Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi. I don't even know how to say this. I hope I can still talk with you all after telling you this. Sorry for the length.
Wednesday was our mediation to finalize the paperwork for our divorce.
A little back history from the last couple of weeks.
My husband over the last couple of weeks has accepted the divorce and was moving forward with his life, looking for a place to live, etc. He completely left me alone. I started seeing a different person as he was living his life without me. I went out of town for mothers day and on Sunday I was sitting by the pool watching my kids play in the pool and all of a sudden got this overwhelming saddness and tears filled my eyes. My mom looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't know why I felt this overwhelming pull towards my husband. I couldn't explain it. She asked me, "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" I left for home Sunday night and I realized for the first time I really really whole heartedly missed him. I called him and we had the most amazing conversation. It was even better then when things were really good.
Monday I went to work and had to leave because I had an uncontrollable reaction of crying and depression. I was at home just crying uncontrollably and wondering what is going on. Why do I feel this uncontrollable pull towards my husband. I started thinking of life without him and not only couldn't but didn't want to. I called him crying, he asked if I was ok and I told him I didn't know. He told me he would rush home.
He came home immediately, held me, completely emotionless and asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn't know. I told him I didn't know why I had the feelings I did. He looked at me with complete sincereity in his face and eyes and said he will be here to support me and it doesn't matter if it is 2 or 3 am all I need to do is call. He told me that he has accepted my decision and is moving on with his life but that I am still important to him and he wants to be here to support me with anything I need.
I broke, I completely just broke. I told him I couldn't promise him anything but I was not so sure I wanted to live life without him.
To complicate things even further. I have been in another relationship for the last couple of months, we talked about the future, marriage, kids, etc. (I know, not the best thing but I was swept up in the feeling of being treated good). I started noticing over the last couple of weeks that the new guy was starting to show signs of manipulation, when I could not be with him I would get the sense of guilt, very subtle. He would tell me he could not live without me, that he literally would die if I left him because I was all he has. He told me that when we are living together he didn't want any friends, he only wanted me. This was a red flag to me. I hated the thought of hurting him and breaking it off but I just couldn't bare the thought of getting into the same if not worse situation. He is a genuinly sweet amazing person, who treated me like I was number one, his only priority, like the most perfect being on this planet. He loved me for who I am on the inside, etc. I feel immense guilt over knowing I hurt him but as my therapist said I need to restrict my energies to what is most important instead of trying to spread them everywhere.
I agreed that I would give it one last shot and go to marriage counseling. I put everything on the table and told him I WILL NOT accept any further abuse, I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING TREATED THE WAY HE TREATED ME IN THE PAST EVER AGAIN! I told him this is the last DO OVER! He acknowledged what I said and told me he wants to go to marriage counseling, he wants to change and said he will do whatever necessary to repair this relationship and build me back up. He finally took ownership of the abuse.
We have attended our first marriage counseling session (he never previously wanted to do this until now). It went well considering. The therapist told my husband that I am so low right now that he has to do most of the leg work to start building me back up before we can effectively work on the marriage. That is the first step that we are taking.
Please don't hate me. I am so worried, scared, nervous, second guessing myself, etc. I am terrified I have made the wrong decision. I am so sad that I have hurt such a sweet man (the one I broke off the relationship with), he is 14 years younger then me and lives in another country so the thought of it not working out would kill me because of the sacrafices he would have made to be with me.
I am struggling on so many fronts. Please if you can give me any support or advise to help me through this I would be so appreciative. Again, I hope that you don't hate me =(
Wednesday was our mediation to finalize the paperwork for our divorce.
A little back history from the last couple of weeks.
My husband over the last couple of weeks has accepted the divorce and was moving forward with his life, looking for a place to live, etc. He completely left me alone. I started seeing a different person as he was living his life without me. I went out of town for mothers day and on Sunday I was sitting by the pool watching my kids play in the pool and all of a sudden got this overwhelming saddness and tears filled my eyes. My mom looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't know why I felt this overwhelming pull towards my husband. I couldn't explain it. She asked me, "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" I left for home Sunday night and I realized for the first time I really really whole heartedly missed him. I called him and we had the most amazing conversation. It was even better then when things were really good.
