Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I notice lately I am feeling a lot of anger towards my ex. Probably because I let him have contact for a while but I am so angry because he admitted one time after no contact for 2 months (and he waited around the corner for me on my way to work) but he admitted he was wrong to leave me right before the holidays and spend it with his ex wife and grown ass kids he thinks to see them he has to include her? Ok I never was ok with that especially because he had left me and moved in with her before more than once. So after the one time he said he was wrong and sorry he denied saying it at all and thinks there is nothing wrong with what he did. Then he was saying that I just trip when I shouldn't because he isn't haveing sex with her. I tried to tell him how it doesn't matter if he has sex or not he is not being there for me at important times because he leaves me so he can go play family for the holidays. Then he wouldn't admit he did that he says just because he was there and she was there doesn't mean he spent it with her. I'm like what the hell??? I would like outside input on who would be ok with your ex or current to leave you and go spend the holidays with his ex wife and kids and then after the holidays say he loves you nad misses you and wants us to be a family. I just see LIAR and can't get over my anger at his denial and the fact that it was very hurtful to me and my son. While they had food and gifts we played catch up on the high bills from him being here iwth his kids we had no holiday but we did spend it my son and I and we also went to church on all 3 holidays. But they were all getting clothes, new cell phones, etc... we got a food basket from my work because we were so hard up and it was just the two of us because he left and he did this to us 6 out of 7 years during the holidays. He had only spent one with us where he did'n't leave me and spend it with the ex wife. They all have this thing and even his kids in my face say I need to leave their family alone (because i was at his house when they came over) tso if they came to his house i was supposed to leave. He never stuck up for me or cared how they all were hurtful and rude. I always ended up leaving and then when I complained to him about the treatment and say he should have done something he would get mad at me and leave me then too!! He always stuck up for his ex wife and grown kids. Would anyone in here let a man do this to them so many times? I dont know why I did but I have been thining about that and other things that had happened to me and my son that were very abusive and hurtful and I feel very angry. I am trying to sort out my anger and move in but I can't get it sorted. Its hard when they deny what they do I think. Maybe some outside opinion or validation will help me sort through this anger. WE are in no conact now but I have been thinking of all the stuff and even feel angry he wont quit trying to contact me over and over again. I feel like he just wants to keep hurting me. I cant never trust him or feel any loyalty from her towards me again. I know its over and I know I should move on and not think about it but I have a lot of anger still and I dont know how to work through it and feel better. My groups and therapy is taking too long to help me. I have one more week of prep and maybe two until I have appts for real help. It is hard to make it that far. I feel like breaking down at times.
I know exactly how you feel... My ex never spent a holiday with me, but would often make the 'effort' to plan something when he knew I had to be with my family. This past Christmas he asked if we could spend a week with me at our family's vacation home in California... He went through the whole process of planning it, then was pissed when I told him my family would be there! And he knew they would be!!! He was pissed and angry with me! I told him he was welcome to come, but he didn't want to be with my family.
Each and every holiday, he spent with his daughter. I was only ever invited over when I had other plans. I realize now that it was a test to see how 'important' he was to me. He wanted me to blow everyone and everything else in my life to be with him- ON HIS TERMS!!!
He never went out of his way to be with me... Even when it would have meant the world to me! I get so angry that he never put me first, that he treated me so terribly and that I LET HIM!!! It is that self-anger that I have the hardest time letting go of... However, I seriously hate him for everything he has done. In my world, you just don't treat anyone like that!!!
I switch between anger and sadness at the drop of a hat. Literally, one moment I am crying, the next I am screaming at him (at home, alone, just to get it out)! I feel like I am going crazy!!
I have been seeing a psychiatrist/therapist who specializes in narcissism. I flat out asked him this week if I was crazy, mentally unstable or suffering from a personality disorder. He said no... Apparently, feeling like this is completely normal, and even more importantly, to not feel moments of rage, injustice, grief and relief would be abnormal. Even feeling crazy/ like you are losing your mind is normal.
These men twisted our reality, slowly devaluing us and undermining our confidence in our own feelings. They invalidated who we were!! Of course we are going to be mad!!!
Everything you are feeling is common and completely normal.
Hang in there, Rad!
So when I finally had enough guess who got back together? Yup. They did. She wanted his money which is what I said all along. Guess who called me when she dumped him. Yup. He did. Crazy.
I am past hate for him. I actually am glad I didn't spend my life this way. I moved on to a better man hahaha kidding of course. In think that's what the Attraction was to my h. His first wife was deceased and he gave me all his attention. Until it turned to abuse.
and all the other
feelings around
having been abused
are processed, it's
unlikely that you will
"move on and
not think about it."
And Hon. . . . there
are no "shoulds."
Recovery is individual.
The only thing you
ever "should" do is
do whatever you need
to do, to practice
SELF-CARE.
Feel what you feel.
You're ENTITLED.
U asked the question who lets a man do that to them, Hun me, for 14 years and every night he went home to his family, the odd night we would spend it together but he always went home, he went on holidays with them, spent Christmas with them, and this went on for 14 years!
Am I a fool ? Well I watched a vid the other day on here and in it was a message that struck a chord.... And I bet this is the case for u and everyone on here, I know it was for me, it said....
"I believes that I was a very strong woman with a troubles man and I was doing what ever it was I needed to do to help him because I believes that's what u do for your soulmate !"
We r not fools, we are just really nice and decent people and unfortunately there r people out there no matter how much they get to know u, they just don't ever see u as equal and they don't hold empathy for you!
The angry feel awful I know I've been there, it's like your so angry u could scream and cry and shout!
Don't deny this anger, although it hurts, let go if trying to suppress it and let it flow through u and channel it into something that is going to be a good outlet.
In fact just keep posting on here and ranting, it will help and u know u will always get support!
He was a typical abuser Hun, he knew it hurt u and that's why he did it, he chose to hurt u!
He's just a bloody bastard Hun, and you are healing as this is part of the process!
He spent 6 out of 7 holidays without you even though he knew it hurt you. He purposely hurt you. And then says he didn't really spend it with his ex because they didn't have sex?
He is wasting words.
NC is good for you. Keep it up. I'm gonna read your other post now.
Hugs,
Seawee
vent all you need..i for one, am here for you and will be as long as i am here. it is hard not to think of the horrible things that they have done...and anger is a good feeling i believe..how to get to forgiveness, i don't know. but in time, i believe like everything else, it may seel like a distant memory..and i'm talking decades here.
Maybe one option is to write all this stuff in a letter to him. Everything you can think of that hurt you, all the things you wish you could have got through to him. Don't send it though, either just keep it, post it here or in your journal, or destroy it, whatever works for you. But maybe in writing it all out, addressed to him, it may help you to process it.
Feel the colors and let them represent your emotions. Do whatever you feel "guided"to do. It can become instinctual. Oh-and no judging when you are done-no negative self talk, k? It's simply a creation.
I think art is a fantastic form of therapy.
Let me know if you decide to try it and how it turns out.
Seawee