Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been working towards getting out for so long. I didn't love this man anymore. For the longest time, getting out was all I could think about. I thought it would feel free. When I first asked, it went exactly as I'd expected. He yelled, belittled and manipulated, just as he's done before. But over the last week, he's done things I never expected. He's owned up to things I never expected him to. He's been attentive to my feelings. Yesterday, I told him I'd be moving in with my sister for a while. Instead of getting mad and trying to stop me, he was understanding and consoled me as I got upset, which he's never done before. Now, as I'm preparing to move out, I'm left wondering if this is the right decision. I've always maintained that he was a good man that never learned how to treat me. What if this was his wake-up call? What if he really is able to make those changes? Is it possible, not to disregard his behavior in the past, but to move forward from it? Does everyone go through this when they finally leave? Is it possible that I do still love him or is this just my nerves?
Change does not occur overnight and especially not when you want to leave and suddenly he is good. Now he wants you to doubt yourself and your desire to leave. He is trying to trap you again with a psychological trick. If he had that in him all along why now? It's just a manipulation.
The answer to
"Is it possible?"
(possible that
you still "love"
him)
is yes.
It's possible that
you still "love" him,
or at least the dream
of him being a mutually
loving and functional
partner.
If the question was
is it possible that
he's ---- in the time-span
of learning that his
victim is actually
leaving ------
suddenly, instantly,
NON-ABUSIVE. . . . .
the answer
is a resounding NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's totally impossible
that a partner who killed
your feelings for him
over time, with abuse
is instantaneously
a changed man.
What you described
above is standard
operating procedure
for an abuser
at risk of
losing his (or her)
victim.
It's classic.
It's textbook.
It happens over
and over and over.
All it signifies is
that he's a standard,
classic, textbook
abuser.
Keep on moving away.
If you want to see if
he's the one in
several million
abusers capable
of making the
slightest change
for the better,
tell him that
while you live
with your sister,
he should get
on-going treatment
with a clinician
who specializes
in treating abusers.
Tell him that in
eighteen months
----- possibly ------
you may consider
giving him another
chance, if the therapist
says that he's worked
to the fullest extent to
become NON-ABUSIVE.
Tell him that if his
therapist gives you
the nod, that maybe,
in eighteen months,
you'll consider the
possiblity of dating
him again. . . . maybe.
If after you tell him
these things and
he gets a qualified
therapist with whom
he continues to work. .. . . .
while remaining
NO CONTACT
with you for at least
eighteen months. . . . . . .
then maybe you have
one of the very rare
exceptions of an
abuser actually
DOING THE WORK.
Whether you still
love this abuser
isn't the bottom line
that will result in
your enjoying a
happy, functional
relationship.
You may well
still love him.
The bottom line
is whether he's
a functional partner
or not.
Doesn't sound like
that's the case here.
But if you want to
find out, then
follow my suggested
guidelines.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and strength.
He still continues to email and text me at times and when iu have to pick up my son - i will get a sly remark every so often putting all the blame on me for our divorce and messing up our childs life.
They are really good at making you feel bad for them, guilty and second guess yourself. Stay strong!!! I know how hard it is. I am finally out of the house and I am feeling so much better. It is still hard and I have days I go down low. but i come back up. I am starting to believe myself and I am taking control of my life. Its no one else's and no one else can make you happy but you!
You deserve to be happy and be who you are with no limitations.
Goodluck.
Praying for you,
kdgsupermom
I'm really sorry you are going through this but know that the self-doubt and the "maybe he has changed/will change/is changing" are very, very normal. When considering what to do, remember that he took years to drive you to the point where you feel there is no choice but to leave him. If ANY of this talk is genuine, then the very least he owes you is enough time on your own (without him hassling you or telling you when it's time to come "home" etc) for you to really be clear in your thoughts. Go stay with your sister, set some boundaries and some rules that will make YOU comfortable. If he doesn't comply then you have your answer.