Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi all,
I got out of my emotionally abusive relationship with my ex husband 6 years ago, but he has continued to stalk and harass me during that time. I was married to him for 15 years, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse. I have been in therapy of and on during that time, and I am now remarried and moved all the way on the other side of the country from my abuser.
I have went complete No Contact, blocking him everywhere. The problem is my family.
In typical abuser fashion my ex, who had never had a strong relationship with my family began making up to them right away. But for some reason it created a big rift between my family and I. And the reason I say "for some reason" is that I had always had a good relationship with my family and wouldn't have expected them to remain friendly with someone who is my abuser and continued to be abusive, harassing and stalking me for years. Of course they made all that possible in part-because they provided him with ammo to use to hurt my son and I over and over again. And no matter how many times I asked them to support me by No Contact they just started sneaking around my back about it. Of course they couldn't keep the contact secret because my ex made sure to let me know all about it-driving in that wedge, making it seem like they were on his side not mine-trying to hurt me with it. And of course it hurt.
I go over it and over it in my head-I know how manipulative abusers are, I know people don't understand the type of abuse I suffered, I know all of that but I still keep coming back to the fact I asked them specifically not to have contact and told them why and they ignored it. THAT is what bugs me, because if you don't understand I get that-but why go against my explicit wishes, unless.......well there are a lot of "unlesses" and they are all painful.
So, for self protection over the last year I have had virtually no contact with my family. I had no choice, I had to protect myself from my exes attacks as much as possible and part of that was him not being fed information about me. But recently I noticed my sister was struggling with her son's diagnosis of ODD, and since I have a child with bi-polar I wanted to offer support-it can be lonely to be the parent of a child with a mental health condition, and she was no longer friends with my ex on facebook so I thought maybe she finally respected my wishes (or just got sick of dealing with him).
So we started talking via text, and she commented on how I didn't need to go through life without my sisters, saying I should confide in her and all that (as if there's ANY trust there on my end at this point-and it shows how clueless she is) and that is when I brought up why I haven't.
The conversation was so painful, and its got me all stirred up. She was saying he had a right to info on me because I had his son, and he had rights as a father. I responded in a careful and polite way that abusers do not have the right to cause harm their victims, and that if he had beat me or sexually abused me or my son that no one would question my son and I going No Contact.
I did hurt her feelings for certain-she said she thought I was being unfair-that I was not good at communicating what happened to me (Which for GOD'S sake-I tried All THE TIME, but it's a hard thing to "get" I know so my explaining things wasn't really heard as abuse in my sister's ears) and that she only has my exes story, not mine. How was she supposed to understand?
I explained about how sometimes the emotionally abused don't even know they are being abused for years (sounds like bitterness and vindictiveness for those in denial about emotional abuse) and that going into detail can be re traumatizing, and the PTSD makes one avoid any triggers associated with the abuse. So it's not easy to talk to about. But why should I have to counter his version anyway? Why should I go into detail and make a case for her about my abuse? Why is it she doesn't trust or respect my judgment of my own experiences? Why is it not enough for me to simply say "I was abused" and be believed by the people I count on most in this world? Why is it not enough for me to just say "This hurts me, it needs to stop?" And, even if she never got it (which I would be understanding of) who does she think she is anyway to disregard my request for No Contact whether she agrees with it or not?
It's the last couple of questions I ask myself which are especially triggering for me, because it has to do with my capabilities and respecting my autonomy, and those things were terribly undermined while I was abused and I have been fighting to feel like I have faith in myself and my ability to steer my own life ever since.
I have so much hurt and anger over this it just burns inside me. And when I get triggered all the abuse fog comes back, confused, feeling incapable, anxiety symptoms-the whole wonderful ball of PTSD triggered wax.
Really-I just wanted to vent. I actually think it's a good thing for us to try and air out-and I think we are doing so in a loving and respectful manner so it's not a bad conversation-it just sucks me back down into things-which is disheartening when usually I got through my day with few PTSD symptoms anymore-and then BANG, a nice, needed conversation puts me right back in it. And this whole fiasco continues to make me see absolute red and want to go into a crying jag of sadness at the same time.
I got out of my emotionally abusive relationship with my ex husband 6 years ago, but he has continued to stalk and harass me during that time. I was married to him for 15 years, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse. I have been in therapy of and on during that time, and I am now remarried and moved all the way on the other side of the country from my abuser.
I have went complete No Contact, blocking him everywhere. The problem is my family.
In typical abuser fashion my ex, who had never had a strong relationship with my family began making up to them right away. But for some reason it created a big rift between my family and I. And the reason I say "for some reason" is that I had always had a good relationship with my family and wouldn't have expected them to remain friendly with someone who is my abuser and continued to be abusive, harassing and stalking me for years. Of course they made all that possible in part-because they provided him with ammo to use to hurt my son and I over and over again. And no matter how many times I asked them to support me by No Contact they just started sneaking around my back about it. Of course they couldn't keep the contact secret because my ex made sure to let me know all about it-driving in that wedge, making it seem like they were on his side not mine-trying to hurt me with it. And of course it hurt.
