This is my March 7th post on today's Wolf's Daily Howl:

Greetings Friends and Fellow Miners -----

Here are my few thoughts on TRUST:

First of all, one of the very first things that is stunted, deformed and kept from happening in the setting of a developing psyche being raised in the middle of abuse ---- is trust in self.

Right off the bat, with an absence of trust in self, a person is already short an absolutely VITAL ingredient. I'll return to this point in a little bit.

Second, since, in the middle of emotional/physical/sexual abuse in childhood, the victim's ability to be able to trust someone who we're supposed to be able to trust is shattered, from there on out, that ability is crippled. We either trust too easily and without foundation, or we close up like a clam and refuse to trust anyone, anytime, anywhere ------ even when there IS foundation. We don't trust when we have evidence that we COULD trust, and/or we trust where either there's not yet evidence that we should trust, or we trust unimaginably, where there's all kinds of evidence that we're already being used and abused.

This is NOT a character flaw, but is actually the result of emotional injury from when we were being raised within a dysfunctional family system.

Third: all the time I hear this: I've been hurt by someone whom I trusted and who abused me badly. So now I'm not going to trust ANYBODY.

This sounds like a good idea, but it's simply the on-going result of the original injury. It will not yield happiness, any better than trusting someone who's abusive.

What needs to happen is that we have to do the work of constructing the core that never got built, because we were raised within dysfunction.

Obviously, this is no small item.

Core reconstruction requires building an identity which we may never have had in the first place, along with construction of appropriate, healthy boundaries.

But if we work at this, we find that we can have a self that we have confidence in and which we can TRUST. (Remember the first point, up top?) Because at the end of the day, the first and last person we need to be concerned about trusting, is OURSELF!!!!!!

Let's look at a tiny example of how this works, just focusing on my relationship with myself, for a moment. If, because I practice reasonably self-caring habits, I use my curling iron to freshen up my hair, before I leave the house in the morning. Then, after I've gotten out and I'm on the road, now miles from home, I begin wondering if I shut off and unplugged the curling iron ---- even if I can't specifically remember unplugging the iron I can say: Don't worry. I practice reasonably good self-care just about all the time. Based on that, I trust that I turned off and unplugged the iron. ------ So, if I really do trust that that's the case, I forget the iron, peaceful in myself, adequately confident that I took the right action. I trust myself.

Or ---- an interpesonal issue: Should I date again? What if I follow my past history and hook up with another dysfunctional partner who'll abuse me?

If I'm able to say: It's okay. Over the past half dozen years, I've found a way to begin to repair the old injuries. I trust myself now, to be able to [1] recognize dysfunction, manipulation and control when I see it and [2] terminate any relationship expeditiously, when I recognize dysfunction, manipulation, control and abuse.

Then:

If this is the case, I don't have to focus on worrying about whom out there I can trust or not ---- because I know I can trust MYSELF to be able to protect myself, and handle whatever might happen.

In my perspective:
proper boundary contruction
together with self-trust, are the KEYS.

You?

I.W.