So it's been 7 months since I moved out, and 1 month since the final divorce papers were signed.

I really expected that things would be going better already. I'm usually good about "bouncing back" but this has really done me in. I hate to admit that, but it has. This is the only time I have not easily bounced back.

I'm still waiting to bounce.

I spend a lot of time trying to understand sociopaths, but I can't seem to really understand it. I try to forget it, only to remember every little detail of our marriage -- the good and the bad. When I see a scarf, I think "he used to wear scarves." I try to not think of him, but some days are better than others.

I stopped talking to him, but then he wanted my accountant to file our taxes together, so there was some texting regarding that. He was pleasant, and agreed to pay for the taxes. He seemed really happy, and said he was only depressed (after I left) for a short time due to lack of sunlight.

Me on the other hand...I started having panic attacks last october, and I still avoid the subway. I also got hit by a cab (not hurt tho!) but it made the anxiety worse, plus being lonely and money concerns, etc. I suddenly felt like I was living in a war zone, and I started fearing everything -- small rooms, elevators, no windows in a room, theatres where it was hard to leave, etc.

I don't really want to go out w/ my friends (since they aren't really the most kind people, and I get tired of them being selfish), and I've dated quite a bit, but not found anyone close to good.

I'm always exhausted and unfocused, and lonely, which makes it tough to work on my business (which isn't doing all that great). So of course, money is a constant concern.

I went out 3 times w/ someone who seemed like a good guy, but I'm now pretty sure he has asperger's. So I started googling that. And now I feel I'll never meet an emotionally healthy guy, EVER. sigh.

I'm tempted to just date him anyway, despite him never being able to understand me emotionally (he said he wasn't good at empathy and was kind of selfish), because at least he doesn't seem emotionally abusive, like my ex. But that's prob selling myself short. Or maybe there just aren't any good ones left.

I've dated a lot for the last 10 years. I thought I'd found my soulmate (my ex was the only man I ever wanted to marry). Now I feel I'm starting all over. Like 10 years of going on all of those first dates was just wasted time.

Sorry this is so long and depressing.

I started trying to jog a bit, and read books about panic attacks, and I tried going to a therapist but he was changing every conversation to ask me about sex, even asking what types of sexy clothes my ex asked me to wear -- he wanted way too many details about these topics! So I stopped going to him. I've been working on this inner child stuff too, and trying hard to listen to my feelings (write about them).

I tried a hot yoga class, but had a very bad panic attack while locked in that room for 1.5 hours.

My life just doesn't seem to be improving.

I just feel like giving up, and like everyone I see on the street looks so normal and happy, with their families and children and in-laws and smiles. I'm just so tired of waiting. Will that happiness ever come?

This asperger's guy said that when someone always has bad relationships, "what is the common denominator" (which made me feel like I am the problem) -- he wasn't talking about me, but just in general. He doesn't know I've had bad relationships, and I didn't want to mention it (since he said he has no empathy).