Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I had an interesting visit with my psychiatrist earlier this week. He specializes with narcissism and ptsd (which is why I see him). He gave me an article written as a first-person account of what it is like to be a narcissist.
I was intrigued by the article enough to google the author's name, and what I found surprised me. It was the forward for a book called 'Malignant Self-Love' written by Sam Vaknin who is a self-professed narcissist (which I don't doubt, as he seems to think rather highly of himself). He has an extensive website full of interesting links.
One of the topics was on narcissists and counseling. It offered insights into how narcissists use therapy to their advantage... And this is where it gets deep!
I took some of this information from his website and some of it is from other sites I have visited and books I have read:
Abusers will only enter counseling if absolutely necessary, ie., if their life is falling apart and has become unmanageable, they are about to lose valuable supply or someone they love or if they are forced to.
They will use being in counseling as an excuse for attempting to get 'better', as proof they are serious about changing, as a way to convince themselves they are normal and everything really is everyone else's fault, as a way to educate themselves on terminology and lingo, to gain skills to further manipulate the people around them.
They will often enter into therapy pretending not to know anything about psychology and defer to the psychologist or Dr. as the expert, when in fact they have read up on everything they can find about whatever forced them into counseling in the first place.
They do this to gain trust. Also, by presenting their problems as issues they need 'help' with, they are also searching for ways to assign blame.
***
For example, when an abuser enters therapy, even if they think they are genuinely trying to change. They will often present a situation like this:
Abuser: My wife is threatening to leave me again. I don't think she knows what she is doing to me when she says things like that. I mean, I know I have issues, but I am trying to change! All I am asking is for her to work with me a little bit, just to give me a little time.
Therapist: Why is she threatening to leave you?
Abuser: We were over at her mother's house all day and I was tired, so when we came home I asked if she could be the one to put the kids to bed tonight. I really wanted to just have a beer and go to sleep. Well, she got all riled up and said that she was tired too, and started in on me about how I need to help out more around the house.
I mean, I work a full-time job and provide for the kids and her, isn't that enough? Everything I do, I do for her!
Therapist: Did you tell her this?
Abuser: Yes! I couldn't take it anymore when she started in on me. I know I shouldn't have yelled, but I couldn't help myself! She knows that this is a hot issue for me. My dad never took care of my mom and I, so I try my best to take care of her, but that is never enough! She uses this fact against me to guilt-trip me into doing what she wants! So what if I lose my temper? I was trying to defend myself!
Therapist: Well, I think we can agree that most people would be upset in this case. Have you pointed this out to your wife?
(Later on, at home...)
Wife: How did it go today?
Abuser: Well, if you want to know the truth, not well. He said you use my past to manipulate me into doing what you want me to do, and that I can't be blamed for getting upset. He said most people would get angry if they had to deal with what I have to.
***
The therapist has unknowingly justified the abuser's anger and his professional authority is now being used to make the victim feel like she is to blame for her husband's abusive behavior.
The therapist is also unaware of the fact the abuser has been verbally jabbing her all day about the kids being dirty, how she never seems to get enough laundry done and how if he was home more they would never behave the way that they do. In other words, he has been amping her up all day my making her feel like she is not good enough, isn't a good mother and that she is lazy.
This is only one example of how counseling can be used against the victim. There are many other ways.
This example can also be reversed.
The wife enters into therapy thinking that she has a problem. She feels like nothing she does ever is ever good enough, she has uncontrollable angry outbursts on minute and then is sobbing the next. Her work is suffering. Her marriage is falling apart and even day to day tasks have become too much. Her husband says there is something wrong with her, and she is beginning to doubt her own sanity.
Therapist: How are you today?
Wife: I have been better. Jim and I took the kids over to my mother's this weekend. All day long, I just felt like I could nothing right. I try to take care of the kids the best I can, but at the end of the day I am tired. I don't know, I just kind of lost it last night.
Therapist: What happened?
