isha, just because you don't see him paying, yet...doesn't mean he won't. And just because you see a picture of them smiling, happy, doesn't mean they are.

Did you never smile when you were with him, were you not blissful, on the occasions when he was not abusing you? I don't believe he is treating her any differently than he did you. Don't we all try to look happy for the camera?

Just because he appears to be successful, doesn't mean that he isn't building something that won't come crashing down around him.

And in the meantime, are you happy with your life? Do you feel joy that you never felt with him, are you free of abuse? Don't measure your life against his, measure it against what you want, and have created for yourself. Let him GO, even thinking about him and how he's doing is giving him back power over you. Don't go there...

The energy he put out will come back to him. Leave it to the Universe to find the time and place....

Hi Hockeymom..

Thanks for your inspiring words.
About my life, it is not perfect but far better that what I ever had earlier.I feel peace and calm in a relationship which I was not able to feel earlier.So, I am really thankful to God for that!!
Measuring it against what I wanted, I will say I am 8 on 10 on what I wanted my life to be (earlier I will say it was 2 on 10).

I have let him go.But read about him in a newspaper for creating this one of kind company. That rushed evrything back and the result was reading in details about each and everything.

I know I should have ignored the article.But somehow I am unable to find a closure on it.Reading all that only made me feel that since God is on his side, was I at fault then?

I know all this is making no sense.
I just keep replaying one ocassion in my head, we were in a distance relationship, so we were talking on phone.I asked me what scares you the most..He said - "Not being successful in life". Then, I asked him, " Won't you ask, what scares me the most". His reply, "LOSING ME as I am your FIRST LOVE".The fact was he could not have been more correct.But somehow I got face my worst fears and live through it and he got what he had always wanted - success and a doting wife.

I know, I left him, but even that was damn scary and tough.Rather the phase was like living your worst nightmare. Yes, I survived and am in a better place.
But he never even got close to his nightmare.Rather he got what he wanted.

Why does that make me feel that it's just not fair.
Maybe I am being too critical.Sigh....

hockeymom is a wise, wise woman.

Her reply was succinct but pretty much
said it all.

Here's what I would add:


From the outside of his head and his life,
you really can't know what he got, what he
didn't get, what his life is like, what his
days and nights feel like, what he thinks
about as he's trying to get to sleep. You
can't know because you're not inside
his head.

And if all he ends up with in life
is an apparently successful company. . . .

THAT AINT MUCH.


If your life was hell with him,
her's will be, too.


I suggest that you try to do my
Clarifying Index Card exercise.
It's here on DS as Ilene's Clarifying
Index Card exercise. If you can't find
it, let me know and I'll send it to you.

The exercise is a way to be clear about
and remember as often as you need to,
what life with him, was like. Give it a try.

Also, you might benefit by finding a
qualified counselor who can help
you process the feelings from the
past, that are effecting you.

Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.

I was with someone abusive when I was in my early 20s. he was a layabout-always jobless, taking money from me (and I was struggling, working in a cafe, living in a really expensive city)..

I finally got away from him (luckily for me, he met someone else and started cheating on me and broke up with me, but I was glad to get away that easily)..

I got over him quite easily and saw him for what he was: a user and an abuser.

a few years later, what do I hear?

he got into the movie business (set decoration) and was making TONS of money. he met a girl who had a really good job (he used to make me feel badly for having a cafe job and not a 'real' job, even though he was jobless most of the time)..

they had bought a house!!! in that city, buying a house was something that the average person will NEVER do. In fact, I didn't have even one friend or know anybody who owned a house.

it shook me to the core. the bad guy got everything he wanted in the end. and buying a house was something I wanted so badly and was never able to do.

it bothered me quite a bit, but I would try not to think about it..

then, years after that, I heard that he and the girl had broken up. they didn't have the house anymore. he lived with friends.

I (meanly) felt way better.

but even if he stayed with the girl, kept the house...who cares? he's still the abusive asshole that he always was. who needs a house when it's shared with someone so damaged, so evil at his core?

just like your ex..in his company he's still abusive, and that type of personality generally has trouble keeping up the appearance of being normal. he'll crack. and if not, maybe he'll have a nice business, but he still has to wake up with himself every morning.

