Becca, try to go out and get support. Please don't isolate yourself. It took me years to start talking when God brought me safe people. That is the key...not everyone is safe to talk to about your circumstances. Your local domestic violence center knows. Search them out, they'll bring you clarity.
I used to feel trapped just like you and my DV group empowered me.

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with so much dysfunction and abuse. No one deserves that. I agree with Juli about getting some support. Just make sure the therapist is specially trained in trauma recovery and the dynamics and effects of abuse. Not all are, even the ones who are recommended by the women's shelters.

Here is a link to some questions you can ask a potential therapist.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/20977607-questions-ask-potential

In addition to therapy, please take really good care of yourself.

Here is a link to some suggestions:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/17448271-we-focus-expands

Once you get out, and begin your healing journey, you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness and having a normal life is definitely possible.

~healing hugs~

Thank you.
I will try these things. Some of them I do already.
I have good days and bad days. It's just always hard to never know when you are going to trigger someone who is abusive. I am constantly alert, always thinking and overthinking. It's exhausting. It's so hard to make just a simple decision at times, wondering if that will set him off, if I do the wrong thing.

If you are not already
set up with one, please
do some research and
find a therapist who
can effectively address
your needs.

You're entitled to a
better life. Just because
your abusive husband
seems like the "lesser
evil" compared to your
family doesn't mean
that that's an improvement.

Please take the best
care of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and healing.