Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading the post about couples counseling and thought it was very eye opening. I've suggested couples counseling for my wife and I before and that idea was shot down immediately because according to her "we know what the problem is....kids." In that I want kids and she doesn't. However, its so much more than that and at this point she knows that however, to her, I'm not supposed to be sharing my feelings or concerns with anyone but her. When I've brought up how are friends get uncomfortable around us and that they can offer a non-biased perspective she says "they aren't us and they're single," essentially they don't know what they are talking about and she even specifically said I shouldn't be going to them for advice - even though two of the three friends have been married before even though they are single now. Is her trying to prevent me from talking to friends about our problems a move to cut me off from what others would think and a way for her to try and control me? When we separated a year and half ago for a while and for some preceding time before then she was incensed that I talked to my brother and his wife and my wife's sister about our problems - particularly my brother. According to my wife - they (meaning my brother and his wife) were judging her and making bad assumptions about her - even though honestly they were not judging her at all, they were simply listening and may have expressed disappointment at things she said to me - such as once during a heated argument when I called her manipulative she kicked me out of the house and said "good luck finding your baby mama who's going to treat you like shit." To my brother and his wife he sounded like her overall goal is to just "win" the argument no matter what. Every time something comes up where someone says something negative about her or I point out something they or I am "judging" her and that's the end of the story because how dare I make any judgments whatsoever. What are everyone's thoughts on this - in the sense of is this a form of manipulation or control? I feel like my wife wants to control everything about my life and doesn't seem to mind how it has to be done. During an argument last week I said we aren't good together and she said we were and that her previous marriages weren't good together and I didn't know what I was talking about. She constantly brings up everything about her previous marriages as 1) evidence of what I shouldn't do because she left in those situations - kind of a warning to me and 2) always how's she so much better than before and she has learned from those mistakes so I should be thankful to have someone like her. Is this part of manipulation or control, a form of emotional abuse? I would really appreciate an outside perspective. Thank you.
with my ex every word out of his mouth is some variation of "no, i didn't do what you are saying i did," "i don't understand," or "you must be depressed or sick or having a psychotic break." different words, but the same thing, over and over, in every situation, even if it is not to his advantage. the need to invalidate me and deny responsibility is paramount and he will meet that goal no matter what.
abusers use these techniques to destroy connection and intimacy, and to keep you pissed off every second just so that they are in control. that sounds a lot like what your wife is doing, and that sounds pretty abusive to me.
i hope you are either slamming your baby maker in the cutlery drawer on the regular or exposing yourself to radiation to keep that sperm count nice and low, children will not to ANYTHING to help this situation except add more pawns on the chessboard.
you deserve better, and your future children deserve better. have them with someone else.
(sorry, that's blunt. apparently that's how i roll.)
I have had this from every abuser I`ve had. If someone doesn't like what they`re doing, they think it`s the other person`s job to either stay quiet and take it, or get lost. They don`t see why they themselves should change. They will also call the other person any number of things (judgemental, selfish, jealous...even abusive) rather than take responsibility and admit their own behaviour.
What she is saying about her previous marriages is not likely to be the whole truth, either. Abusers don`t change, so they are this way with pretty much every partner they are with. I am guessing that either she was not the person who left the previous relationships, or her partners found themselves in the position you are now in and she is projecting her own behaviour onto them and blaming them.
Sorry, I don't think couples counselling will help you because you`re with an abuser. Going to counselling for yourself would get you some much-needed support, though. And this is a great place to get support or even just vent if you`re not feeling good.
Take care and hope this helps!
[2] Go TOTALLY NO CONTACT
[3] Do my Clarifying Index Card exercise
[4] Find a relevant on-the-ground support group
[5] Be connected with your support network daily
[6] Practice SELF-CARE every hour of the day
[7] Learn how to construct and maintain
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
say (after years
and years of
trying to save
the marriage). . . .
It's over. I'm filing.
This is not a discussion.
After you've said your piece,
you can let her do her thing
or not. Whatever you decide,
you need to have already
committed (within yourself),
that you will NOT engage
in any kind of debate or
histrionics. You KNOW
she will try for one or
both, in order to
manipulate you away
from your decision.
If you see her going
in those directions,
then say ---- again -----
this is a decision, NOT
a discussion.
And then, after a
civil and reasonable
amount of time, you
get up and get out.
When you return, be
prepared for more.
At any point, if it's
going in that direction,
then get up and leave
again.
Know this won't be
easy. Be prepared.
Be civil. Be totally
commited and
DON'T engage in
debate.
keep your eye on the prize and remember, you don't actually owe her anything more than what you have already given her. any explanation at this point would be repeating what you have already said. it doesn't need to be a long conversation, and i would say it's better to be abrupt than get caught in the web.
you deserve to be happy. if this is the way to happy you owe it to yourself to get there by any means necessary.
When I was leaving my husband, both of these sources kept me focused and aware. I could sit back and watch him switch from tactic to tactic. I could see the desperation in him as he saw that I was not moved by them. It was SO telling. It was then that I knew leaving was the only option. I have not once regretted it. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner. I had three kids with him first. And yes, he uses them as pawns to hurt me.