Wife: I was so exhausted from seeing my mom. She has trouble getting around, so I helped her cook and cleaned up a little around the house. The kids were out playing in the backyard, and I guess they got a little dirty. I mean, I know I should have been watching them, but I thought Jim was. He was out there with them, drinking beer with my dad. Anyhow, Jim got embarrassed that the kids had grass stains on their pants and were screaming while playing tag. He says they are becoming unruly. I mean I guess they are, but they are 5 and 8, isn't that what kids do?
After Jim's comments, I just felt on the verge of tears all day and it was all I could do to keep it together.
My mom noticed something was wrong, and I told her I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough. She asked me why I don't ask Jim for more help around the house? I explained he already worked enough, but my mom pointed out one evening wouldn't kill him. I started thinking maybe she was right, that it couldn't hurt to ask.
Therapist: Did you ask him for help?
Wife: Yes, later on when we got home. He just lost it! he started screaming that I never appreciate him and all the hard work that he does, that all he wanted was some time to relax. I got angry and resentful and told him that it wouldn't hurt him to read the kids a story or two every once in a while, and that I felt like I was all alone in this marriage.
He asked me why I didn't leave, so I said that I should have, that either way I would be doing all the work at home.
Therapist: I understand that you were upset. I think we need to work on communication between the two of you. Do you think Jim knows how much you appreciate him?
(Later on that evening...)
Husband: How did it go today?
Wife: It went okay. I am sorry about last night. I think we need to communicate better. I also wanted to tell you that I know you work really hard to support the kids and I. It can't be easy.
Husband: Does this mean you will lay off when I want a beer every know and then?
****
Okay, so the last example was a little tongue-in-cheek. However, the therapist in trying to help the wife reconcile the marriage is also unwittingly supporting her abuser. He believes that by encouraging the wife to express her feelings and to become more open to her husband that they will be brought closer together, the marriage will become more secure, the wife's sense of self-esteem will rise and she will become more secure and stable in who she is, when in fact the opposite is true!
This is why it is very important for everyone seeking counseling to see someone who specializes in abuse!!!
Also, I would be cautious of an abuser reading books on abuse. The books are filled with examples of abuse and tactics abusers use.
Knowledge=Power
All they are learning from counseling, books and anger-management classes is ways to become more efficient and powerful abusers.
The true test about whether or not someone has changed is not how many times they have attended counseling, whether or not they have sought medication, taken classes on anger management, apologized or begged for forgiveness (as they can do so well), is time.
Hope you enjoyed!
I was intrigued by the article enough to google the author's name, and what I found surprised me. It was the forward for a book called 'Malignant Self-Love' written by Sam Vaknin who is a self-professed narcissist (which I don't doubt, as he seems to think rather highly of himself). He has an extensive website full of interesting links.
One of the topics was on narcissists and counseling. It offered insights into how narcissists use therapy to their advantage... And this is where it gets deep!
I took some of this information from his website and some of it is from other sites I have visited and books I have read:
Abusers will only enter counseling if absolutely necessary, ie., if their life is falling apart and has become unmanageable, they are about to lose valuable supply or someone they love or if they are forced to.
They will use being in counseling as an excuse for attempting to get 'better', as proof they are serious about changing, as a way to convince themselves they are normal and everything really is everyone else's fault, as a way to educate themselves on terminology and lingo, to gain skills to further manipulate the people around them.
They will often enter into therapy pretending not to know anything about psychology and defer to the psychologist or Dr. as the expert, when in fact they have read up on everything they can find about whatever forced them into counseling in the first place.
They do this to gain trust. Also, by presenting their problems as issues they need 'help' with, they are also searching for ways to assign blame.
***
For example, when an abuser enters therapy, even if they think they are genuinely trying to change. They will often present a situation like this:
Abuser: My wife is threatening to leave me again. I don't think she knows what she is doing to me when she says things like that. I mean, I know I have issues, but I am trying to change! All I am asking is for her to work with me a little bit, just to give me a little time.
Therapist: Why is she threatening to leave you?
