Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
One of the things I always struggled with in coming to the conclusion that my ex was an angry, mean bully was that he never ever called me names, swore at me. I would think how could it have been that bad if he didn't actually use bad words. That idea is funny to me now.
He was good....very intelligent, very sneaky. Instead he used words like "uncivil," as in I was being "uncivil" towards him. Really?? What was that like after you went into one of your ignoring me phases immediately following your rage phase. Or was that because I had the audacity to finally get angry at your utter bulls--- that wouldn't stop.
Of course, I was also "angry" and "controlling." Apparently, particularly "controlling" during my depression. Hmm....wonder why I was depressed to begin with.
And then there was the occasional "crazy" or "insane" thrown in. The best was when he held my cell and money he owed me in his fists over his head and refused to hand them to me, while threatening to slam the phone on the pavement, eventually causing me to have to call the police.
But the word that still sticks out the most in my mind is the word "pleasant." Understand my ex never really "fought" to keep me. Instead he would occasionally throw out "you can be very pleasant..." during conversations after I moved out but continue to work with him. I now understand this to mean "LT you have the ability to make me (ex) happy but you just aren't accomplishing that now."
An abuser who adheres to etiquette. And I had to find him. Yuck!
PS: For those of you who have endured the foul language, belittling names, and other more atrocious speech, I am so sorry. Abuse is abuse...it comes in all shapes, forms and sizes, unfortunately.
Peace to all.
He was good....very intelligent, very sneaky. Instead he used words like "uncivil," as in I was being "uncivil" towards him. Really?? What was that like after you went into one of your ignoring me phases immediately following your rage phase. Or was that because I had the audacity to finally get angry at your utter bulls--- that wouldn't stop.
Of course, I was also "angry" and "controlling." Apparently, particularly "controlling" during my depression. Hmm....wonder why I was depressed to begin with.
And then there was the occasional "crazy" or "insane" thrown in. The best was when he held my cell and money he owed me in his fists over his head and refused to hand them to me, while threatening to slam the phone on the pavement, eventually causing me to have to call the police.
But the word that still sticks out the most in my mind is the word "pleasant." Understand my ex never really "fought" to keep me. Instead he would occasionally throw out "you can be very pleasant..." during conversations after I moved out but continue to work with him. I now understand this to mean "LT you have the ability to make me (ex) happy but you just aren't accomplishing that now."
An abuser who adheres to etiquette. And I had to find him. Yuck!
PS: For those of you who have endured the foul language, belittling names, and other more atrocious speech, I am so sorry. Abuse is abuse...it comes in all shapes, forms and sizes, unfortunately.
Peace to all.
You sure got a good education from him though, and I think you have a very good chance that this will never happen to you again. You are certainly smart enough to look for red flags.
Thank goodness you got away from him when you did. I am still so proud of you!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
What you experienced really hits home for me. I can relate to the behaviors you had to deal with - my husband doesn't name call but instead he is so subtle and twists things - leaving me feeling extremely frustrated and angry. And now I'm at the point of feeling crazy and controlling and I hate that. I feel like such a bad, broken person. And yet I have to keep reminding myself that I have become this way because of him.
I am not a crazy, controlling bitter person. I am unhappy, very stressed and trying to cope.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm glad you're free of him and that condescending, confusing, manipulative behavior.
How long after did it take you to get back to your true self? I often feel so broken and so far gone, I can't even imagine not living in this pain, confusion and anger.
Hugs,
Things like, "I just don't know what has changed (Ha! I do!)" and, "You used to care about everything I said (Yes, I imagine I would have done with someone I loved, before you ruined my life!)
At these times, there was no raised voice, just apparent confusion and bewilderment. Aaaargh! I am so glad you are away from him too xx
Where will I turn when you turn away?
It's never just the things you say.
You never ever put me down,
But when I speak you turn around,
And saying that much is saying a lot.
Silence speaks a thousand words.
I don't think I'm back to my "true self" quite yet, but getting there. I still have sad days. But I now have more days where it's crystal clear I made a great decision for myself. Now tears symbolize the loss of my dream, not the loss of him.
Feeling crazy, controlling, confused are all hallmarks of what happens to us who experience abuse. While extremely uncomfortable, I take this as further evidence that things really were bad and were not going to get any better no matter what I did or didn't do.
Big hugs to you. It's tough...but you are tougher. You'll get through.
Mine was smart, attractive,
slick, earned six figures,
managed sixty people,
and was utterly "civi". . . .
until he threw things,
kicked doors
or hissed.
Then he was
himself. . . . .
an abuser.
His "civility"
cloaked his abuse
in attractive clothes.
He called our endless
circuitous verbal explorations
"discussion." They were, in
fact, hours of relentless
emotional abuse.
When I left
(to save my life),
he pursued me
with every "generosity"
he'd withheld during
our decade together.
They could have
confused me
but by then,
they really didn't.
By then, even before
I'd read Evans, and
knew it was abuse,
I knew that being
with him was toxic.
I knew that to live
any kind of
life with
satisfaction
or happiness,
that I could not
spend the days
of my life
with him.
Sending you hugs
and more hugs
and wishes
for healing
and happiness.