Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been thinking about my daughter a lot lately, and whether to address the fact her father is emotionally abusive. I'd like to give a little background and then if anyone could tell me what their thoughts are and how to handle this I would appreciate it.
When I was married to my ex the abuse was directed pretty much at me. When it came to our daughter I was the primary care giver, his parenting style with her was either neglectful (in that she was simply my concern most of the time-not that he wouldn't have fed her or clothed her, or changed a diaper if I wasn't there and she needed it) and permissive-which really clashed with my parenting style but again-I did most the day to day stuff-he was a fun, affectionate dad.
I know at the time we were married and the abuse went on she had some awareness of it. I remember he was yelling at me one day and she came in the room and said "I'm surprised mom hasn't divorced you yet." She was about 10 years old. I remember making dinner and he came up behind me, monitoring what I was doing and telling me I was doing it wrong (which was almost EVERYTHING I DID was wrong, the cooking, cutting vegetables, doing the laundry, the dishes. He always had to interrupt me and tell me what I was doing wrong, and take over to show me how to do it right. She responded on this occasion to leave me alone, he didn't need to control everything I did. She was about 12. We divorced shortly after that. Those are two times I remember her reaction to something, there were probably more I'm forgetting.
When we got divorced we had joint custody. It took several years after the divorce for me to even recognize I had been in an abusive relationship, and I also had never recognized his abusive behaviors towards our daughter. But once I realized he had been abusive I started to get concerned about his time with our daughter, wondering if she would "take my place" so to speak with me not being available day to day to be abused. After talking with my daughter for while, trying hard to get honest answers and not to put ideas in her head or make her feel negatively towards her father I realized my fears were valid, not only that I saw a lot of behaviors in her that were modeled by her father that had me concerned.
Then she got sick, as in a psychotic mental illness. She couldn't be around her father at all for quite some time. Now that she is doing better and is in therapy she knows her father has some issues, she knows there were boundary violations but I don't think she has put into a context of emotional abuse. She doesn't seem to remember what it was like when her father and I were married...
I have been thinking lately about the kind of behavioral patterns created by emotional abuse, and how if you are unaware of them you can't navigate them. I've been thinking about how they create pitfalls in new relationships and attachments, how one can adopt abusive behaviors if they aren't aware of what they are. My daughter is also in recovery, and still has a lot to deal with without necessarily being hit with this information from her mother, I mean, isn't this what therapy is for, to suss out such issues? Do you guys think it would be beneficial to have a conversation with her about this now? For those of you with children, what you have guys discussed with them and how do they see the exs?
When I was married to my ex the abuse was directed pretty much at me. When it came to our daughter I was the primary care giver, his parenting style with her was either neglectful (in that she was simply my concern most of the time-not that he wouldn't have fed her or clothed her, or changed a diaper if I wasn't there and she needed it) and permissive-which really clashed with my parenting style but again-I did most the day to day stuff-he was a fun, affectionate dad.
I know at the time we were married and the abuse went on she had some awareness of it. I remember he was yelling at me one day and she came in the room and said "I'm surprised mom hasn't divorced you yet." She was about 10 years old. I remember making dinner and he came up behind me, monitoring what I was doing and telling me I was doing it wrong (which was almost EVERYTHING I DID was wrong, the cooking, cutting vegetables, doing the laundry, the dishes. He always had to interrupt me and tell me what I was doing wrong, and take over to show me how to do it right. She responded on this occasion to leave me alone, he didn't need to control everything I did. She was about 12. We divorced shortly after that. Those are two times I remember her reaction to something, there were probably more I'm forgetting.
When we got divorced we had joint custody. It took several years after the divorce for me to even recognize I had been in an abusive relationship, and I also had never recognized his abusive behaviors towards our daughter. But once I realized he had been abusive I started to get concerned about his time with our daughter, wondering if she would "take my place" so to speak with me not being available day to day to be abused. After talking with my daughter for while, trying hard to get honest answers and not to put ideas in her head or make her feel negatively towards her father I realized my fears were valid, not only that I saw a lot of behaviors in her that were modeled by her father that had me concerned.
