Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been married for 19 years and have two boys. I have been going to therapy because I developed psycho genie non epileptic seizures due to the advise and stress. There are times that I wonder if it is abuse but I am told that it is. Apt 2 years ago I was awaken to him gaming my hair and saying that he was going to f*c me and then he proceeded to do just that. Needless to day I have not been intimate with him since. He says that he does not remember it but I so not believe that. He had led to me from day one.
My therapist said that it is time for me to get away from him. I am worried how it will affect my 12 year old son.
My therapist said that it is time for me to get away from him. I am worried how it will affect my 12 year old son.
I can sense your fear. Let me start by saying your son is affected by your state just as he is affected by him and a possible breakup.
You are not happy and even ill right now because of that abuser's behavior.
What do you think about all this? You wrote about your therapist's advice..
I agree w/your therapist. It is time to get away from him. Please contact your local women's shelter to make a SAFE plan to leave with your son. If you don't know where the nearest shelter is, you can all the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800799SAFE(7233). They should be able to put you in touch with your local shelter.
But do NOT tell him you're thinking about leaving and don't threaten it. Leaving is the most dangerous time and he has already put his hands on you, so he won't hesitate to do so again, especially if he thinks you might leave.
Him putting his hands on you has also put your son at risk, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Living w/an abuser affects the children way more than most people realize. They see and hear much more than we give them credit for. Children learn what they live and live what they learn.
Will leaving affect your child? Yes, it will. But, staying will be way worse. Staying will teach him that its ok to abuse and ok to be abused. On top of that, as disi said, your son is affected when you are affected.
Living in this kind of stress affects us physically, emotionally, mentally & spiritually. The only way to get better is to get out of the dangerous toxicity.
I'm really glad you're seeing a therapist. She may be able to provide you with additional resources as you begin your healing & recovery process.
~healing hugs~
1. Do NOT, under any circumstances, tell your husband (or any mutual friends) you are doing this. Do NOT even hint or threaten to leave. He WILL escalate. Maybe not at first, but he will. He has already crossed the line and there is no excuse for what he did.
For everyone reading this, this may be redundant, but it will also save your life!
NEVER EVER tell or let on to your abuser that you are even thinking about leaving. And don't tell ANYONE you don't trust with your life! (That includes your own family, especially if they ever took your abuser's side or down played the abuse!) That's because leaving is the most dangerous time. Even those abusers who haven't been physically abusive can become violent.
They may start out by crying and apologizing, but its ONLY TO SUCK YOU BACK IN. They may sound like they really mean it, but the minute you step out of line (in their opinion), they won't hesitate to use whatever means possible to keep you under their control. Please don't become another story in the news where everyone is shocked that the husband killed the wife and kids.
2. Know that your local shelter can get you referrals to attorneys & therapists to specialize in recovery from abuse, some of whom charge on a sliding scale basis. Some shelters can also help find affordable housing and/or help with job searches. Many shelters provide weekly support groups which are free.
3. Gather originals (or copies) of your marriage license, his social security number, his most recent pay stubs, checking & savings accts, mortgages, credit cards, loans, misc debts & other assets like retirement accounts, investments, life & health insurance, wills & trusts, car titles, etc. Put them in a SAFE place, preferably in a safe deposit box in a different bank (not branch of same bank).
4. If you don't already have one, open a credit card in your name only and get a post office box so the credit card will be sent there. Don't use the credit card a lot, just enough to establish that you will pay off what you owe. So once every few months, you can charge just a little & then pay it off in full if you can. Keep the card in your safe deposit box so he won't know you have it.
5. Start saving any spare money you can. Put it in your safe deposit box, not a new bank acct.
6. Make sure you have a extra supply of any meds for you and your son, as well as a suitcase w/clothes, sundries, extra money, etc. in case you have to leave suddenly. Keep this where he can't find it - like at a TRUSTED friend or relative's house. (Not in your house or your car.)
7. Make sure he hasn't put spyware on your computer or a gps on your cell phone or car. You can do that by taking your computer to an office supply or computer store where they will do a check, usually for free or at a minimal charge. Change your passwords frequently and delete your cookies and history every time you turn off your computer.
8. Get a phone app like the Aspire app (https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/) for your phone that will contact trusted people & let them know you're in trouble. (Watch the 2 minute video where they explain how it works.)
9. Do you best to act 'normally' when you're around him - i.e. the way you usually do.
10. Practice extreme self care by continuing your therapy, eat well, get plenty of sleep, exercise, do something you enjoy. Keep loving your son unconditionally. Remember this is a process. Your abuser won't change - other than to get worse. There will be ups and downs. You'll feel like you're going in circles some days. But know that by continuing to take baby steps you will get out and you will be starting a new healthy life w/your son.
~healing hugs~
Your husband is the
main role model for
your adolescent son,
about how to be a man
in the world. Is that
want your
soon-to-be-a-man
son to be learning?
My therapist said that it is time for me to get away from him."
Why did you wait TWO YEARS? That would cause major stress in a family dragging out punishment for two years for one thing that happened two years ago?
Once away, then yes, look back in wonderment. But for now, this is time for careful planning, focus, calmness, and courage.
It's just she said that it only happened one time in all the years they were married and that was even two years ago and he said he doesn't remember which considering they were sleeping could be true. He could have been having a dream or they could have a evil entity in the house, etc.
I'm just saying divorce does hurt kids badly! If he was an abuser one time if all of the time they have been together and they were sleeping when it happened? ( unless I read it wrong) sounds kinda strange?
(I presume that actually reads:
He had lied to me from day one.)
THAT's an abuser.
Abuse changes who
children are. Typically
as either being abusive themself
or they end up being
susceptible to bonding
with an abuser.
Divorce is very sad
for children.
Abuse is life-changing
for children,
and not in a good way.