Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Yesterday I had choir practice after school. I came home and found a list of instructions for supper since I knew my parents would be gone that night because they went on a date to the movies. Anyways, I was given the job to cook a ham. I saw a roast out that was thawing in a bowl and I thought that that was what mom wanted cooked. She had everything else for supper out on the counter. So I went and cooked the roast. It wasn't cooking like it was supposed to since it was roast not ham. I finally gave up and my brother tried to work on it. He cut it up into 4 pieces then left it on stone. My parents got home and I said now you guys can work on the meat. My parents gave us (me and siblings) a look of shock. They told us that was a roast we were cooking not a ham. Mom got mad and (in an agitated tone) started griping at us saying things about how she can't ever leave us alone and go do something fun. Also thought she was VERY specific in her instructions for supper. Mom left and went down into her garden and spent at least 10 min (maybe longer) working. Dad told us (in an agitated tone) that he wanted us to stop making mom mad. He then grounded all of us for messing up supper and making mom mad. I feel terrible about that. Thoughts?
The roast was out, and it was the only meat there. I think every one of us here would have done what you did. You did not do anything wrong, nor did your siblings. You do not deserve punishment.
Huge (((HUGS))) xxx
NONE of this situation was your fault. xxx
Since your mom apologized, ask her if she might ask your dad to remove the grounding, as it was just a misunderstanding.
In Communications class in college one learns to avoid the word "You". It is supposed to be more effective and helps to avoid dispute by starting sentences with "I feel" "You" can be accusatory and put the other person on the defensive.
If you ask your mom nicely to intervene then the punishment may be removed. My mom did it all the time. My dad would ground us a month if we looked at him the wrong way. When he would say that we were grounded for a month. We would say,"But dad!" He would say, "Another month and if you don't want another then get out of my sight."
This is a time for you to show maturity and stand up for your siblings, also. Stay calm and be respectful. Disrespect and rudeness is one thing that irks me about my kids.
Rehearse things you want to say in your mind. It will be easier to be focused. If your mom does not want to remove the grounding, try with your dad. Don't get baited into a fight with either of them. Pick a good time. If they seem stressed then wait for a better time.
And, yes things escalated to unreasonable proportions. That is what happens in a dysfunctional family. I call it the three ring circus.
Once again you are not wrong in believing things got out of hand over an honest mistake or misunderstanding. Please stop doubting yourself.
Whether a roast was on
the counter instead of the
specified ham ---- was
purposeful or inadvertant -----
(and, yes. . . . I think pretty
much any of us would have
presumed the roast was the
intended dinner. . . . ) ------
your parents' (BOTH parents),
your parents' responses were
not merely "over the top," their
responses were ABUSIVE.
A reasonable response would
have been to laugh and say. . . .
"Wow. What a colossal
misunderstanding!"
The APPROPRIATE response
would have been to say. . . . .
"You know what? I made
a mistake and put the
wrong meat out with
the other dinner ingredients.
Let's eat!"
Your father siding with your
mother is likely because he's
scared of her abuse being
directed at HIM. So, to ensure
that that doesn't happen, he
steps up and does her dirty
work FOR her. . . . to DEMONSTRATE
to her that he's her deputy and
not another target for her abuse.
(It's his SURVIVAL strategy.
Doing this makes it SAFER
for him and less unpleasant.)
As for YOUR being grounded. . . . .
you're only grounded
as long as you continue
to reside under your
parents' roof. As an
adult now, you are
free to leave their
circle of abuse
WHENEVER
YOU WANT.
(I'm not suggesting
that you race out into
the world, and locate
yourself in an even
worse situation than
the one you're in now.
But, you're no longer
a child, at this point.
They can't ground
you, unless you're
living in their house.
Technically, they can't
ground you even IF
you're living in their house.)
Sweetie ----- you've
grown up in an atmosphere
of AWFUL ABUSE.
Your life will only begin
to get better than this
when you take a
deep breath,
and talk to a
QUALIFIED
counselor
who can support
your efforts to
begin to heal.
And please note
that when you shared
with us that you were
considering talking
with the YM, many
of us here advised
you that that person ---
however well-intended,
was probably NOT the
best person to choose
to open up to, as your
initial step. We said
this NOT because we
felt the YM was a bad
person in any way, but
because the YM was
probably not a person
who was qualified to
be the first person to
open up to, as your
initial step.
The long and
the short of it
is that your life
(and that of your
siblings), will
either stay the
same or get
worse
until something
fundamental
in your parents' world
changes.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
Please take good care.
I talked to mom. I think she will see if dad will take away grounding. He took us to movies last night. He was in a better mood
I wrote, "For now,"
because
while you seem so
relieved that your
father's mood was
better. . . . . . . .based
on what we already know,
his mood will change
precipitously
(that means,
on a whim).
I hope you will reread
and consider many
responses on this
and other threads
relevant to your
circumstances.
Please take good care.