Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
How do you deal with an abuser playing the victim? My stbx calls me all the time and of course I don't answer, so he leaves these long messages going on about how he can't deal with all of this, how this situation has made him "ill" and how he has to see a psychologist, so on and so forth. Today he was going on about his "rights" about being a parent and that he has the right to see our daughter and how I am making his life a living hell by not telling him where we are and keeping our daughter from him and how miserable he is and even said that I must want him to commit suicide by what I'm doing to him and blah blah. Seriously every call/text is all "poor me!"
Now this evening I get a text from one of his friends who is well known in our community and seen as a religious leader saying that acts of violence are condemned but what's even worse is being unjust and yes what my husband did was bad but he doesn't deserve to have his child taken from him like that without seeing them, and then he added how he thinks about how sad my stbx husband is and how he isn't doing well and how his world has been pulled out from beneath him by not being able to see our child.
Seriously this is getting to be so hard! He makes it seem like IM the bad person and that I caused all of this to happen and then he drags others into it as well! Its like he completely forgot HE is the one who attacked ME and had he not done that (amongst other things) and had he treated me like a normal person then I would still be there!
How do I deal with this? It is SO mentally draining. It will be about 3-4 months before we are officially separated and the judge will determine custody, so in the mean time I am doing what I can to keep us safe, which in my opinion is not letting him see our baby since he is mentally unstable and I don't trust him one bit!
Now this evening I get a text from one of his friends who is well known in our community and seen as a religious leader saying that acts of violence are condemned but what's even worse is being unjust and yes what my husband did was bad but he doesn't deserve to have his child taken from him like that without seeing them, and then he added how he thinks about how sad my stbx husband is and how he isn't doing well and how his world has been pulled out from beneath him by not being able to see our child.
Seriously this is getting to be so hard! He makes it seem like IM the bad person and that I caused all of this to happen and then he drags others into it as well! Its like he completely forgot HE is the one who attacked ME and had he not done that (amongst other things) and had he treated me like a normal person then I would still be there!
How do I deal with this? It is SO mentally draining. It will be about 3-4 months before we are officially separated and the judge will determine custody, so in the mean time I am doing what I can to keep us safe, which in my opinion is not letting him see our baby since he is mentally unstable and I don't trust him one bit!
You are right not to trust him-it's not worth the risk. I would love to tell you this part gets easier but I want you to be prepared that he will continue to do this-it's is out of the abusers textbook-he will try to make you look crazy, like the abuser, like a bad mother, a bad wife, like he is the victim of your unreasonableness. He will make you think everyone is on his side and against you-even if it's not true. He will blatantly lie if he has to. He is opportunistic - he will use whatever psychological (and very possibly physical) weapon he can get his hands on to hurt you. I found this is one of the hardest parts of leaving an abuser-and from what I've seen many others find it exhausting and frustrating too. I know it hurts-it's maddening but YOU know the truth-YOU know what's right for you and that child. If other people can't see it that says way more about them than it does about you. Try to remember that, and why you need to be strong through this, why you are doing it. Hold that sweet little baby and remember. I am so sorry for what you're going through-all of it.
They do this because they need power over us, and i know it get's hard, but you have to keep on keepin on. You got to stand firm, that's what has gotten you this far. I'm glad to hear that you sound very firm about your decision of keeping him away and your daugther with you. Your being smart, you don't know what he is capable of and if something happens to her, as any good mother
would feel bad and very responsible. Your daughter can't protect herself, you have to do it. I know it's very hard, but when you look at her and think of never seeing her again, i'm sorry I know that sounds so bad, but that's what I do.
I have an 11 year old daughter, and I think if he was around and God forbid something happened, and she was in the middle and got hurt or possibly killed, they would have to bring 2 body bags, because I would literally just kill myself if something happened to her that I could have prevented.
I don't know what's worse the pain of the heartache or death?
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Please know that we understand that you are doing the best thing for your child.
Take good care of you andnof her.
Unfortunately, his behavior is typical abuser. Actually, it's what makes him an abuser! Abusers ALWAYS think their pain>>>>anyone else's pain. That's how they justify their behavior to themselves. The real sad thing is, he likely believes his own delusional crap.
Question: Is there really any reason you have to receive his text messages? Tell him you won't put up with his games, and block his number. Perhaps all legal questions regarding your child or separation should be handled through an intermediary, like a lawyer or judge.
These kinds of harassing and addled messages could probably be used as evidence against him and better illustrate to police/judge/jury just how unstable and potentially dangerous he is.
Alternatively, you might be able to get a court order for him to stop contacting/harassing you.
I also had to cut out a lot of people that supported him and dared contact me (like his mom, some mutual friends, etc). I blocked their number and never looked back. Unfortunately, it sucks that he's acting this way and I had to alter my life because of his antics, but I've finally come to point to see the antics for what they were--more abusive tactics.
Anyway, it has been hard mentally for me lately. My stbx husband was begging me for a picture, so I just sent a picture saying our baby is in good health and that's it - I didn't initiate any conversation with him. Well then he texts back saying it's impossible for our baby to be doing that well without him and how our baby needs a father and if he isn't a part of their life that I must have some other man passing as their father... anyway that really ticked me off and I just decided to turn off my phone completely because that is just ridiculous. He made it seem as if I was not competent enough to take care of my own child without him..
Not to mention he has his family constantly calling me - his aunt left me a long voice mail saying how a little push or slap happens from time to time when you're fighting and that it's "nothing" and that I have a "good" husband and blah blah blah. She also told me that I HAVE to call her back and they are my family and I can't just turn the page and get rid of them. OK... considering she came to see our baby when she was first born and then after 3 months, but now that there is this drama suddenly she is acting like we were super close.
So my phone is turned off for good. I have another phone I've been using but I kept this one on in case of emergency.
I will be writing the stbx a formal letter telling him that I am starting the divorce process and that I do NOT want any further contact except via e-mail (that way it can be traced) and if he needs to contact me for anything else he can contact my lawyer.