Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It has been 4 weeks since I told my emotionally abusive husband that enough is enough and I really meant it this time (and for the first time I do). At that exact moment (and not a minute prior did he say anything like this or elude to this life change) he had an "epiphany" and changed his life, that he has been soul searching for months, realized his wrong doings, wanted to spend the rest of his life building me up, yadda yadda yadda. I really believed he was sincere and genuine but I am so broken.
I decided to see a counselor about 3 weeks ago and basically I have to figure out who I am and what I want before I can decide anything further. My therapist told me that I needed to focus on me because all my life I did for others and all my relationship with my husband I did everything to make him happy even at my expense despite how much he put me down trying to "win" his love to no avail.
Now it seems like he may be slowly creeping back to the way he was. He is making comments such as "I just sat on the counch and watched re-runs, I never added anything to the relationship except love and support, "we are were we are today (happiness, hobbies, etc.) because of him, that I have always been "All talk and no action", (this he just said an hour ago). My therapist told me that only time will tell if he has truly changed and it seems like it hasn't taken long for that to happen. Or so I think.
As I have said in my prior post, he makes me feel like I am crazy, says I over anaylize things and only see the negative. He now tells me that he is just trying to get used to this and he is having a hard time with it. He makes me feel bad, he told me that he doesn't understand why my therapist wants me to work on only me. He said it doesn't matter because I like my therapist but said that he wanted me to choose a christian counselor who would focus on "we" not "i". Does he not realize that I need to work on "I" because of him?! It's almost like he is scared for me to work on me..... He says its because he thinks it will push me further from him and our mariage.
He tells me he accepts responsibility for how he treated me and being a critic instead of a supporter, but always counters that back with "But.... You made me feel...." Today he told me that him being a critic of me happens in a lot of relationships (as if to validate that it happens and is not a big deal)....... He said that a coworker told him that her husband says mean things to her too and she just had to get over it. So I guess now he relates her relationship exactly to ours.....
Am I being to critical of him? Should I be giving him a chance? Should I be being sympathetic to his feelings? Should I care more?
I decided to see a counselor about 3 weeks ago and basically I have to figure out who I am and what I want before I can decide anything further. My therapist told me that I needed to focus on me because all my life I did for others and all my relationship with my husband I did everything to make him happy even at my expense despite how much he put me down trying to "win" his love to no avail.
Now it seems like he may be slowly creeping back to the way he was. He is making comments such as "I just sat on the counch and watched re-runs, I never added anything to the relationship except love and support, "we are were we are today (happiness, hobbies, etc.) because of him, that I have always been "All talk and no action", (this he just said an hour ago). My therapist told me that only time will tell if he has truly changed and it seems like it hasn't taken long for that to happen. Or so I think.
As I have said in my prior post, he makes me feel like I am crazy, says I over anaylize things and only see the negative. He now tells me that he is just trying to get used to this and he is having a hard time with it. He makes me feel bad, he told me that he doesn't understand why my therapist wants me to work on only me. He said it doesn't matter because I like my therapist but said that he wanted me to choose a christian counselor who would focus on "we" not "i". Does he not realize that I need to work on "I" because of him?! It's almost like he is scared for me to work on me..... He says its because he thinks it will push me further from him and our mariage.
He tells me he accepts responsibility for how he treated me and being a critic instead of a supporter, but always counters that back with "But.... You made me feel...." Today he told me that him being a critic of me happens in a lot of relationships (as if to validate that it happens and is not a big deal)....... He said that a coworker told him that her husband says mean things to her too and she just had to get over it. So I guess now he relates her relationship exactly to ours.....
Am I being to critical of him? Should I be giving him a chance? Should I be being sympathetic to his feelings? Should I care more?
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A tree outside where I live is dying, seemingly from dog urine----with the bully in my building going out his way to not only have his dog urinate there but to have the dog urinate on the fence and sign I bought to try save the tree----and then slide the sign under my apt door.Turns out that was a TRIGGER for me----bullying and humialtion right out of high school. I didn't realize it at the...
You have been with this guy for 20 years, I tell you, if I were you I would run as fast and as far as I could while I was still young. He is not a good role model for the kids either.
Why should you care more about him, when he has never cared about your feelings. He's had 20 years. That is a long enough of a chance. He is the one who has killed your feelings for him. This is not on you. He has done this all by himself.
I hope you find a new life where you and your kids can be happy and abuse free. It will be horribly hard to leave, but in the long run you will NOT be sorry.
Good luck and please take care of yourself.
NO
""""""""Should I be giving him a chance?""""""""
How many have you
given him already?
""""""""""""Should I be being sympathetic to his feelings?"""""""""""
What has he done with
your sympathy, empathy
and love, so far?
""""""""""Should I care more?""""""""""""
Yes. Care more about
YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
""""""""""""It's almost like he is scared for me to work on me....."""""""""
Yes. He's terrified
of you working on you.
Your focusing on YOU
THREATENS the HELL
out of his abusive agenda.
"""""""""He says its because he thinks it will push me further from him and our mariage.""""""""
Yes. . . . push you to a
HEALTHY,
ABUSE-FREE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is a CLASSIC ABUSER.
DON'T BE CONFUSED.
He's a TEXTBOOK ABUSER.
LOVE YOURSELF.
CLAIM YOUR LIFE.
CLAIM YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you don't want to be on this site at maybe age 54 (my age) complaining about people you should have gotten away from decades prior.
but...but...but---the "but" is the most important word to remember him by; all the stuff that is said before that is just something to lead up to the very important...but.