Monday I went to work and had to leave because I had an uncontrollable reaction of crying and depression. I was at home just crying uncontrollably and wondering what is going on. Why do I feel this uncontrollable pull towards my husband. I started thinking of life without him and not only couldn't but didn't want to. I called him crying, he asked if I was ok and I told him I didn't know. He told me he would rush home.
He came home immediately, held me, completely emotionless and asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn't know. I told him I didn't know why I had the feelings I did. He looked at me with complete sincereity in his face and eyes and said he will be here to support me and it doesn't matter if it is 2 or 3 am all I need to do is call. He told me that he has accepted my decision and is moving on with his life but that I am still important to him and he wants to be here to support me with anything I need.
I broke, I completely just broke. I told him I couldn't promise him anything but I was not so sure I wanted to live life without him.
To complicate things even further. I have been in another relationship for the last couple of months, we talked about the future, marriage, kids, etc. (I know, not the best thing but I was swept up in the feeling of being treated good). I started noticing over the last couple of weeks that the new guy was starting to show signs of manipulation, when I could not be with him I would get the sense of guilt, very subtle. He would tell me he could not live without me, that he literally would die if I left him because I was all he has. He told me that when we are living together he didn't want any friends, he only wanted me. This was a red flag to me. I hated the thought of hurting him and breaking it off but I just couldn't bare the thought of getting into the same if not worse situation. He is a genuinly sweet amazing person, who treated me like I was number one, his only priority, like the most perfect being on this planet. He loved me for who I am on the inside, etc. I feel immense guilt over knowing I hurt him but as my therapist said I need to restrict my energies to what is most important instead of trying to spread them everywhere.
I agreed that I would give it one last shot and go to marriage counseling. I put everything on the table and told him I WILL NOT accept any further abuse, I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING TREATED THE WAY HE TREATED ME IN THE PAST EVER AGAIN! I told him this is the last DO OVER! He acknowledged what I said and told me he wants to go to marriage counseling, he wants to change and said he will do whatever necessary to repair this relationship and build me back up. He finally took ownership of the abuse.
We have attended our first marriage counseling session (he never previously wanted to do this until now). It went well considering. The therapist told my husband that I am so low right now that he has to do most of the leg work to start building me back up before we can effectively work on the marriage. That is the first step that we are taking.
Please don't hate me. I am so worried, scared, nervous, second guessing myself, etc. I am terrified I have made the wrong decision. I am so sad that I have hurt such a sweet man (the one I broke off the relationship with), he is 14 years younger then me and lives in another country so the thought of it not working out would kill me because of the sacrafices he would have made to be with me.
I am struggling on so many fronts. Please if you can give me any support or advise to help me through this I would be so appreciative. Again, I hope that you don't hate me =(
So you caved, ok then the first step is to take it from the beginning. Before the holiday and before the divorce you yourself never ever wanted this. I can assure you that u are NOT alone in that feeling.
It's so hard because we are practically FORCED to do this.
They leave us with no choice because we can't make them be who we want them to be and we don't want to continue living with abuse so we are forced to walk away! We are forced to let go of he dream.
That's why u have felt unsure. Hey I also felt unsure of letting go of that dream. The dream that the man I loves with every cell of my being would come back to me and things would be good (I mean emotionally comeback to me)
And on holiday you had a taste if the reality that that man wasn't a part of your reality.
I would love to say that your getting that man back I really would but (and bare in mind this is my opinion not judgement) I think given the knowledge and experience of my own and of others on here, the likely hood that this man is the man you loved isn't much.
Now all I can say is that actions speak louder than words! When he said all those things to u about supporting you, that was words, and yes his actions are now that he's trying to prove something by actively going to marriage counselling!
