Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi- I have a question for people who have been physically abused in their relationships. When did it first happen? And how frequently? Did it happen just once?
I hit my husband last night. We had the worst fight we have ever had. He called me a bitch for the first time and told me I was just a messed up ball of trauma because of my abusive father and that I would never be ok. I lost it. I told him to leave. He wouldn’t go. I hit him and threatened to throw a lamp at him. I crossed a line I never thought I would.
He wants me to get help and to make things work (his idea). But after last night, I don’t know what the ethical thing to do is. Obviously I sshould never have hit him. And now that’s it’s done, you aren’t suppose to be with people who hit you. I don’t deserve him. If I get help and try to make it work, what if it happens again?
I know that the standard advice to abused women is to leave with the first hit, but most don't, and virtually no men get help with the first hit. So I don't know if anyone really knows just how much pain and suffering might be spared if people did.
No matter where your life goes from here, getting help to change the path...wouldn't be a bad thing.
((( Put another way, virually ALL kids hit, and not all grow up to hit as adult. Clearly it's possible to learn to make better choices when you're angry. )))
in my personal experience, i didn't walk away from my abuser because i thought that the abuse is something i deserved. on his end, he seemed shocked at what he had done and did the whole apology thing and saying it would NEVER happen again. happened again.
so, i think it depends on the circumstances. 1) i'm guessing your husband doesn't have the same mindset that i had (does he think he deserves to be hit?). 2) he stated what he wants from you -- a) he wants to make things work; b) he wants you to get help. 3) you said you don't deserve him.
as patti22 said, take things one day at a time.
what counts is knowing your husband wants things to work out for the both of you, together. putting the thought of being undeserving aside, do YOU want things to work between the two of you? if you don't want him, then you need to be clear and honest. if you do want him, then show him by making an effort to do the work.
you said this happened last night, so now is the time to put in the work and start looking for some help.
also, i'm not sure what the argument was about, but if you feel that the topic could produce another physical encounter, maybe look for couple's therapy so that you both can talk openly with a middle-person present...?
keep your head up.
He doesn’t think he deserves it. I do want to be married to him. I want to be with him. We have been together for 7 years already. I dont think we could ever have predicted this.
The topic of the argument might have contributed to things spiraling out of control. Maybe it does need to be addressed in a safe space. Thank-you for pointing that out.
One day at a time.
i just don't want you to feel like it's all on you. and i truly hope that he doesn't believe that either. (in my opinion, he should realize this and apologize for it).
i'm glad that you guys are both seeking help.
keep your head up.