This is the latest from 5 minutes ago.......................... He called me to read an article from a rabbi, talking about how working on yourself causes marriages to fail. Eluding to my therapist putting words in my mouth about me not wanting to be married.
Just when I think I am strong and I know what I'm doing, he knows just how to tear it down.
reading from a rabbi, huh...?! that's classic!
the old and new testament all about how women should put up with their men's crap.
and then there's lot's daughters, who after sodom and gomarah was destroyed, had sex with their dad....look up that bible story.
warren jeffs, usa prophet, was jailed a year or 2 ago for having sex with minors...".for religious reasons"
maybe next, your husband will tell you how its ok among some mormon and muslim sects to have a number of wives.
you might want to join the victims of psychopaths group.
I am sure he has always been very aware how you worked so hard on this relationship even as you say at your own expense sometimes.
I agree it is time to focus on yourself and know that our caring for others comes best out of first taking care of oursleves.
I know it is hard around these people - I would encourage you to keep reminding yourself of the truth about yourself, all the positive things and hold to that. Become more and more rooted in this truth, he might at times get to you in unexpected ways but he cannot remove this truth from you.
All the best to you for a healthy life - take care.
You cannot take responsibility with a "but", and if he takes no responsibility, then he's not changing.
The other responses are all spot on too, that one just struck me particularly.
He's not changing, he's not changed, he's merely shifted gears on the abuse highway. A great many abusers manage an "epiphany" when their victim is seriously threatening to leave. The epiphany lasts, at most, just long enough to get the victim to change their mind.
As for the counsellor? He's hoping you'll find one of "those" Christians (and I am not saying all are like this at all) who will preach at you that divorce is always wrong, that the woman should always submit to the man and that your marriage will be fine as long as you work harder to be better. But they are wrong. I cannot believe in a God who would require submission to abuse, and nor can most Christians I know.
You don't have to put up with abuse, it's not "normal", nor should you have to "just get over it". Does he "just get over it" if you are mean or critical to him?
Every one of us has the right (indeed the obligation) to work on ourselves, to become happier and better people within ourselves. Only an abuser would want you not to do that - because in doing so, there's a good chance you'll see him much more clearly for who he really is.
And one last point ... how many 2nd chances to you give someone, before it's no longer a 2nd chance? He's had 20 years of 2nd chances. His problem if he's not availed himself of any of them until it's too late (especially since I can see no real hint that he's availing himself now).
It is really funny..... I addressed his call with him after I took a few breaths. He is now talking in circles. What is he trying to confuse me? I call him on the "I take full ownership, "but" and of course he responds with "I never said that", I quoted him and he changed to. "Yes, I take full ownership & I'm not making excuses, nothing I did was right & I was only saying that because its how I felt". He said he wants to be able to express how he feels.... I told him that he says it as if to justify why he did what he did to me. Now he is in the "that's not what I said, that's not what I meant".... Really?!?!
This is so freaking exhausting! He baits me everytime!!!! Why do I fall for it? He is either really good at what he does or maybe I am really over analyzing things?
He tried to tell me that he only brought the rabbi article up just for something to think about. This after earlier today he spent at least 20 minutes with his depressed voice telling me that he doesn't understand why I have to work on me only?
Ugh..... :(
The "I never said that" is classic gaslighting. That's one of my father's absolute favourites. And it can have you questioning reality. Don't fall for it. But don't be down on yourself for getting suckered in either. I used to have THE.MOST.INSANE "conversations" with my ex. Made no sense at all, just all twists and turns and crazymaking crap - and yet, it took me the longest time to realise that I could just step off that ride by not engaging with his nonsense. And even longer to be able to actually not engage.
gaslighting---from the classic 1940s movie, "gaslight" in which ingrid bergman's husband tries to drive her crazy.
Imagine this:- you give up your counseling because u think that by doing so, he will get better and be happier!
He arranges for u both to see a Christian counselor. This counsellor is only interested in keeping you two together because of his/her own religious abuse and effectively the whole point of a counsellor goes out of the window as he/she projectes their own values of worth onto you ( in the eyes of their idea of God!)
So for how ever many weeks, despite u desperately trying to be heard and clutching at straws, you now have two abusive people telling u what u think and feel is wrong and that u shouldn't be questioning anything!
You begin to feel even more lost, even more at fault, your head is spinning 200 x more than it is now!
With his new sense of justification he feels confident to abuse u even more, he has back up, u can't leave, God would not approve!!!
You feel well and truly trapped because part of your belief system fears doing the wrong thing even more so than ever because in his eyes and your counsellors eyes u have been wrong in the past, and with the extra added abuse he's now giving you, your always wrong, at fault and totally useless and self unaware, so now the struggle to grasp hold of reality is so much harder than its ever been! And u feel trapped!!
Deep down what makes it worse is the fact that you'll know in your subconscious that your being suffocated and you'll go mad trying to figure a way out of this tight grip!
You'll try to free yourself, but he will grab tighter and harder, after all how dare u question him and the Christian counsellor, but most importantly God!!!
This sounds frightening to me and if it does to you then doesn't it make the prospect of you escaping down the road he's trying to stop u from going far more brighter and manageable than the one he's desperate to take u down??
U can have a million conversations with him, he will always twist, u will never get a good point if view across and you'll always be shut up In some way!
Your only chance of freedom that u desperately can taste and deep down want, is to walk away from him!
You can find you once your away from him, I disagree with your counsellor that u have to find u first before action, you'll never ever ever ever ever EVER find u whilst he's in your life!
Trust me, talking from experience!!
It's only after, when your not talked or bullied out if looking and listening to the real you that you go "oh, hello me, wow that's me, I never knew that and I've forgot about that!!"