Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I got out of my own abusive relationship 5 years ago. My sister is still in hers, which is much worse than mine ever was. He screams and controls and she is really, really beat down. I'm very afraid for her, feel like I'm losing her.
Last November, he finally assaulted her physically. Locked her out of the house and when she tried to climb in through a window, he pushed her out. She had bruises and was sore for days. She called me just after it happened and I tried to get her to call the cops, but she didn't--she was afraid of the repercussions from him. She did, at least, take pictures.
I live 2 days drive from her and am considering moving to her area. I want to move there for many reasons, only one of which is to support her. But I'm very concerned about my brother in law's attempts to drag me into the middle of their abusive situation.
He claims she is an alcoholic. I've never once seen her drunk. But to me, drinking isn't the issue. If she is drinking, it is an attempt to cope with his abuse. So I try to support her, to help her think more clearly about her situation, to get her to address her health problems (she's so beaten down from the stress of this situation), to get her to go to a counselor. But he keeps sending me email after email about how she's a drunk. I've asked him to stop, I've ignored his email, but he keeps sending.
I just spent some time in her area, trying to decide whether I wanted to move there and while I was there, he called several times, each time saying just a few sentences to me about how she was drinking and that I should come and intervene. Then he hung up.
If his communications about "alcoholism" weren't a part of a larger pattern of abuse, I'd respond immediately. But it all just feels abusive to me. They've got a son and for years the husband has been saying that because of her "drinking problem," he would gain custody of the son if they divorced. And he's completely controlling about money and she's so beat down that she's afraid to leave because she couldn't make a living. And her health is so bad that she's afraid she'll lose her health insurance if she even goes to the doctor (which I've told her is not how it works but she isn't thinking clearly--when it comes to paths out of her situation, all of her thinking is based in fear).
Anyway, I want to move there, I want to support her, but I need ideas on how to set boundaries with this guy. I stopped answering my phone when I was down there if the call was from him, so he used my sister's phone. I can't stop answering calls from her.
Any ideas? Does anyone have experience with abusers trying to drag them into things?
Last November, he finally assaulted her physically. Locked her out of the house and when she tried to climb in through a window, he pushed her out. She had bruises and was sore for days. She called me just after it happened and I tried to get her to call the cops, but she didn't--she was afraid of the repercussions from him. She did, at least, take pictures.
I live 2 days drive from her and am considering moving to her area. I want to move there for many reasons, only one of which is to support her. But I'm very concerned about my brother in law's attempts to drag me into the middle of their abusive situation.
He claims she is an alcoholic. I've never once seen her drunk. But to me, drinking isn't the issue. If she is drinking, it is an attempt to cope with his abuse. So I try to support her, to help her think more clearly about her situation, to get her to address her health problems (she's so beaten down from the stress of this situation), to get her to go to a counselor. But he keeps sending me email after email about how she's a drunk. I've asked him to stop, I've ignored his email, but he keeps sending.
I just spent some time in her area, trying to decide whether I wanted to move there and while I was there, he called several times, each time saying just a few sentences to me about how she was drinking and that I should come and intervene. Then he hung up.
If his communications about "alcoholism" weren't a part of a larger pattern of abuse, I'd respond immediately. But it all just feels abusive to me. They've got a son and for years the husband has been saying that because of her "drinking problem," he would gain custody of the son if they divorced. And he's completely controlling about money and she's so beat down that she's afraid to leave because she couldn't make a living. And her health is so bad that she's afraid she'll lose her health insurance if she even goes to the doctor (which I've told her is not how it works but she isn't thinking clearly--when it comes to paths out of her situation, all of her thinking is based in fear).
Anyway, I want to move there, I want to support her, but I need ideas on how to set boundaries with this guy. I stopped answering my phone when I was down there if the call was from him, so he used my sister's phone. I can't stop answering calls from her.
Any ideas? Does anyone have experience with abusers trying to drag them into things?
catydid
One more key bit of info. Her husband's mother died of an allergic reaction to wine when he was pretty young, say 8-11. I imagine he felt pretty damned out of control and has been trying to control ever since. My sister is 8 years older than her husband. Before they married, she also was in the same line of business that his mother was. Its pretty obvious that all of this is a belated attempt to keep his mother from dying. And, emotionally, he seems pretty stuck at that age.
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