Abuser: We were over at her mother's house all day and I was tired, so when we came home I asked if she could be the one to put the kids to bed tonight. I really wanted to just have a beer and go to sleep. Well, she got all riled up and said that she was tired too, and started in on me about how I need to help out more around the house.
I mean, I work a full-time job and provide for the kids and her, isn't that enough? Everything I do, I do for her!
Therapist: Did you tell her this?
Abuser: Yes! I couldn't take it anymore when she started in on me. I know I shouldn't have yelled, but I couldn't help myself! She knows that this is a hot issue for me. My dad never took care of my mom and I, so I try my best to take care of her, but that is never enough! She uses this fact against me to guilt-trip me into doing what she wants! So what if I lose my temper? I was trying to defend myself!
Therapist: Well, I think we can agree that most people would be upset in this case. Have you pointed this out to your wife?
(Later on, at home...)
Wife: How did it go today?
Abuser: Well, if you want to know the truth, not well. He said you use my past to manipulate me into doing what you want me to do, and that I can't be blamed for getting upset. He said most people would get angry if they had to deal with what I have to.
***
The therapist has unknowingly justified the abuser's anger and his professional authority is now being used to make the victim feel like she is to blame for her husband's abusive behavior.
The therapist is also unaware of the fact the abuser has been verbally jabbing her all day about the kids being dirty, how she never seems to get enough laundry done and how if he was home more they would never behave the way that they do. In other words, he has been amping her up all day my making her feel like she is not good enough, isn't a good mother and that she is lazy.
This is only one example of how counseling can be used against the victim. There are many other ways.
This example can also be reversed.
The wife enters into therapy thinking that she has a problem. She feels like nothing she does ever is ever good enough, she has uncontrollable angry outbursts on minute and then is sobbing the next. Her work is suffering. Her marriage is falling apart and even day to day tasks have become too much. Her husband says there is something wrong with her, and she is beginning to doubt her own sanity.
Therapist: How are you today?
Wife: I have been better. Jim and I took the kids over to my mother's this weekend. All day long, I just felt like I could nothing right. I try to take care of the kids the best I can, but at the end of the day I am tired. I don't know, I just kind of lost it last night.
Therapist: What happened?
Wife: I was so exhausted from seeing my mom. She has trouble getting around, so I helped her cook and cleaned up a little around the house. The kids were out playing in the backyard, and I guess they got a little dirty. I mean, I know I should have been watching them, but I thought Jim was. He was out there with them, drinking beer with my dad. Anyhow, Jim got embarrassed that the kids had grass stains on their pants and were screaming while playing tag. He says they are becoming unruly. I mean I guess they are, but they are 5 and 8, isn't that what kids do?
After Jim's comments, I just felt on the verge of tears all day and it was all I could do to keep it together.
My mom noticed something was wrong, and I told her I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough. She asked me why I don't ask Jim for more help around the house? I explained he already worked enough, but my mom pointed out one evening wouldn't kill him. I started thinking maybe she was right, that it couldn't hurt to ask.
Therapist: Did you ask him for help?
Wife: Yes, later on when we got home. He just lost it! he started screaming that I never appreciate him and all the hard work that he does, that all he wanted was some time to relax. I got angry and resentful and told him that it wouldn't hurt him to read the kids a story or two every once in a while, and that I felt like I was all alone in this marriage.
He asked me why I didn't leave, so I said that I should have, that either way I would be doing all the work at home.
Therapist: I understand that you were upset. I think we need to work on communication between the two of you. Do you think Jim knows how much you appreciate him?
(Later on that evening...)
Husband: How did it go today?
Wife: It went okay. I am sorry about last night. I think we need to communicate better. I also wanted to tell you that I know you work really hard to support the kids and I. It can't be easy.
Husband: Does this mean you will lay off when I want a beer every know and then?
****
Okay, so the last example was a little tongue-in-cheek. However, the therapist in trying to help the wife reconcile the marriage is also unwittingly supporting her abuser. He believes that by encouraging the wife to express her feelings and to become more open to her husband that they will be brought closer together, the marriage will become more secure, the wife's sense of self-esteem will rise and she will become more secure and stable in who she is, when in fact the opposite is true!