Then she got sick, as in a psychotic mental illness. She couldn't be around her father at all for quite some time. Now that she is doing better and is in therapy she knows her father has some issues, she knows there were boundary violations but I don't think she has put into a context of emotional abuse. She doesn't seem to remember what it was like when her father and I were married...
I have been thinking lately about the kind of behavioral patterns created by emotional abuse, and how if you are unaware of them you can't navigate them. I've been thinking about how they create pitfalls in new relationships and attachments, how one can adopt abusive behaviors if they aren't aware of what they are. My daughter is also in recovery, and still has a lot to deal with without necessarily being hit with this information from her mother, I mean, isn't this what therapy is for, to suss out such issues? Do you guys think it would be beneficial to have a conversation with her about this now? For those of you with children, what you have guys discussed with them and how do they see the exs?
Generally the sooner childhood emotional/psychological damage of that sort is treated, the easier it is to fix the damage that was done. The older a person gets (especially once reaching adulthood) the more difficult it becomes to undo emotional/psychological harm that occurred in childhood. This is because in children the brain is still forming the long term connections that will determine how future relationships (and behavior in those relationships) will be viewed and handled in adulthood. Once a person reaches adulthood that information about how close/intimate relationships work and how to behave in them is basically hardwired into the brain, which makes it much more difficult to change since biggest period of brain development (childhood) has passed.
I'm getting a psychology degree and sometimes I tell my daughter a bit about what I'm learning, because she said she has an interest in psychology and may want to do something in that field one day. I was talking about the personality disorders, I was describing the narcissist, and she said "That's dad." I was floored, I couldn't even respond for a moment. And I just said, "you think so?"
There are times when she comes home from an outing with her dad and will say "I'm glad to be home-dad was in one of his moods." But she seems okay with her time with him because now it's her choice whether she goes or not-it is never something she has to do-and she has a safe place to come back to and she knows it.
When her psychotic symptoms were acute she had a lot of delusions about him. She had some about me too, but they were very different. Her delusions about me were that I had cameras watching her, in her mind because of her suicide attempts I had the cameras to try and make sure she didn't make another attempt. She also had some religious delusions and she thought I was one of 21 angles watching over her. With her dad she thought he was going to physically hurt her, which I think was generated by the emotional violations, which to the psyche feel the same as physical ones, and the unpredictability of his rages. I do think delusions and such have a kind of psychodynamic, subconscious kennels of truth to them. I think she had these delusions about her father in order to force the space she needed from him. It's just so tragic that that's what it took for her to get that space. I also think this abuse was an environmental factor which may have contributed to the onset of her symptoms. I just have so much guilt and so much uncertainty about how to make sure she stays well-because what happened with her health was the worst nightmare for a parent-and she's doing so well now.
I will think about what you guys said. I see so much about the father issues that effect her on a daily basis.
She has behaved abusively to me in the past, like calling me dumb. I told her I didn't want her to talk like that to me and she responded I was being sensitive. I told her that when someone spoke to her in a way that she felt was hurtful when she spoke up and said she didn't like it she expected the other person to respect that-and I was no different. She hasn't called me any names since (although she almost did a couple of times after that and caught herself).
It breaks my heart that all these innocent children are caught up in such harmful abuse and have to deal with issues adults shouldn't ever have to deal with. Its so hard to protect them when we can't even protect ourselves.
My daughter is 18 now. I feel like since she has this mental health condition it complicates things. I need to be careful not to feed paranoia or delusions, but still be sensitive to all her feelings, regardless of where they are coming from (reality or fantasy). Usually I address things with her therapist, however I have to be understanding of patient/doctor privilege and not tread on that relationship either now that she is 18. I just don't want to hand her anything she is not ready to handle.