Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I saw this article on this site actually and thought it was pretty fitting for all of us, especially good when we self doubt, second guess, etc. whether to leave or stay. Hopefully you will find it helpful. It talks only about "him" but it goes for both men and women.
5 Signs He/She Is the Right One For You
Wish as we might-and despite what romantic comedies would have you believe-there is no magic answer to finding the perfect mate. Discovering if someone is the right one for you usually takes some time. Although we may wish to act solely on instinct-which can be helpful in determining if he is the right one-it is important to give it time before reaching that final decision.
While there is no set-in-stone policy for finding love, there are 5 signs you can use to determine if he is the one
.
Sign #1 He Is the Right One - You Respect One Another
When it comes to figuring out if he is the right one, respect should be at the top of the list. Respect is also something that should go both ways. He should respect you and you should respect him, in turn.
You can tell he respects you when:
He is willing to compromise
He listens to your concerns and feelings
He notices when something is wrong and asks you about it
He values your opinion
He appreciates you
He is genuinely happy for you when you succeed
All of these are signs that he has respect for you. You should also demonstrate these same things to him. On the other hand, if you find that either of you are unwilling to compromise, concerns and feelings are dismissed, or you notice something is wrong but don't inquire, then you have some tell-tale signs that there is a lack of respect.
If either of you flippantly dismisses the other's opinions or act as if they are inconsequential, there is clearly a lack of respect. If you greet one another's successes with jealousy instead of enthusiasm and support, you need to take a minute to assess the level of respect that exists in your relationship.
Sign #2 He Is the Right One - He Has the Qualities You're Looking For
Ideally, you should know ahead of time what qualities are important to you in a mate. Trying to figure it out after the fact can lead to serious problems. If you have a good idea of the qualities you are looking for-the ones that are the most important-it will help you determine if he is the right one.
It helps to write a list. Select at least 10 qualities you are looking for in a man. Put that list in the order of importance. Take a serious look at the list and cross off any qualities that aren't so important. Some qualities are probably negotiable. If that is the case, they can likely be removed from the list. The idea is to get down to at least the top 5 non-negotiable qualities that you are looking for.
All of this must be done by keeping 2 important things in your mind. First, no one is perfect. If you are looking for Mr. Perfect, you might as well stop looking and recognize that perfection simply doesn't exist. With that in mind, know that you don't have to just "settle" for "good enough." You want to have the confidence of knowing that he is not someone you have simply settled for but he is the right one for you.
The list of qualities you are looking for will help determine that.
Compare your list of top 5 non-negotiable traits and compare it to the man in question. Remember, these were non-negotiable qualities that you selected, so if he doesn't fit all of them, there is a good chance that he is not the right one for you. It's surprisingly easy to fall into the trap of trying to change your standards, but you should never change your standards to fit someone else. You can't make someone be who they aren't.
If he meets every one of your non-negotiable qualities, chances are good that he may be the right one for you.
Sign #3 He Is the Right One - You Share the Same Values
What do you value most? What values make up the life you have chosen to live? These are important questions to ask yourself, as they will help determine if he is the right one for you. Values are usually in-line with those non-negotiable items that will give you a clue as to whether or not he is the right one. If you don't share the same values, consider that to be a red flag.
An important factor to consider is if you find yourself compromising your values for him. Values really make up who we are. If you are changing your values in order to please someone else, then you are essentially trying to change yourself and that is never a good sign in a relationship!
Values are something that should be discussed ahead of time. Don't guess at what he values most in life, ask him! If he doesn't seem to have any values, or he can't articulate them, that might be another red flag to look for. A man of real substance is flexible, but will possess firm, well-reasoned values.
Sign #4 He Is the Right One - Your Intuition Tells You
Your intuition-your gut-should never be ignored. At the same time, it should never be THE deciding factor. Your intuition should serve as a guide, something you rely on when considering whether or not he is the right one.
Intuition is more than just how physically attracted you are towards him. It goes beyond that to a place deep inside where you just seem to "know." It's usually just a sense or a feeling that this person is the right one.
Whether your instincts are saying he is or isn't the one, it's an important consideration. Many times our instincts are right. Of course, our best instincts can be wrong and someone can present themselves to be something that they are not. This is why intuition is only one sign to consider in determining if he is the right one for you.
Sign #5 He Is the Right One - You Can Be Yourself With Him
You will not be appreciated or valued by a man who tries to change you or who cannot love you, flaws and all. So if you can be who you are when you are with him, he might just be the right one for you. This means he not only accepts the good in you, but also your weaknesses and faults. When you can be yourself, you will experience a sense of freedom. You will have confidence in knowing that he accepts you just as you are.
When taking these 5 signs into consideration, you will have a good idea if he is actually the right guy for you.
5 Signs He/She Is the Right One For You
Wish as we might-and despite what romantic comedies would have you believe-there is no magic answer to finding the perfect mate. Discovering if someone is the right one for you usually takes some time. Although we may wish to act solely on instinct-which can be helpful in determining if he is the right one-it is important to give it time before reaching that final decision.
While there is no set-in-stone policy for finding love, there are 5 signs you can use to determine if he is the one
.
Sign #1 He Is the Right One - You Respect One Another
When it comes to figuring out if he is the right one, respect should be at the top of the list. Respect is also something that should go both ways. He should respect you and you should respect him, in turn.
