Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been in this marriage 17 years now and keep thinking that it will get better and he will figure out what he stands to loose and change. I even hired an attorney but once I told him, he yelled and screamed at me for 2 hours and I ended up hiding under the covers in tears.
Now, a year later, he has shredded only my credit cards and took over the finances completely. I am given $150 every 2 weeks for groceries and the rest is basically his. He recently tried to get verbal with my mother and I did tell him to not talk to her that way and he got so mad that he left the house but came back and wanted me to appologize for speaking to him that way.
I have been told that he is abusive, but yet I stay. Why?
Now, a year later, he has shredded only my credit cards and took over the finances completely. I am given $150 every 2 weeks for groceries and the rest is basically his. He recently tried to get verbal with my mother and I did tell him to not talk to her that way and he got so mad that he left the house but came back and wanted me to appologize for speaking to him that way.
I have been told that he is abusive, but yet I stay. Why?
I'm so sorry you are having to live like this. Sad to say that in almost every case w/an abuser tbhe situation always gets worse, as you have just witnessed.
Everything you described is him being abusive. Patricia Evans describes many kinds of abuse in her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Financial abuse, yelling & screaming for hours, and getting verbal w/your mother are just three types of abuse. Also check out her website www.youarenotcrazy.com
MAKE SURE YOU DELETE YOUR HISTORY & COOKIES so he doesn't know what you are doing. And make sure he doesn't have any kind of tracking software on your computer or phone.
Your first sentence tells it all. If it hasn't gotten better in 17 yrs, it's not about to now or ever.
Ask your mom for help to get you away from him safely. Contact your women's shelter & they will help you make a SAFE plan. (abusers are the most dangerous when they think their 'source' is leaving). Do NOT tell him you are on this site or accuse him of being abusive.
When you can do it safely, start getting copies of his most recent tax returns, pay stubs, social security cards, birth certificates, anything to do with bank accts, other financial assets, etc. Put them in a safe place like a safe deposit box (that he doesn't know about) or give them to your mom for safe keeping. until you can leave.
Your local women's shelter can also help you get counseling & possibly an attorney.
may be because we are
biologically programmed.
Once we're bonded, we're
"wired" to stay bonded. It's
an evolutionary mechanism
to optimize the probability
that mated couples stay
together to better procreate
and successfully nurture
another generation.
That mechanism may be
great for the species, but
when it comes to staying
bonded to an abuser, it
sucks.
I agree w/Ilene & Elana. Again, I am sorry for misunderstanding your question.
Most people stay because they are trapped. Some stay in the trap hoping to be released and some pull themselves out leaving whatever remnants remain to get away.
Your trapped. What are you going to do to get out? That is the question you have to answer.
I think for me, it was easier in some ways because I fell out of love with him-it was still frightening to leave, but not being bonded to him (as Ilene describes) really helped.
Knowledge is power, and doing tons of reading up on abusive relationships makes it easier to see that you are in one as well.
Once you start to recognise it, it's easier to let go.
The financial abuse thing is scary-and really sucks!!!!
It was kind of that way for me as well-he checked our account on the internet several times per day, so he could see where I was and what I was spending money on-but I could spend as much as I wanted at the grocery store, so I'd get cashback-$20 here and there, and I would buy things and then return them for cash, and over a 3 year period, I was able to save a bit of money-not a ton, but a helpful amount.
when I made the mistake of telling him that I wanted to leave, that's when he because violent and really scary-I never thought he'd ever hit me, but he did, and he threatened to murder me, and he made tons of threats.
After he hit me, I knew I had to get out and that it would have to be a shelter.
I finally got the guts (about 4 months after he hit me) to contact a shelter, and was THE BEST thing I could ever have done. no way I would have gotten out otherwise.
If you're interested, friend me, and you can read my journals from the last two years...documenting me coming to the realization that I was abused. before that, I wasn't sure. my very first post here on DS in March of 2010 was titled 'Is this emotional abuse?' I really didn't know..and doubted myself..but the ladies here got me to see what was really happening, and reading other people's posts and journals..
I never would have left my ex had I not found this site!!
I am now one year out, living on my own, and doing well, and I even have a new boyfriend!!!
Don't wait on him to wake up and see the light cause it isn't going to happen. Waiting will prolong your misery and give him more opportunities to hurt you.
I ended up on welfare after the shelter, then got a tiny basement suite, and am now cleaning houses for a living and love it!
even though I'm 'poor', I'm richer than I was when I was with him. I decide what to spend money on, and how much, with no one dictating to me what I can and can't buy. my ex was a money pit, so now that I'm just a house cleaning single mom in a basement suite, my quality of living is way better-I spend more money on myself and seem to be able to better afford things than when I was with my ex.
life really IS better!