I have a similar relationship to my mother. I have gone "no contact" with her a couple of times, and now I'm on very limited contact. I find it agonizing. I doubt myself all the time, I think that she is an old woman and may die without achieving reconciliation and I will be left with the guilt. The bottom line is, I feel responsible for the relationship, even though I know she is limited and destructive.

I am not you, so my experience is of course a little different but I have shared a lot of your feelings.

Considering separating from family, trying to determine when enough is enough, and feeling/wishing I had better parents.

You should give everyone love, respect, and kindness until they prove they no longer deserve it. It sounds like you feel your mother has lost that right. If you choose to separate from her just try to do it in a respectful way, be graceful, don't let it add fuel to her fire.

The most important thing in my opinion is to not allow yourself to feel guilt. Drowning men and woman save no one, forgive yourself, forgive her (she has her negative qualities for the same reasons you, I or anyone else does -> experiences), and do your best to be great mother and person of this earth.

I recommend you read Childhood Disrupted to being a healing journey: https://www.amazon.com/Childhood-Disrupted-Biography-Becomes-Biology/dp/1476748357/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1466175280&sr=8-2&keywords=adverse+childhood+experiences

I wish you the best!

Donna you took the words right out of my mouth. I have this constant back and forward doubting so I understand not wanting to make a final decision. At the same time I wonder why a confident daughter who knows her worth to her own mother would worry about something like this. That speaks volumes to me. It does show maturity and how serious you take this consideration as well.

If you're mom is anything like mine I'm sure you've been told you are too sensitive and probably accused of having anger issues. I've learned that this is called gas lighting. The words she spoke to create the shameful reaction from myself wasn't enough, she has to make sure I know it's all me, I'm the crazy one.

Brock that was some great sound advice. The reason I know I'm close to no contact is the defeat in myself. I'm not angry to the point of raging, the only emotions I feel are hurt and a tad relieved. I don't want to get revenge and call her out and name call. I just really don't want to do anything for her benefit. I know for certain that she is ruining other people's image of me, she's being the martyr/victim and anyone she talks to about it is going to walk away thinking I'm such an ungrateful daughter and so on. Albeit the crazy upbringing and into my adulthood I've actually gained some great perspective about people. Their opinions of me don't concern me if they don't even care what my side of things are. I'm ok with it all. Even when it comes down to my own father. If he will choose to believe the smear she's painting of me and not care to ask me then it's his loss, I do know my worth concerning that part of life.

I wasn't originally going to reply to this, but I am as well or should say have been in a similar situation with my Mom. Brockblack gave some great advice. Most important of which is to release your guilt and understand that she is that way bc of some crap that was done to her, just as it has been done to you. It is our job to better ourselves and to become better than the generation before us, so maybe it is time to break the family cycle of abuse. I think going to a counselor is a great idea. My teacher has helped me a lot in my issues and in the guilt I have felt and feel with my Mom. I always felt responsible for her emotions and emotional well being. A little background...my Mom could be considered and adult child. She has been emotionally unstable, blaming others for her own emotions and she tried to kill herself in front of me and my Dad and my sister and brother when I was in high school. I am the youngest of the siblings. I moved states to help break the cycle as I didn't want to continue on the same path I was on. I have done a lot of work releasing guilt and having compassion for my Mom, and no that doesn't mean we are close or talk all of the time. I do keep her at a distance to some degree, but I am cordial enough with her. The most recent thing to happen was that my Mom wanted my sister to move to CO with me. I told her no at the last minute and my Mom flipped out on me (through text) calling me a selfish person who was going to live alone and lonely for the rest of my life because I am so selfish and I wasn't acting the way she thought her compassionate and loving daughter acted. She also made fun on my spiritual journey and my spiritual teacher (because I have spoken to my Mom before about how I am now putting myself first and taking care of myself first and only then take care of others - also goes along with the drowning people don't save anyone else scenario). Needless to say it really cut me deep. I got upset initially and then flipped my switch and basically ignored all of the jabs she was taking at me and only responded in a calm and direct manner to the practical things she was bringing into the situation. It threw her off, I could tell, and she stopped responding to me. She apologized a few days later, but in a very disinterested way. Do I forgive her? Yes because I know she is messed up and hasn't done the work that I have to done to better myself and work through my emotional problems. I have also had less contact with her than before and have done some spiritual work to release the guilt that I felt, caused by my Mom and caused by not letting my sister move up here. My sister has a buttload of problems herself that I didn't want to take on. I'm happy to say I'm guilt free now, and looking at my Mother in a different light.