You can tell he respects you when:
He is willing to compromise
He listens to your concerns and feelings
He notices when something is wrong and asks you about it
He values your opinion
He appreciates you
He is genuinely happy for you when you succeed
All of these are signs that he has respect for you. You should also demonstrate these same things to him. On the other hand, if you find that either of you are unwilling to compromise, concerns and feelings are dismissed, or you notice something is wrong but don't inquire, then you have some tell-tale signs that there is a lack of respect.
If either of you flippantly dismisses the other's opinions or act as if they are inconsequential, there is clearly a lack of respect. If you greet one another's successes with jealousy instead of enthusiasm and support, you need to take a minute to assess the level of respect that exists in your relationship.
Sign #2 He Is the Right One - He Has the Qualities You're Looking For
Ideally, you should know ahead of time what qualities are important to you in a mate. Trying to figure it out after the fact can lead to serious problems. If you have a good idea of the qualities you are looking for-the ones that are the most important-it will help you determine if he is the right one.
It helps to write a list. Select at least 10 qualities you are looking for in a man. Put that list in the order of importance. Take a serious look at the list and cross off any qualities that aren't so important. Some qualities are probably negotiable. If that is the case, they can likely be removed from the list. The idea is to get down to at least the top 5 non-negotiable qualities that you are looking for.
All of this must be done by keeping 2 important things in your mind. First, no one is perfect. If you are looking for Mr. Perfect, you might as well stop looking and recognize that perfection simply doesn't exist. With that in mind, know that you don't have to just "settle" for "good enough." You want to have the confidence of knowing that he is not someone you have simply settled for but he is the right one for you.
The list of qualities you are looking for will help determine that.
Compare your list of top 5 non-negotiable traits and compare it to the man in question. Remember, these were non-negotiable qualities that you selected, so if he doesn't fit all of them, there is a good chance that he is not the right one for you. It's surprisingly easy to fall into the trap of trying to change your standards, but you should never change your standards to fit someone else. You can't make someone be who they aren't.
If he meets every one of your non-negotiable qualities, chances are good that he may be the right one for you.
Sign #3 He Is the Right One - You Share the Same Values
What do you value most? What values make up the life you have chosen to live? These are important questions to ask yourself, as they will help determine if he is the right one for you. Values are usually in-line with those non-negotiable items that will give you a clue as to whether or not he is the right one. If you don't share the same values, consider that to be a red flag.
An important factor to consider is if you find yourself compromising your values for him. Values really make up who we are. If you are changing your values in order to please someone else, then you are essentially trying to change yourself and that is never a good sign in a relationship!
Values are something that should be discussed ahead of time. Don't guess at what he values most in life, ask him! If he doesn't seem to have any values, or he can't articulate them, that might be another red flag to look for. A man of real substance is flexible, but will possess firm, well-reasoned values.
Sign #4 He Is the Right One - Your Intuition Tells You
Your intuition-your gut-should never be ignored. At the same time, it should never be THE deciding factor. Your intuition should serve as a guide, something you rely on when considering whether or not he is the right one.
Intuition is more than just how physically attracted you are towards him. It goes beyond that to a place deep inside where you just seem to "know." It's usually just a sense or a feeling that this person is the right one.
Whether your instincts are saying he is or isn't the one, it's an important consideration. Many times our instincts are right. Of course, our best instincts can be wrong and someone can present themselves to be something that they are not. This is why intuition is only one sign to consider in determining if he is the right one for you.
Sign #5 He Is the Right One - You Can Be Yourself With Him
You will not be appreciated or valued by a man who tries to change you or who cannot love you, flaws and all. So if you can be who you are when you are with him, he might just be the right one for you. This means he not only accepts the good in you, but also your weaknesses and faults. When you can be yourself, you will experience a sense of freedom. You will have confidence in knowing that he accepts you just as you are.
When taking these 5 signs into consideration, you will have a good idea if he is actually the right guy for you.
As for me, #5 is at 0%. -__-
I can add a couple of things I learned in counseling. My counselor said that when making a list like this, we can't expect someone else to fill our gaps. What we have on our list we must be ourselves.
And on #4, my counselor says we tend be attracted to what is familiar to us. The word 'familiar' has it's roots in 'family.' Despite somewhat knowing this, I still wound up with someone who is a LOT like my controlling sister. And I married her because it "felt right." SO BEWARE.
Since my last abusive relationship, I did meet a man I have spent a lot of time with, and for the first 6 months or more, I literally had to force myself to BE myself and to accept the reality that yes, he may just walk away if I'm not being who I think he wants me to be; if I express an opinion he doesn't agree with; if I like something he doesn't, and so on. It's hard work - but it IS rewarding. It feels SO good to be valued and respected for who I am, rather than for my acting skills.
I'm not sure if I fulfill all of those things, though... Sometimes I'm caught up with my own stuff and I might not notice if something is bothering my husband.
Sometimes I think of mean things he has done and when something good happens to him... I'm not sure if I'm 100 percent happy for him.... I wish I was always kind and loving.. but I'm not
Sometimes I don't value my husband's opinion.. because I think my opinion is the best
Sometimes I'm willing to compromise... and sometimes I'm not
I don't think I actually believe there is a "right one"
Sure... some people are downright Monsters and wouldn't be a match for anyone.. but I believe all successful couples compromise and accept each other's faults. No such thing as perfect.