This is why it is very important for everyone seeking counseling to see someone who specializes in abuse!!!
Also, I would be cautious of an abuser reading books on abuse. The books are filled with examples of abuse and tactics abusers use.
Knowledge=Power
All they are learning from counseling, books and anger-management classes is ways to become more efficient and powerful abusers.
The true test about whether or not someone has changed is not how many times they have attended counseling, whether or not they have sought medication, taken classes on anger management, apologized or begged for forgiveness (as they can do so well), is time.
Hope you enjoyed!
Thank you so much for posting this.
I think much of what he writes is intentionally provocative, and written with a false sense of authority. I highly question a narcissist's ability to talk objectively about their disorder because by definition they are ego-centric. I found myself reading his posts as though I were observing him.
These guys love to talk about themselves! I look at his book as another example at the lengths to which a narcissist will go to in order to feed their need for supply. Truly, there is no such thing as bad attention for them!
Thank you for your post. I wrote it because I was/have been in therapy almost the entire time I was with my ex. My regular therapist is a wonderful, insightful man who has helped me heal various parts of my life in ways no one was able to help me before. But... And this is a big but... He did not pick up on the abuse. He continually tried to encourage me to talk to my ex in different ways/forms under the mistaken belief that communication was our problem. I was encouraged to be more vocal and vulnerable, which only allowed my abuser to exploit my feelings and insecurities further. To his credit, he did try to dissuade me from being with him, but given false kernels of hope that somehow everything wrong between us was just one giant misunderstanding, I stayed with him. I gave him years of my life trying to raise one iota of compassion, of genuine care and concern about put relationship from this man, utterly convinced if I said/did the right thing that everything would be better between us. The doors of love wpuld be magically unlocked, and the man I fell in love with would return.
We all know better now...
I met my new psychiatrist when my old doctor decided to move out of state. He referred me to the doc I am seeing now. The new doc picked up on the elements of abuse within 3-4 sessions. I was lucky to accidentally encounter someone who knows so much about trauma, abuse and narcissism (something my ex definately has).
Several of my friends are therapists and don't seem to know much about how to recognize physical abuse. The center of their focus seems to be on empowering the individual to be their best selves and to remove the pain and heal their patients the best they know how. Unfortunately, this approach doesn't work when ypu are being torn down everyday!
Ugh!! There is a lot of miseducation about abuse!
Livin'.... why on earth would someone want to make a documentary deciding whether or not they are a psychopath? This guy is even more warped in his head than I thought! Ok, now I am gping to have to watch it!
Because he is one. Self-maligned (2.harmful or evil: harmful or evil in nature, effect, or intention
3.wishing to harm others: having or showing a desire to cause harm or pain to others
He is a freaking NUT! I, Psychopath will freak you out and make you hate everything about him.
the shrink gave him an IQ test saying he has average intelligence not all super smart like my dad says he is. my mom is a narc herself mirror image of one another. i called out my therapist telling her how she is twisting my words she said ur parents are doing you a good deed by giving u a roof over ur head and food. i said thats surface level but behind close doors, it is hoarded and they dont like to buy food at all.
i asked my therapist if someone is a narc, they treat you like a slave, they have zero consciousness and no empathy towards love whatsoever, etc how can they do a good deed for you? she's heard my story for a whole year and since she is a mom herself she feels there is an ounce of love somewhere i told her do u have experience in narcissism? i never got an answer but she does have experience in abuse/trauma - she comes across as clueless.
i told therapist in therapy it doesnt help if ur trying to pin this on me and we all know abusers use many different tactics to change their stories it is so unbelievable that the lies are the strongest, most powerful, and it sounds way too much like the truth.
here's a question for everybody. u know someone or both parties are narcs, we know that you can't talk to them no matter how many different communication styles u use, nothing phases them. they dont care how grown you are they just want you a prisoner for them. is there a way to be assertive towards narcs especially if u still live with one?