I go over it and over it in my head-I know how manipulative abusers are, I know people don't understand the type of abuse I suffered, I know all of that but I still keep coming back to the fact I asked them specifically not to have contact and told them why and they ignored it. THAT is what bugs me, because if you don't understand I get that-but why go against my explicit wishes, unless.......well there are a lot of "unlesses" and they are all painful.
So, for self protection over the last year I have had virtually no contact with my family. I had no choice, I had to protect myself from my exes attacks as much as possible and part of that was him not being fed information about me. But recently I noticed my sister was struggling with her son's diagnosis of ODD, and since I have a child with bi-polar I wanted to offer support-it can be lonely to be the parent of a child with a mental health condition, and she was no longer friends with my ex on facebook so I thought maybe she finally respected my wishes (or just got sick of dealing with him).
So we started talking via text, and she commented on how I didn't need to go through life without my sisters, saying I should confide in her and all that (as if there's ANY trust there on my end at this point-and it shows how clueless she is) and that is when I brought up why I haven't.
The conversation was so painful, and its got me all stirred up. She was saying he had a right to info on me because I had his son, and he had rights as a father. I responded in a careful and polite way that abusers do not have the right to cause harm their victims, and that if he had beat me or sexually abused me or my son that no one would question my son and I going No Contact.
I did hurt her feelings for certain-she said she thought I was being unfair-that I was not good at communicating what happened to me (Which for GOD'S sake-I tried All THE TIME, but it's a hard thing to "get" I know so my explaining things wasn't really heard as abuse in my sister's ears) and that she only has my exes story, not mine. How was she supposed to understand?
I explained about how sometimes the emotionally abused don't even know they are being abused for years (sounds like bitterness and vindictiveness for those in denial about emotional abuse) and that going into detail can be re traumatizing, and the PTSD makes one avoid any triggers associated with the abuse. So it's not easy to talk to about. But why should I have to counter his version anyway? Why should I go into detail and make a case for her about my abuse? Why is it she doesn't trust or respect my judgment of my own experiences? Why is it not enough for me to simply say "I was abused" and be believed by the people I count on most in this world? Why is it not enough for me to just say "This hurts me, it needs to stop?" And, even if she never got it (which I would be understanding of) who does she think she is anyway to disregard my request for No Contact whether she agrees with it or not?
It's the last couple of questions I ask myself which are especially triggering for me, because it has to do with my capabilities and respecting my autonomy, and those things were terribly undermined while I was abused and I have been fighting to feel like I have faith in myself and my ability to steer my own life ever since.
I have so much hurt and anger over this it just burns inside me. And when I get triggered all the abuse fog comes back, confused, feeling incapable, anxiety symptoms-the whole wonderful ball of PTSD triggered wax.
Really-I just wanted to vent. I actually think it's a good thing for us to try and air out-and I think we are doing so in a loving and respectful manner so it's not a bad conversation-it just sucks me back down into things-which is disheartening when usually I got through my day with few PTSD symptoms anymore-and then BANG, a nice, needed conversation puts me right back in it. And this whole fiasco continues to make me see absolute red and want to go into a crying jag of sadness at the same time.
The only insight I have been able to come to, via years and years of therapy, is that my family is super dysfunctional. A healthy family would support their child in a domestic violence situation. In a healthy family it would not even be a question.
So, knowing that our families that act this way are dysfunctional and probably always have been gave me some insight as to why I kept dating abusive men. It was a very hard truth to come to, I loved my family. But the more I looked at it honestly, the more I see that it's true.
I went NC with my family as well as my abuser. Last I heard they are having a great time together. I can't let it bother me, I know I am free and safe.
I'm sorry you're facing this!
How old is your son? How's he doing?
tulip, I'm sorry you have had a similar experience. My family has some degree of dysfunction that is clear and for certain but everything falls within a continuum, and there is also a lot of healthy, supportive aspects of my family which balance out the dysfunction, normalizing them a bit. I don't want to lose the benefits of these relationships-I simply want to protect myself and my son against my ex! So I struggle with this. If it weren't for this issue with my ex, honestly I can handle all their little issues but I am not in a place, and don't know that I will ever be to deal with my abuser in any way shape or form and they make it easier for him to hold on. Maddening!
And I agree it has turned into a war of control. And I cannot control what they do. Which is why I have to make my choices based off whatever choices they make. They do what they must, what lines up with their values and the dictates of their conscience and I must do the same. I really need to accept, fully accept that they may never "get it" no matter how desperately I may want them to, and its okay for me to make the choices I need to make for myself. My head says that but my heart doesn't accept it yet. I keep trying and trying. I wish their validation wasn't so important to me.
My son is 20 and after a recent episode which required hospitalization about a month ago he is currently doing much better. Med changes seem to be working well.
His illness is part of the reason my family feels pity for my ex husband. They project how they'd feel if the other parent had access to a sick child and barred them access (which is how they look at it-but that's got nothing to do with ME-my son doesn't want contact either and I accept his wishes and it was his own decision. Plus he is AN ADULT! I try to explain-that is apples and oranges-he is not a parent just like you or anyone else, he is an abuser. Abusers do not have the right to abuse their victims. Period.
I wish very much my son wasn't sick. I wish his father wasn't abusive. I wish my son had a healthy relationship with a loving father. But it is what it is, and my son and I have to deal with it the best way we can.