There are several excellent books by Patricia Evans that explain this. They are an easy read, too. The one I am reading right now is, "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can he change?" I would recommend this because she addresses your question better than I can explain.

Also, check out www.youarenotcrazy.com.

Hope this helps!

I've noticed that with my husband. He is very respected in his field and loved by the people that work for him. When we are out to an office function, he is Prince Charming. Then it is like- what happened to the Prince? How can he be so nice when we are someplace and then be so mean as soon as we get in the car?

Amanda, just by coincidence I ordered that book this morning. I'm looking forward to getting it.

Look at Joybean's post titled "Insight Into An Abuser (kinda long)" It is material from the www.youarenotcrazy.com site. I think it will help to answer this.

So glad you got that book cibolo! You will really be able to relate! My mouth would drop open at certain things I read because it was like she interviewed me to write her book. Her scenarios are from my life. You will be glad you bought the book.

Who said being an abuser is a disease? It's not. It's a choice. It's a mindset of entitlement and feelings of being above it all. They feel that they are owed whatever it is they are demanding from their primary relationship.

They don't act the same way at work because they don't need to. Everything they need in the way of affirmation they are getting from abusing the single target at home. They are getting power and control by the complete subjecation of another human being.

Queenvalerie is right. Abusive behavior stems from a personality disorder, which is NOT the same thing as a mental illness (see my response regarding sociopathy). Abusive behavior is a choice. They choose who are their victims and who they charm. Even with their victims they can turn the abuse on and off at will.

Mental illness is most commonly caused by brain and/or nerve functions not working properly. This can be caused by birth defects, trauma or chemical imbalances. Many of these are treatable with medications (particularly those caused by chemical imbalances). In many cases, those that are mentally ill have no control over some of their actions or responses, and sometimes they don't remember certain things that they do.

Someone with a personality disorder has a predisposed or has been conditioned to respond a certain way in order to get the things that they want. It is like the spoiled child that throws temper tantrums until the parents give in, or the neighborhood bully who figures out that he can get anything he wants by instilling fear into everyone around him.

So if abusers make the decision to abuse, then they are not so much sick as they are evil, mean people who CHOOSE to get by this way. How can they look in the mirror and not hate themselves?

So if abusers make the decision to abuse, then they are not so much sick as they are evil, mean people who CHOOSE to get by this way. How can they look in the mirror and not hate themselves?

Because what we see as vile behavior is actually what is getting them what they want. They see it as strength, as control, as power. Their abuse is getting them the desired reaction. The victims (and those around them that are aware of the situation - like you) are focusing your attention on him. They don't care if the attention is positive or negative. The focus of every mind in his house is on him isn't it. How is he going to act or react, is this going to make him mad, is this the day he hits me. Everyone is walking around on eggshells bowing to his every whim to keep him satisfied and therefore quiet. I know your sister is withdrawing away from the relationship, but she's still there and still trying to survive in this environment so believe me when I tell you, this is exactly what is going on in her head. She is planning her escape I know, but in the meantime it is nothing short of self-preservation to be so narrowly focused when you live with an abuser. She doesn't have a choice just like I never had a choice. All the time I was planning my escape (about 4 months) I still had to do whatever it was that kept me alive. And I mean that literally. In the back of my mind I was always thinking "You son of a bitch, you wait until 'm gone", but I still had to do what was "required". And all this time he felt he was getting what was owed to him, by me, his hostage of choice.

Abusers don't see things the way we do. They genuinely believe their crap. It took me a long time to realise this and I still struggle with this.

One can even see abusers come to DS and do this. I find it amazing to watch what theydo and say. And it can help us learn about our abusive partners as there people don't know us so what they do comes from an abuser in action. It is a gift to watch them go through their nasty paces and helps us recognise the abuser mindset and way of behaving that people like Patricia Evans explain to us so well.

And thank you for yet another gem for my photo frame collection of great sayings, queenvalerie: I am going to write "Abusers get power and control by the subjugation of another human being" into word and print it out. We need to remember that that is what they are doing in their twisted attempts to feel ok instead of the pathetic low self-esteem they really have.

Low self-esteem as such does not have to lead to abusive behavior, of course. It just does in abusers as they have a twisted mindset.