Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
During this month of Thanksgiving it is certainly appropriate to evaluate what you are thankful for. Now, that might be a little challenging considering the wreckage of a pathological relationship so be thankful that this article has arrived in your inbox. We would like to offer some reminders of the blessings of pathology.
Be thankful for your new filter
What the psychopath has given you is the ability to spot. That is a gift. Many people don't know what pathology looks like and, as a result, move forward in spite of the patterns of behavior that are present. Once you move toward a psychopath it's like you're a fly in a web...stuck. The ability to spot the spider and the web keeps you far, far away from danger. If you made it out, then knowing the power of pathology is a gift. You have a new filter to lay over your own perceptions and understanding of the world and this filter will ultimately keep you much safer.
Be thankful for the peek deep into who you are
We know that pathology is soul stealing. It grinds you down to the bare bones of who you are and what you believe. It is a terrifying, maniacal, devastating process. There is no doubt that going through it is likely one of the worst experiences of your life. What is left when you leave is your foundation. There might even be a few cracks there. But no doubt you are seeing things about yourself that you didn't know existed or that you had forgotten about. As you look back on the moments of manipulation, you undoubtedly see what was done to your values, your worth, and your beliefs. But through this careful evaluation you can reaffirm where you stand and what you stand on.
Be thankful for understanding love in a whole new way
Love is not fantasy. Love is not a task. Love is not excitement (it's pretty boring). Love is not adrenaline or fear covered by excitement. Love is steady, unconditional, joyous and gentle. Sometimes we learn lessons by not getting what we need and pathology has done that for you. You now know what love is NOT. Your love is real and your capacity for love is real. In a sense, that was never the problem. Feeling love is never your problem...but being able to put a lid on your intense bonding so that you can trust what you felt about his lack of love is the problem.
Be thankful for your own humanness and your ability to bond and love other healthy people.
Your ability to connect and bond to him makes you human. You may be questioning "how could I let this happen?" or blaming yourself for "falling in love with a psychopath". Well, thank goodness that you love, thank goodness that you bond and thank goodness that you have empathy about it. You know what it means if you can't do those things so the alternative is much better. You CAN love and you CAN bond so that means you can do it again. Maybe not right now...but you CAN do it. Be thankful that with some tweaks to your filter, there is hope for love again.
Be thankful for your super traits
So, those things that psychopaths manipulate are your biggest asset. Do not get it twisted. Your super traits saved you. Your excitement-seeking, compassion, trust, loyalty, resourcefulness, helpfulness, and sentimentality, among others, played a role in getting you out. Take a minute to think about how each one of these traits helped you. In the end, did your compassion for the kids take over? Did your resourcefulness help you find the facts or did your sentimentality remind you of who you were before? They will be the thing that drives your recovery if you let them. You can strengthen them by combining the feelings of the super traits with what you know about pathology.
Be thankful you are safe and alive
Pathology is dangerous. Your pain, emotional or physical, is real. But here you are. There is nothing better than the awareness of our aliveness. Feel the power of being present - here - now. In any given moment pathology can bring a sense of danger and fear. Certainly hyper-vigilance can set in, if you allow it. But the alternative is much more powerful. Embrace the moments of safety and security. Create an environment that strengthens your sense of safety. In that space, your aliveness will grow.
Being thankful for pathology is a stretch - a stretch toward healing. It is a necessary step in recovery. You may not be there yet and that is OK. Don't rush yourself. However, take this opportunity to open the door to the idea. If you are there and can feel the thankfulness then take it in.
"I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive.
I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful." -Unknown
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Be thankful for your new filter
What the psychopath has given you is the ability to spot. That is a gift. Many people don't know what pathology looks like and, as a result, move forward in spite of the patterns of behavior that are present. Once you move toward a psychopath it's like you're a fly in a web...stuck. The ability to spot the spider and the web keeps you far, far away from danger. If you made it out, then knowing the power of pathology is a gift. You have a new filter to lay over your own perceptions and understanding of the world and this filter will ultimately keep you much safer.
Be thankful for the peek deep into who you are
We know that pathology is soul stealing. It grinds you down to the bare bones of who you are and what you believe. It is a terrifying, maniacal, devastating process. There is no doubt that going through it is likely one of the worst experiences of your life. What is left when you leave is your foundation. There might even be a few cracks there. But no doubt you are seeing things about yourself that you didn't know existed or that you had forgotten about. As you look back on the moments of manipulation, you undoubtedly see what was done to your values, your worth, and your beliefs. But through this careful evaluation you can reaffirm where you stand and what you stand on.
