Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
hey everyone! i was wondering if i could get some feedback on something that happened this weekend. i posted this in the child support forum, also, but i'd like to hear the people in this forum's opinions, too.
my situation is that my ex is verbally/emotionally abusive toward me and has started turning it toward his son. about a month ago he became physical, grabbing our son by the neck in anger. i was scared by this behaviour, and decided that i was going to put the kid in playschool full time. prior to that he had been spending 3 full days per week with his father. i wrote up a parenting agreement in which fin would be in school full time and he'd visit his father for three hours a night on monday, tuesday, and wednesday. so far the dad hasn't signed. i have full custody of our son because we were never married. if we go to court, we'll almost certainly get shared custody (this state is like that) despite the dv charges and other stuff...his father does nothing all day with the kid except watch tv. it's disgusting.
okay, so this will be fin's third full week in playschool. they're moving him up to the 4-year old group even though he just turned 3 in august, because he's very smart and benefits from the extra stimulation. i'm THRILLED about this! i told his father last week that this was happening.
okay, so here's the problem. the dad called me up on saturday to ask if he could take finny to the zoo on tuesday. (note: he's NEVER taken finny ANYWHERE in the past 3 years. no lie.) so i said, "he's got school that day." and the dad says, "it's JUST daycare. it's not school." i said,"he's doing really well there and he's not going to take a day off right now. so no." he started to argue with me again and i said, "i have to go." and hung up. my tone was cordial even though i felt that he was wrong to ask me that.
i feel that fin NEEDS consistency right now. everything is so topsy turvy with the new arrangement and new playschool and all that. i really feel that the dad should just sign the agreement and stick to it. to call me up and ask to have extra time, make changes, etc. is not acceptable to me and i feel that it's not good for fin.
i'd love to hear any thoughts you all may have about this. i would like to add that despite the dad's flaws, he and fin have a love for each other and i don't want to break them up. but the dad has some serious anger issues and i don't think he should be spending a WHOLE lot of time with the kid.
thanks, everyone!
my situation is that my ex is verbally/emotionally abusive toward me and has started turning it toward his son. about a month ago he became physical, grabbing our son by the neck in anger. i was scared by this behaviour, and decided that i was going to put the kid in playschool full time. prior to that he had been spending 3 full days per week with his father. i wrote up a parenting agreement in which fin would be in school full time and he'd visit his father for three hours a night on monday, tuesday, and wednesday. so far the dad hasn't signed. i have full custody of our son because we were never married. if we go to court, we'll almost certainly get shared custody (this state is like that) despite the dv charges and other stuff...his father does nothing all day with the kid except watch tv. it's disgusting.
okay, so this will be fin's third full week in playschool. they're moving him up to the 4-year old group even though he just turned 3 in august, because he's very smart and benefits from the extra stimulation. i'm THRILLED about this! i told his father last week that this was happening.
okay, so here's the problem. the dad called me up on saturday to ask if he could take finny to the zoo on tuesday. (note: he's NEVER taken finny ANYWHERE in the past 3 years. no lie.) so i said, "he's got school that day." and the dad says, "it's JUST daycare. it's not school." i said,"he's doing really well there and he's not going to take a day off right now. so no." he started to argue with me again and i said, "i have to go." and hung up. my tone was cordial even though i felt that he was wrong to ask me that.
i feel that fin NEEDS consistency right now. everything is so topsy turvy with the new arrangement and new playschool and all that. i really feel that the dad should just sign the agreement and stick to it. to call me up and ask to have extra time, make changes, etc. is not acceptable to me and i feel that it's not good for fin.
i'd love to hear any thoughts you all may have about this. i would like to add that despite the dad's flaws, he and fin have a love for each other and i don't want to break them up. but the dad has some serious anger issues and i don't think he should be spending a WHOLE lot of time with the kid.
thanks, everyone!
If he wants to see the child, I'd make him go to court for it. The state won't automatically divide custody if there is DV involved. If it goes to court, then you can start building your case as to why your son should not be around this person alone, if at all.
As for the specifics, don't let him get away with changing schedules. It's ALL about control and if you give an inch they take a mile. If you let him have this one Tuesday because he wants to go to the zoo (zoos not being open on weekends ... *rolls eyes*), that means any day and any time are fair game and you no longer have any right to say no. My ex used to do this same stuff - want to change plans by making out he had this fabulous idea that the kid would really love. It's designed to make you look/feel bad for not letting your son go to the zoo.
Stand your ground or you'll find you don't have any.
What a coward to hurt a really small young boy to make him feel like he has control. Sick bastard. Take him to court!
I just wanted to add that one of the things that motivated me was thinking about how my ex would react once my boy got mouthy, and let's face it, they all get a bit mouthy when they are learning boundaries. I knew that my ex was going to be one of those "Disneyland dads" - no proper discipline or routines so that he can be the "fun" one. But that would lead to greater boundary pushing by around now (my boy is nearly 4). And if he pushed the wrong boundary ... the thought terrified me, since it would happen without me around to protect my boy from his father's anger.
Fight for your son. And trust your own gut about what's best for him.