Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I had a conversation with my husband and I was trying to just be cool and tell him that I wanted a divorce and that I want to be civil and that I dont want to hurt him or see him struggle in life. Why do I feel like, after being abused, that I still need to take care of this \"grown man\" as he is my child. Why is it so hard for me to let this \"man\" go without knowing that he is ok? It is hard for me just to break it off and say enough is enough. I did tell him that I had to end this unhealthy relationship and he is crying and saying that \"we were meant to be together.\" He is not making it easy for this to end civil and it is so miserable doing this! I know I need to just end it and be done and take the steps that I need to take to end this. why is it so hard to see him cry when he has beat me down on more that one occasion? Why do I feel like I dont want to just leave him hanging and on his own? Why do I still have such a heart and feeling of caring for him? I am telling him things that he does not want to hear and he is all emotional and saying \"I dont want a divorce, I can not live without you, I am scared. I dont want to loose my daughter.\" I told him that I want to have peace and I want to stop this fighting and immature bullcrap. I am exhausted with this! I told him that this relationship is unhealthy and that I want to be free and out of this and to grow as God wanted me to grow. I told him that I will still help him if he needs anything. He is just continuing to make me feel sorry for him and he is so much more immature than me that I guess it is easier for him to hurt me than it is for me to hurt him. It sucks! I CAN see something better beyond this relationship without him~ it is him who is unable to and he is trying to make me feel bad for wanting a divorce. I know it is the abusers tactics and all, but why does it still feel like I dont want to see him hurt, like he is my child?
And yes, abusers do this all the time - they will say or do ANYTHING to get you to stay or come back. They make it REALLY REALLY hard to leave. They will cry, threaten suicide, tell you anything and everything they think you might want to hear, and even resort to threatening or scaring you.
The only way I was able to leave my abuser was by 1) screaming at myself in my head constantly "I HAVE to leave! I HAVE to leave!" and 2) telling him whatever I thought he wanted to hear that would make him let me go.
It was REALLY hard! I felt HORRIBLE about all of it, because on the one hand, I was scared senseless for my own safety because of him, extremely angry that he could treat me that way, desperate to get out and find a better way of life, and tortured by his pleas and threats to try to get me to stay.
The only way I was able to make it was that I had to completely focus only on the fact that ALL I wanted was to get out of there safely. That was my ENTIRE focus. If you think about anything else while you are trying to leave, it will make it extremely difficult when he tries to get to you stay.
I think one of the MAJOR things that saved me was support and accountability from my loved ones. Once I started expressing to them that I thought he might be abusive, that I wanted to get out, and that I was going to leave, I felt I could NOT turn back.
I was so afraid that if I did not follow through, that my loved ones who were very concerned about me for a very long time, would no longer be emotionally able to maintain a relationship with me. The fear of becoming absolutely isolated (I had already been pretty isolated) helped push me to actually leave when the time came.
I hope it just helps you to know your feelings are totally normal, because a big part of the abusive relationship is that they treat us like a child while expecting us to be their mother. It is unhealthy, but both sides are often very scared of letting go, and it can be very painful to try to separate even though the relationship itself is extrememly painful.
It all seems so weird, but it's the common experience of so many of us on this forum. The mixed emotions are part of the abusive reltionship.
Also, it helps when you realize that you simply cannot trust this man. That is what brought me to the actual point of deciding to leave. I realized that it was getting harder and harder for me to have any positive feelings for him because of the way he treated me, and I came to see that we were trapped in the abuse cycle, and it was pretty much a certainty that he would keep abusing me, so I would never be able to trust him.
This realization broke my heart, but at the same time, I knew there would be no way to "fix" the relationship. I would have a broken heart whether I left or not. But if I stayed, I risked more of my psychological and physical safety as well.
It has been months since I left, and I still have to process this stuff sometimes, but at least I feel much safer and my feelings of crisis are from the past, not the present, and they are much fewer that when I was in the relationship.
This is my 3rd time leaving him, and for many people, it can take closer to 7 times!!! But each time the victim goes back, the abuse gets worse!!!
I'm just telling you this so you know that these powerful feelings you are experiencing are common, but that they are not the truth - the truth is these people are abusers who are dangerous to our mental and physical health, and it's our responsibility to get away and take care of ourselves since we are the only ones who can do that.
Hugs to you and hang in there. We know how hard it is, and are here for you.
I hope you have moved out.
I planned my escape almost a year in advance. Closed joint credit cards. Had my own bank account. When he went away for a weekend, I had a cheesy place rented and got myself and the kids out of there. It wasn't much, but we were out.
When he wanted to talk, I told him I had done my best, but I couldn't do it any more. I told him firmly that it was over. No further discussion. If you let them engage you in a discussion they will just try to rip your heart out. They know you have loved them, that they had a hold on you for years...they want that control back. Don't even give him the chance. If he keeps calling, ask him to please speak to your attorney if he has any further questions...and don't take any more calls. Child visitation will get worked out later. Tell him he will have the chance to see his daughter for the rest of her life, but appropriate arrangements will be made first. And end the discussion.
You gotta be tough on this. His objective is to keep you there for his use, not because he cares about building a true relationship.
He's a big boy. He can take care of himself if you stop enabling him. Trust me. If not, it's on his head. You are NOT responsible for the well-being of a grown man who has abused every chance he had to make a life with you!