You are NOT stupid! Don't ever say that about yourself.

If you are ready to make the move, start planning. You don't give much about your background and forgive me if I have missed other posts of yours, so I don't know where you stand. Start researching what you will need to survive with your kids on your own, look into divorce lawyers, etc. It may take a while to leave but work out the details before you go. It took me two years to get out, but the planning and thought I put into it made it easier for me.

I left a little over a year ago and started over with my boys and although it hasn't been easy it HAS BEEN WORTH IT!

Its great to no longer walk on eggshells and be subjected to his emotional abuse.

I was married for 15 years and we had been together for 19. I was afraid he wouldn't be able to get along without me! What an insane thought. Here he was abusing me and I was worried about him. Those feelings will fade with time.

Hugs to you because you will need them as you start and work through this process.

I have been with him for 19yrs and have left him once but returned which was my mistake I belived he would change as he pomised. I have had 2 PFA's on him and sent him to jail for putting his hands on me . I truely understand what you went thru I feel the same way I dont think he would be able to live with out me because even if he wont admit it he needs me as much as I need him .

I want to move on so dearly but I cant seem to get my foot out the door to begin a new journey. I really dont know what is stopping me . I feel as if Im not giving my self a chance or my kids. I do know what I need to do and have my family that would stand by me . I belive they will throw a party for me if I would ever go thru with my word . I just feel so wrong for staying I go home and get yelled at almost everyday . I just cant right now .

Please look at my profile it will give you a little bit more sense of what I have been going thru all this years . The words never heal not even for a moment they may hid but they always come back to haunt you ., The messed up part is at times I start beliving what he says and have to slap my self back and tell my self Im everything but what he says

You are NOT STUPID.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever connected
with your local women's center?

If you haven't, I can get you
the number to call.

If you don't want to do that,
get yourself a counselor
whose specialty is recovery
from abuse.

If you don't want to do that,
find a support group with
people who'll validate and
support you.

For the record. . . . .

you can still love him
and feel concern for him
AND
also
LEAVE him.

You'll do that when your
love for your childrens' wellbeing
and also your own
override
whatever you feel
for and about
your abuser.

That's where my first suggestions
can help.

Wishes and prayers for
all good things.

Please take good care.

You are not stupid! You are not the cause of his behavior. Don't feel stupid for giving him chances he didn't deserve, that just means you have shown mercy. You can get out! It may seem impossible now, but you will be able to make it on your own and start a new better life for you and your kids. Best of luck!

I definitely agree you are not Stupid! I am in the same exact boat, been with him for 15 years and still have not left even though i know deep in my heart it is whats right. I feel the guilt of taking my son away(even though I'm really not, he would be able to see him anytime) but he just thinks i'm ripping our family apart. And i too feel that he couldn't make it without me, what if something were to happen to him, i would feel the guilt forever(he has threatened to kill himself if i leave) but yet he feels no guilt in the way he makes me feel, so why do i even consider him? Sometimes I think we care too much about others and not enough for ourselves and our well being... I have never left him because i have repeatedly told him if i do ever leave, I will never fricken come back i can guarantee that! I believe in giving marriage every chance you can but some times, enough is enough! You will get through this and find peace, just as i hope i will someday! Stay Strong!

Omg I feel as thought Im reading my own thoughts with your replys . Thank you very much for even reading my story and not judging me . This group helps me thru so much . My kids keep me strong and are my world . I want to cry just knowing that people who dont even know me still care enough to listen and give advice and be there for people like me . You guys (girls ) are the best . .

You are not stupid. ((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

Yeah--there's nothing wrong with you. You just care--that isn't stupid, it's a good thing. But there comes a point when you do realize that you can't help him and that staying with him doesn't really help anyone.

You do deserve a better life, and to live with the kids in peace.

I think you are also right that he will never change. And I know how you feel about him having a bad day. I worry that abuser will make a mistake, because when he does he gets even more upset, and that means worse for me.

I would like to echo what all the others said! I felt pretty stupid, too, for staying so long with my ex! And I am not stupid, either, but I totally get how you feel. I think that the dynamic of living with such a person is kind of addictive in a way. It gives us something to focus on all the time. It shuts out any possibility of ever actually having a real life or ever focusing on ourselves or making any decisions whatsoever. And that was why, after I left, I felt so empty. I didn't know what to DO with myself. I was so used to having something to react to. And then, there was nothing. Except the usual demands from my kids. That took a lot of time to get used to. (Actually, I'm still not used to it, but it's starting to feel more normal, and sometimes even good. And when I think about going back to that--ugh--chills up my spine! Never again!!!)

When you are ready, you will find a way, and you will walk. You just have to be ready. Only you can decide when that will be. Be gentle with yourself.

What they all said, especially what Ilene said.

When I started with a counsellor, I had no plans to leave, I wanted to find ways to cope. In the end, I left for the sake of my son, because I didn't want my son to grow up thinking I deserved that kind of treatment, believing that was how men are supposed to treat women. And as hard as it was, I have absolutely no regrets at all about leaving. I didn't break up our family, he broke it with his abuse.

I am far from stupid, but I stayed way longer than makes any sense to anyone who doesn't understand abuse. We understand it, we understand the reasons you didn't just walk away at the first sign, why you still haven't walked away. It's not because you're stupid. But it's also not impossible to do.

Please, for the sake of your kids if not for your own sake, get some help to rebuilt your strength and self-esteem. You don't deserve this.