The first year and a half of our relationship was amazing. At 48, I thought I had finally found my own Prince Charming. A year into the relationship he wanted to make my dream come true. The county was looking for a proprietor to run one of its horse farms. Horses have always been my thing! In fact, months before I met my ex, I had been living and running another horse farm with a therapeutic riding program. Well, to cut to the chase, about six months after we took over I started the long slide into depression. I was still working a full-time job and commuting, while he (the non-horse person) was running the farm. He had been a self-employed architect but with the recession, business was not that great. We went on vacation for a week when the slide began. I told him that I always thought I would be the one working the farm and that he would be looking for a regular job so that we had health insurance and some steady income. He said he would look for a job and we talked about getting married. In hindsight, he never planned on looking for a job. He never intends to work for the "man" again.

Anyway, we continue on, and the stress of my regular job and the farm work starts to take a toll. A few months later, I am in a major depression. I wish I could remember it more clearly...how I got there and what his role was. I do remember getting irate one night and telling him I hate him and accusing him of sleeping with the barn help. He never really tried to help me with my depression other then saying I needed to get help. So I did. With medication I felt better in a week or so. Afterwards we had a few good weeks, then he became mean out of nowhere. Screaming at me when I sliced my finger with a knife. Refusing to help me when by car battery died....instead he insisted it was the starter and began barking orders I what I needed to do. Rudely interrupting me while we are interviewing a camp counselor. All kinds of icky stuff in a matter of a few weeks. When I tried to talk to him he insisted that I not tell him how he feels. But I wasn't, I was trying to tell him how I felt. That he always seemed angry with me. Conversation went nowhere and ended with him taking my business credit card away from me when I tried to pay for our dinner. I calmly asked for it back and he refused. I told him several times I would leave him at the restaurant if he didn't give it back. He still wouldn't. I said I am counting to 10 and then leaving. So he counts to ten as fast as he can and I leave him there. A week later I try again to patch things up. In my mind he continues to ignore me around the farm, but is nice to everyone else there...volunteers, horse owners, riders, etc. I know I was not imagining this or was I. Anyway that evening I wrongly accused him of locking me out of the house. He goes on a complete mad tirade....telling me how he busts his back 24/7 on the farm....all for me. I remained calm and tried to tell him I appreciate what he does (although he gives me know credit for my contributions), but that I would rather have a hug. He just continues screaming, pounding the desk and telling me to get out. I try yet again about a week later. Explaining to him how I feel insignificant and that he pays more attention to other folks at the farm. We hug, go out to dinner with friends. All seems ok. The next day, I swear again it was not my imagination, but he ignores me at the farm. Granted there was a lot going on that Saturday....but I get nothing. He is too busy enjoying his farm friends and feeding them pizza. I load up my horse to take her to another farm for the night. The next day a friend and I were going on a trail ride. But before I loaded the horse, I made sure all the barn chores were done as to help him out. As we are leaving, I walk up to him as he is talking to my friend through her car window. He talks to her, not me, an acts like he is going to put his arm around me but he never actually puts it on my shoulder...he just kind of held it there. (Must be my imagination again.) Anyway we take off and my horse is injured during the trailer ride. I try to call him three times that afternoon....no answer...no return call. When I get home that evening I am angry and he can't understand why. At this point, I am starting to feel crazy. I give it one more go. I send him an email telling him how much I appreciate what he has done in getting the farm and all the work he has put into it, but that I am struggling to find the closeness we once had. No response. A week later when I tell him I am moving out, he says he must have forgot to respond. Ugh.

Anyway, I did leave but went back a couple of times...mostly because I love the farm so much and also because I was hoping to find the man I fell so deeply in love with. Well, as you all, that didn't go so well...it actually got worse. When I tried to move my horse off the farm a couple of weeks ago I actually had to call the police. My 54 yo ex would not stop badgering me about the key to the farmhouse. I told him I would give it back to him after I got my stuff out. He wouldn't leave me alone. Finally I said there is something wrong with you. At that point he jumped in the front seat of my car and snatched my cell phone and a check for a large amount of money he owed me that he had just given me. He kept taunting me....throwing his arms up in the air so I couldn't have them. I would walk away and tell him I was going to call the police. He would relent, say OK, then when I went to get my stuff....arms back in the air. This went on three or four times. Finally, I kept walking to find a phone and he yells to me that I'm insane...really??

I know my story pales in comparison to many here. But it still hurts and I'm still confused. Oddly, about a year ago at a family wedding, each of his parents came up to me at one point and said my ex was difficult to be in a relationship and it takes a strong woman. Stupid me....I said nothing. I didn't ask what they meant. I'm thinking well I am a strong woman so I shouldn't have a problem. A few weeks ago, after much research, I was able to locate a phone no. for his first ex wife. They had been married 14 years and according to him she covertly took her stuff and left one day while he was at work. He came home and thought he had been robbed. What he didn't tell me, which she did was that left that way because when she told him she wanted to leave he threatened to throw all her stuff out the window. Anyway, she was so gracious to talk to me. Her big thing was his anger. She said she felt sorry for me but getting away from him was the best thing that could happen.

Anyway, I have her word, the parents' comments and my therapist insists he is an emotional abuser and I still can't wrap my head around it. Part of me feels very fortunate that this did not go on for years and then part of me wonders if it was really that bad.

Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading.