Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am left wondering what is wrong with me this morning. I suffer from depression and I have been doing great with it lately until last night. There has been a lot of things in my marriage that have brought me to the point that I almost cringe when my husband tries to kiss me. I constantly wonder if he is lying to me or if he wants a man instead of me ever since I found emails to another man that he found on craigslist that lives in our town. I gave into having sex last night and now am feeling hopeless and just want to crawl into a hole and die. It is not suppose to make you feel that way.
I have recently come to the conclussion that I am not sure that he loves me or if I am convenient for him.
I have recently come to the conclussion that I am not sure that he loves me or if I am convenient for him.
I know how it feels to wonder that same thing--constantly. It might be part of depression. What is wrong with me?
It is really a fairly pointless question though. Because really--we aren't set in stone. We have a future made of choices. Sure, maybe we made choices we regret, but that doesn't color the entire future.
I don't know enough about your situation to say much more--only that you can make your life beautiful and wonderful, and that you can make your life what you want it to be with time and work. You have enormous potential, all that you have to do is access that.
Let me start by saying I empathize with your sense of loss, uncertainty, fear and anger. I am here to help you strengthen your identity, determine what you want and need, confront and disclose for your protection and set appropriate limitations in what you will tolerate.
It appears your husband is suffering from Same Sex Addiction Disorder, through sex or relationships with his gender. His activities violate the sanctity and monogamy of marriage, he is at least displaying infidelity, at most an adulterer. He is undermining your trust in him and destroying the safety you and he have built through this marriage.
That being said, his desire to have sexual relations with you means he has not decided his sexual preference. When he is with you, most likely he is in love with you and wants to enjoy the privilege of the marriage bed, he is making love to his wife.
teddybear, this is where we speak about your options. Primarily, what do you want? In listing what you want, you are really setting limitations as to what you will accept cognitively. Accepting more than that can create emotional chaos inside you, making you unsteady in this delicate part of your life. Please consider carefully what you are willing to accept, and the rest needs to be a decision gate, a "pass/fail", a limitation with a degree of finality. Are you willing to live with a man that flirts outside of marriage, contacting others without your knowledge, to whatever gender? If so, then set the limits at him meeting those he flirts with alone. If you are unwilling to accept him flirting, that is where you need to embolden yourself, and set limits.
What happens when you get to a limit? In a word, Act. Planning an action helps to protect ourselves from further harm. Carrying out that plan creates self affirmation, strengthening your identity and allowing you to listen to you, creating a level of independence that allows you to overcome this situation.
You love your husband, that much is obvious. Please know what you want, set limitations on how he acts, and then act should he break those predetermined limits.
First though, talk to a counselor or mature trusted friend about what he is doing, make a plan for yourself. Then, tell him you know what he is doing, and that he needs to get help immediately, because he is cheating on you and you will not tolerate this betrayal. Finally, prepare to leave him if he does not seek counseling, individual first, from an expert in SSAD. Explain to him any more "acting out" will breakdown the relationship until there is no more healing. If he continues, he is cheating on you, and the axe needs to fall, you need to do as you plan, and leave him.
Your strong words and actions will help him understand you are "all in" in this relationship, but that he has to be as well, and you will accept nothing less.
Continue counseling for yourself, to stabilize your identity and continue to be strong for you.
These are suggestions, teddybear, use them as you can, ignore what you cannot use. These steps are from a support group I belong to that deals in male childhood abuse, and the issues that stem from it, especially in marriages.
Keep getting stronger,
Sam