grab some chocolate... My comfort food.. :)))
Hope you are well... Thanks for being here
-----
Hi Ilene...
It's great hearing from you too.. Thank you for your support :))
Hope all is well with you ..!
Secondly, you are also going to need to make a promise to yourself to not break down in front of your daughters when they pull the "I hate you" and "daddy lets me do this" comments. Your brain is telling you everything you need to know about the situation already. This is manipulation, something they learned from daddy. It's not fair, and not right, but they are kids and they are going to come out swinging with their best verbal weapon to hurt you like they are hurting.
Should you not feel crushed? No, not at all. But do whatever it takes to hold it together until you are done and then lock yourself in the bathroom, bedroom, etc and have a good cry that THEY CAN'T SEE OR HEAR. Don't break down in front of them. This is a battle, and as a parent and a mom you have to be strong because this is a war and you are their protector. You are a warrior, and you are fighting for yourself and your kids!
If you don't get a handle on this now, you are going to have teenagers that push your buttons even harder in the future, and trust me, you do not want to deal with that! This is a moment, where, unfortunately, you have to pull yourself up by the seat of your pants and do what you need to do.
All my love to you and your girls.
In my opinion being adopted is a traumatic situation as you lose your heritage and background. Perhaps a divorce feels like another loss of stability as well. But i am sure this is temporary and with such a caring and concerned mother, she will be bound to improve! Ask her how she feels, give her her voice, help her to become the true person that she wants to be It sounds like you are an excellent Mommy!
I think most kids, whether they are adopted or not, use divorces to emotionally manipulate their parents a little bit so they can get more of what they want. I.e. she didn't want to brush her teeth, so she was threatening to leave and go stay with Daddy. I think this is just a very basic human survival instinct that we understand innately to use circumstances to our best advantage! :)
blessings!
Thank you ..! I needed the tough love... I have pulled myself together and everytime my little one got upset I calmly talked to her and validated her feelings. Her episodes didn't last as long and she calmed down. :))
I know where her anger and outbursts are coming from and I need to put it in perspective.
I'm looking for therapists as well.
I've been talking to my older girl too and encouraging her to open up and let her feelings out.
Overall ... It's been a pretty good week with a few bumps here and there... I'm just taking one day at a time.
Maryjan
Thank you for your kind and supportive words... Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing anything so special. I love my girls with all my heart. They couldn't be more mine if they came from me. They are both so special and loving and amazing girls and I'm so proud of them..! They were meant to be with me and I was made to be their mom.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. My ex didn't want the divorce however he did nothing to work on our problems either. He felt he was not in the wrong and didn't need to make any changes on his part. The worst part was that he used my girls adoption as an argument. Saying things like ... "Do you know how hard this will be for them to lose parents again..?"
That always killed me. Of course I knew!! I hated to have to shatter their already delicate little world...! But he left me no choice because I didn't want them to think it was ok to be treated like this.
Divorcing him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I dealt with the pain and devastation of a 24 year relationship ending.. But going through the process was horrible. And I've been doing a lot of research on how a divorce - and specifically for adopted children - affects them and how to help them deal with it and work through it.
Hugs to you... :))