Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I don't want today to suck, but I'm fully prepared that it may. Today is the one year mark of when I could first clearly see that my relationship had crossed that point of no return. I'm still not over it. I still catch myself bargaining that I could return to the life I had a year and a day ago, more often wishing my ex was never a part of it. I gave up a lot of things that made me happy, trying to make him happy.
I still have a hard time comprehending how someone could lie about such serious stuff. I still wonder what the heck was real and what was him talking out of his rear. I still catch myself asking thin air the questions I'll never have answers to. I don't even know what people think I did, and I never will, because he never let me get close to the people he knew.
It doesn't matter what strangers think about me, but I do know the extreme extent of the lies my ex was willing to tell, so I can't help but wonder what he said I did. The last day I saw his father and his older brother, they were standing with my ex in my yard, packing his things. I was still parking my car after coming home from work. They looked at me as if I were a charging bull, and they literally ran to their vehicles and drove off, leaving a lot of my ex's things behind. That was the last I saw of them. What would it take for something like that to happen, for three grown men larger than me, to look so scared and flee? And why would someone need to tell such a story that caused that fear, whatever it was? That's the kind of stuff I wonder about.
I know what I'm supposed to do today. Take a long bath. Paint a pretty picture. Take a jog. Watch a funny movie and make the best dang popcorn ever. Have lunch with a good friend. But I don't want to. A giant part of me wants to feel bad and just get it out of my system. I want to have a good big crying session and yell "F you" into my pillow. I want to hate that G-d made people incapable of caring. I want to hate that G-d made me care.
Luckily, despite wanting to do these angry things, I can honestly say it's a fleeting thought and I don't feel awful at the moment. In fact, I feel less hurt now than I have during other holidays/anniversaries over the last year. But I still could use some supportive words. I still feel misplaced guilt because I knew he was "sick." I still think about it a lot. I keep telling myself that no matter how "good" I could have been, it was always going to end the same unnecessarily bad way. I keep telling myself that it was good I fought back, because it ended the relationship sooner, and the more I had invested the more it could have hurt.
I do have one request. Please don't tell me I "dodged a bullet." I super can't stand that phrase, because quite honestly, I still feel like I got shot.
I still have a hard time comprehending how someone could lie about such serious stuff. I still wonder what the heck was real and what was him talking out of his rear. I still catch myself asking thin air the questions I'll never have answers to. I don't even know what people think I did, and I never will, because he never let me get close to the people he knew.
It doesn't matter what strangers think about me, but I do know the extreme extent of the lies my ex was willing to tell, so I can't help but wonder what he said I did. The last day I saw his father and his older brother, they were standing with my ex in my yard, packing his things. I was still parking my car after coming home from work. They looked at me as if I were a charging bull, and they literally ran to their vehicles and drove off, leaving a lot of my ex's things behind. That was the last I saw of them. What would it take for something like that to happen, for three grown men larger than me, to look so scared and flee? And why would someone need to tell such a story that caused that fear, whatever it was? That's the kind of stuff I wonder about.
I know what I'm supposed to do today. Take a long bath. Paint a pretty picture. Take a jog. Watch a funny movie and make the best dang popcorn ever. Have lunch with a good friend. But I don't want to. A giant part of me wants to feel bad and just get it out of my system. I want to have a good big crying session and yell "F you" into my pillow. I want to hate that G-d made people incapable of caring. I want to hate that G-d made me care.
Luckily, despite wanting to do these angry things, I can honestly say it's a fleeting thought and I don't feel awful at the moment. In fact, I feel less hurt now than I have during other holidays/anniversaries over the last year. But I still could use some supportive words. I still feel misplaced guilt because I knew he was "sick." I still think about it a lot. I keep telling myself that no matter how "good" I could have been, it was always going to end the same unnecessarily bad way. I keep telling myself that it was good I fought back, because it ended the relationship sooner, and the more I had invested the more it could have hurt.
I do have one request. Please don't tell me I "dodged a bullet." I super can't stand that phrase, because quite honestly, I still feel like I got shot.
bottled i'm not going to tell you to watch a ryan gossling movie and do your nails because that's not usually what works for me. i say, if you want to scream, scream. if you want to curse until the religious statues at the nearest church begin to weep, have at it. you have been poisoned, get it out of your system any way that feels right. anyone who has a problem with it should consider themselves lucky your mouth is the only orifice in play.
also, don't waste energy beating yourself up for wanting to set him on fire because he's "sick." i don't buy it, i guess i don't have the compassion in me right now to see anything but consistent selfish, abusive, brutal choices my ex made and continues to make. labeling him as "sick" takes responsibility off of him and he already takes responsibility for nothing. regardless of the diagnosis, it doesn't change your pain and your experience. if someone with leprosy dropped their arm into your coffee, you'd be mad. you might not say it, but you would definitely think "why would you ride a crowded bus when your limbs can drop at a moment's notice? where's your civic responsibility?" be mad because you've been wronged. the details don't make any difference, there is no place for guilt.
one last thing to consider:
in my experience the size of the story the abuser tells is directionally proportional to the overcompensation required. so, you and your ex bicker, when you walk away he turns to his friend and says "she's just a bitch."
you have a knock-down-drag-out fight, and it almost looks like he might have done something to contribute to the smoke coming out of your ears. he says "she's delusional...why, just last night she accused me of cheating when she found me having sex in an alley! she's just negative and a liar. see? she has smoke coming out of her ears!"
throwing him out requires the big guns "she's bent on world domination, i found a test tube of anthrax under the bed and she's going to put it in the water supply!" cue the fearful looks in your direction, and mad dash for the car. instead of wondering about the stories he told, revel in the level of anxiety he needed to quell with them. he might as well have wet his pants in front of you.
this is one more year towards total freedom from the attachment to memory. one more year towards making this such a small dot in your rear view mirror you don't even realize when it totally disappears.
congratulations on being a butt-kicker. enjoy your day.
Everything you feel is okay-the anger, the sadness, the disbelief. You are making progress in healing. That means you are heroic in my eyes. You are overcoming, persevering. You just keep doing what you're doing-because whatever it is it sure looks like it's working for you.
Congratulations on starting year number two free of him and his lies!! Go you!
I say what your feeling is all ok and part of the healing process.
You were hurt.lied about and too and that is something that takes time to move on from.
Good for you that you are no longer with that person.
So sending you positive energy,and hope that your flame of self love is growing with your independence and freedom.
Don't worry about what you're "supposed" to do. Excellent advice from my counselor: "You don't need to have feelings about your feelings." It's so true. We can tell it hurts and you should never have been treated that way!
Bottled I have to say with all I am going through I'm amazed that you had the strength to get out. It is so hard, the madness the constant looking over ur shoulder, 2nd guessing yourself, I too am glad u shared this.
What I did today after I cried I went and bought a meal for a homeless person and I cried I felt like even though I don't know why he is there someone was going to appreciate something I did. :( It was my way of self care and giving back no matter what was taken from me. He didn't take my compassion away from another human being.