But only for your own sake I want you to Bare in mind that your next step is to base the way u see him on his actions and NOT his words.
This is a test, you have every right to test him. To see whether or not he meets his actions to his promise of being there for you, supporting you and really actually changing!
Be very wary that regarding the percentage of cases, abusive relationships often go down this route and end up being abusive still. That's all I want u to keep in mind because for your own safety you need to keep your wits about you!
I will ask u to think about how often in the past has he (forget about the abuse counselling) actually said "I will change" or "I've changed" ???
The only reason I ask is that looking back on my own experience I can now see (I've only realised this today) that my ex would often go through periods of claiming to change!
In fact he would sometimes out of the blue announce he has changed without me asking him to. What would happen is that he would change for a bit, even be nice for well over a year and then he would slowly start to be abusive!
Say in that year of him being nicer he would be abusive in more subtle ways but nothing major major be in honesty looking back they would add up and it was just as bad if not worse because I'd be in a false sense of security with him.
My ex phones me last night and all day I've been thinking old familiar thoughts "have I done the right thing? What if he's changed?"
But then also I've remembered that nothing actually HAS changed. He's just doing what he has always done and he's going through the motions that have always worked in trying to attain my trust so he could have control over me.
Even the change he would make out of the blue in the past was him just going through the motions, through the patterns, through the years, through the sessions of the cycle of abuse.
If you want to see you'll have to look sweetheart, you'll have to step back and really open your eyes and look. Your talking long term, massive significant changes.
Another thing that I am so so worried about for you is the whole term of your husband building you back up. A massive massive warning alarm went off (I don't care if it also came from your counseller as well as him) but I know from my own experience that if someone abusive is the one to lift u back up when I are down and depressed then they are in complete control of your emotional well being and mind and often abusers (not all but some) will actually go through the whole dance of playing with your self essteme.
They lift u up and drop u back down again, only so they can lift u up (or build u up) to drop you back down again, welcome to the puppet master roller coaster!
You know that Man U fell in love with, well what was he like? The reason I ask is because my ex was my rock, my best friend. He would tell me how lovely I was, how amazing I was. How he'd never felt this way about anyone else. Now I'm guessing your husband was the same at the beginning. I'm guessing you we're made to feel special at first, that's how u fell in love!
My ex said to me last night "your such a nice person, I've never had what u had with you with anyone else. I can't talk to anyone like I can with you, you make so much sense!"
And I knew that he was again, going through the motions of trying to pick me back up, to hold my esteem high so then he had control over it.
Just do me a favour, if u want to carry on with this then by all means do, but take this to your individual counseller. Work on a plan on how to attain your self esteem for yourself so u don't need your husband to pick u up.
To me your vulnerable and because you don't know how to do it for yourself (have self confidence and esteem) your feeling that pull towards your husband because he's alway conditioned you to believ that he's the rock, he's the one in control, even his handling of the divorce he presented a man who was calm and together and in control.
I have a feeling that You've gravitated towards him, because your feeling lost and in need of familiarity, in need of someone to make things all better again. What would be great to see is if you could learn to do that for yourself without the need to lean upon another (he's conditioned u to believe that he's the strong one in your relationship) then I wonder if you'd feel lost and as if u need to grab onto something as strongly as u have done?
Part of u knows you are taking a massive risk, but the part of u that is scared to go it alone because she's not learned yet how to be ok on her own (emotionally) is the one that's caved!
But that's ok, I've done it lots of times, the only thing u can do is recognise what's just happened for you (being really honest with yourself) and work on YOU!
If u out more effort into you and less into him you'll feel better!
I did talk with my therapist about it and she did tell me I am more aware now so I can spot the warning signs/red flags and I did make it very clear to him that I will not tolerate it and if it happens again that is it! If ok I will continue to post on here for strength and support to keep my head straight. I am still in a cloud over all of this but I am clear on what I won't allow to happen anymore, at least I hope. That is why I will post here for continued support and rationale opinions as well as discuss with my counselor as well.
