I guess denial is a part of his abuse. I guess it is not helpful for me to remind him of his verbal and emotional abuse. Hhe doesn't agree, and has been using the word abuse to hurt me. I just know I don't deserve to be treated the way I let him treat me. I guess when I have compassion for him I overlook that some basic violations of myself as a person with dignity, rights, and respect are being ignored. I cope this way to try to keep the peace. He definitly uses anger abusively, to control my confronting him. It is so unhealthy. HE IS NOT SAFE FOR ME. I felt relief after the argument last night, like I needed a reason to have some space. I am tired of squelching my instinct to settle for someone who is only capable of loving me sometimes. I am tired of being mistreated. I am tired of letting him break up with me and taking him back. I turn my phone off to avoid any text messages (he probably won't sent them anywant to try to punish me). It was all over my desire to confront an issue he doesn't care to discuss. Like I said, he uses anger to control the conversation. It is not healthy for me to be intimate with someone who it is not safe for me to question. I wanted to hit him (old behavior not part of current relationship) but I kept my cool, I just persisted, instead of seeing he's angry and staying the BLEEP away. That is all I can do. It is not logical, his anger finds a way out. I want to be with someone I can trust who is nice to me. I don't want to take on the shame of how I've been mistreated by staying. I don't want to take the blame. I am not to blame for his anger and I'm not going to take it anymore. I can do it today. I can stay away. I can choose not to contact or engage him in anyway. He is a mess. He is not a good influence on me for the most part. I have a soft spot for him, I guess I have to turn that around and have it for myself. It's a BLEEPING gamble if he's going to be nice or mean. I need to stop blaming myself.
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