Be thankful for understanding love in a whole new way
Love is not fantasy. Love is not a task. Love is not excitement (it's pretty boring). Love is not adrenaline or fear covered by excitement. Love is steady, unconditional, joyous and gentle. Sometimes we learn lessons by not getting what we need and pathology has done that for you. You now know what love is NOT. Your love is real and your capacity for love is real. In a sense, that was never the problem. Feeling love is never your problem...but being able to put a lid on your intense bonding so that you can trust what you felt about his lack of love is the problem.
Be thankful for your own humanness and your ability to bond and love other healthy people.
Your ability to connect and bond to him makes you human. You may be questioning "how could I let this happen?" or blaming yourself for "falling in love with a psychopath". Well, thank goodness that you love, thank goodness that you bond and thank goodness that you have empathy about it. You know what it means if you can't do those things so the alternative is much better. You CAN love and you CAN bond so that means you can do it again. Maybe not right now...but you CAN do it. Be thankful that with some tweaks to your filter, there is hope for love again.
Be thankful for your super traits
So, those things that psychopaths manipulate are your biggest asset. Do not get it twisted. Your super traits saved you. Your excitement-seeking, compassion, trust, loyalty, resourcefulness, helpfulness, and sentimentality, among others, played a role in getting you out. Take a minute to think about how each one of these traits helped you. In the end, did your compassion for the kids take over? Did your resourcefulness help you find the facts or did your sentimentality remind you of who you were before? They will be the thing that drives your recovery if you let them. You can strengthen them by combining the feelings of the super traits with what you know about pathology.
Be thankful you are safe and alive
Pathology is dangerous. Your pain, emotional or physical, is real. But here you are. There is nothing better than the awareness of our aliveness. Feel the power of being present - here - now. In any given moment pathology can bring a sense of danger and fear. Certainly hyper-vigilance can set in, if you allow it. But the alternative is much more powerful. Embrace the moments of safety and security. Create an environment that strengthens your sense of safety. In that space, your aliveness will grow.
Being thankful for pathology is a stretch - a stretch toward healing. It is a necessary step in recovery. You may not be there yet and that is OK. Don't rush yourself. However, take this opportunity to open the door to the idea. If you are there and can feel the thankfulness then take it in.
"I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive.
I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful." -Unknown
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Thanks and hope you are well! xx
I guess I am really thankful in a way, come to think of it. For all my life, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that my father couldn't love me. Then I realized my husband was the same and now I know that it wasn't me at all! A lot of the mysteries of my life have since been clarified for me. That is really a gift, if you think about it. I just wish I could have figured it out before I married.
BTW, love the quote at the end.
Here is the link. I get something every week or so.
I am thankful that I an working on ME. I am thankful that God has placed his arms around me and has assured me that all is WELL in my life... the BEST IS YET TO COME :0)
All the rest of it is just wonderful. The way it is written is very healing.
I know that the emotional abuse is not and has never been my fault. I know there is nothing I can do to stop except be completely removed from the abuser.
I feel like it is my fault despite knowing otherwise. I've been told it is my fault by him and it is heavily implied by his actions and indirect words as well. A friend of mine told me this week that I add to it. It's hard to fight that. I have to remind myself of what I know to be true.
Ever go through this? Someone seems to be disinterested in what I'm saying. Before emotional abuse this would just be a signal to change the topic or something. Now? Internally I shrink. I think of all the times he pretended to listen, and many other things that heavily imply that I'm not worth listening to. Then a small voice inside says, "maybe he's right." Then I'm sitting facing this person while trying to console myself, saying it isn't true, that not everyone is going to want to hear everything I have to say. This doesn't mean the person dislikes me. It could be anything. Maybe they're distracted by a personal problem, maybe they're thinking what to say. Etc, etc.
The essay above really helps with all that. It helps so much to have someone outside myself giving the reassurances. It makes me breathe easier. I hurt less.
I have found something good through all of this. I've always valued small kindnesses, but now I value them even more. I have a greater appreciation for friends. Kind gestures mean even more. It's pretty tough to take the little things for granted after emotional abuse.