When you went back with your ex did you both every go to counseling together? If so, how did it go? What happened? Any advice would be helpful for me to look for.
I am starting to second guess leaving the other guy but deep down I am not sure if that was right either. He has a medical condition that is not life threatening but has affected his life because of how others viewed him but I never saw it as a problem, I am guessing that is why he is so hesitant to have friends but it still scares me to think that he may come to America and things won't work out and then what?
Ugh.... So much drama.... What did I get myself into? =(
The only other thing I would like to mention----the sweet man that you broke up with, ANY man who tells you he wants no friends, only you is a abuser trying to convince you how wonderful he is. Please NEVER go back to him. The sweetness would have ended soon after you moved in with him. YOU even saw the red flag. You really need to pay attention to the red flags. They are called red flags for a reason, and this one was a giant one.
I really hope you get what you want, Confused. I wish for you the best.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
No we never went to couples counselling so I don't know fom first hand experience. All I do know though is through the research I've done on here and all the posts I've read and in a fair assessment it's not adviced and it doesn't usually stop the abuse.
From what I've have read on here by others those that are working on their marriage usual only really say "they are working on controlling their partners behaviour but its usually an on going thing"
So I am guessing you can work at it, but it's a constant effort to keep affirming those boundaries ! And I don't think most usually keep within the respect of those boundaries so to me I just think it's the same as what I did with my ex when I would say "I've had enough things need to change" and he'd go "ok I will change" he would change for a bit then change back again and not respect my boundaries.
As for the other guy, I don't think u was ready for a relationship so that's why you got with someone who wasn't right for you and brought up red flags!
And I don't think he's ready for a relationship!
A healthy relationship is when someone doesn't put on the other person! He seemed to have put a lot on your shoulders and that's unhealthy.
I guess he needs to work on himself so that one day he won't need to do that to his girlfriend!
So you've actually done the best thing for that man, you've let him go so he may learn (that's up to him now) how to be ok on his own
Have you met him in person?
I
The other guy, we hadn't met yet, he was going to come here in November but I broke it off with him just this past Wednesday. We skyped, talked on the phone, texted, etc. every day all thoughout the day and night. He made me feel on top of the world. I understood why he was so lonely and didn't want friends because of his medical condition that he is seeing a therapist to get through, but I also read warning signs and it made me hesitate. You are right that it is up to him to learn how to live on his own and not hate the world. I pray that he can see that there are people in this world who are not evil like so many in his past have been to him and it is ok to love and live.
I am so terrified but for my own piece of mind I never want to say "What if" when it comes to in the future and I look back and think maybe if I would have gone to counseling, etc.?
So again, I'm not going to hate you for giving it one last shot. It's your life, you are entitled to - and should - make your own choices. And I very much hope it works out for you.
You already know to keep your eyes open and watch his actions more than his words. Listen to your gut too. If you continue to feel confused and just "not right" then listen to and honour that too. Your gut knows better than your eyes OR your ears. On the other hand, if the confusion subsides and you do start to feel safe and good - yayy!
In relation to the other guy ... I think you are wise to end it. He does sound very controlling and there are loads of red flags all over. The desire not to have any friends, no life other than you (which would mean you can have no life other than him either); the guilt trips whenever you aren't at his beck and call; the idea that he would "literally die" without you is a MASSIVE red flag; hating the world, talking about everyone in his past being evil ... those things are enormous red flags too.
Focus your energies on your marriage, on finding out if it really can work, if he's really going to make the deep down changes (ie changes in attitude, not just in actions) that will be necessary. And at the same time, continue to focus on you - on what you want, on how you feel, on building yourself up (not just relying on him to build you up, for the reasons Kaz mentioned). Take really good care of yourself, and do continue to post here as often as you need or want.
We are here to help and support you in your decisions about your life, not to make your decisions for you or to judge you and invalidate you for your choices.