This may sound a little harsh, but I ask that you sit down and really think about these questions, no matter how much it may upset you.....

If this man has been out of your life for over 4 years, then why are you still beating yourself up over him? Do you realize that you are abusing yourself FOR him?? And he isn't even around? Why do you feel like you don't deserve to have the happiness you now have??

Sometimes, we need someone...ANYONE...to ask us the hard questions....otherwise, we don't grow.

I can understand how you feel. I was in a similar situation years ago. My jerkwad ex who was also abusive too me, got decent promotion, got married and had two kids.
Not even two years later, he lost his job, got thrown out of his home and divorced!
I on the other hand have since gotten married and am happily so and successfully growing a business.
My point here is that your ex will get his turn to pay and you will have the last laugh. Just listen to what everyone else here has said and put your energy towards bettering yourself.

"why are you still beating yourself up over him? Do you realize that you are abusing yourself FOR him?? And he isn't even around? Why do you feel like you don't deserve to have the happiness you now have??"

OMG Jillie, this was profound! I'm going to try and hold on to this for the next time I need it too. It just made a ton of sense!!!

It's very hard for them to keep the asshole inside locked up for so long. Eventually it comes out and people see them for what they are. Mine eventually got the sack from his high paying job.

Yeah, Jillie. . . . .

good stuff.



Part of what an abuser does
is leave a viral legacy. After
the initial attack, they leave
their abuse inside our brain.

They can be gone. They
can be DEAD. But we
hear their words and the
words still sloshing around
in our head, that they injected
for the purpose of abusing us,
continue to abuse us whether
or not they're still their.

You ended your thread with
"Don't know what to believe anymore."


BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE A
FLOWER ON THE STEM
OF THE UNIVERSE
and that YOU'E ENTITLED
TO ALL THAT IS GOOD. .
and that ALL THAT IS GOOD
IS WITHIN YOUR GRASP.

I see where you're coming from and I definitely understand why you're upset... sometimes karma takes a longer time to catch up to someone. Marriages can end in divorce. Companies can go bankrupt. Who knows, things may always look perfect for him from the outside, but that doesn't mean that they actually are or that they will stay that way. Besides, now you're married, it shows that you moved on and you found your own happiness. You THRIVED after the break up, take pride in that!

Thanks Ilene, you were comforting and truly understanding as always.You have been one of the biggest support I had during the tough phase.Please share the Clarifying Index card as I was unable to find it. What you said about leving their abuse in our head was like hitting the nail on the head. Yes, I have become more and more confident. I am happier and their are no longer the lows that I used to feel when I was with him. The backside, I don't think that I will be able to clean all my head with from the crap I have been through. I can move on, be happy and positive. But I will always remember what happened, what I went through..Though it made me stronger and happier, it was still the toughest phase of my life.

Rachel, DKbraymond..Thanks a lotttt for sharing your story..Made me feel I am not the only one.I do not care any more what happens to him...But great to know bad things do happen to good people and good things do happen to bad ones....

Lifebutno, Utterpain, Thanks for understanding what I am being through.It really helps.

Jillie, Thanks for those hard questions..Below are the honest answers to them as this is the only place I can be truly open and honest.

If this man has been out of your life for over 4 years, then why are you still beating yourself up over him?
Yes, he has been out of my life for 4 years but he was in my life for 6 years.6 long years of begging, crying..I have even touched his feets just to forgive me for the mistakes I never did. He flirted with girls infront of me and then I was shouted at for making a scene when I started crying. He took all my friends, called EACH one of them, made them meet him and today they are in contact with him ( I broke up with all of them except one who refused to meet him), so for me four relation ended and not one..I know it was an eye opener to see my friends telling him what a beautiful fiancee(at that time the wife was fiancee) he has. But it was really really too much to take. But I always told myself, HE WILL PAY ONE DAY. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. Reading the success he got, really pi**ed me off...As I started doubting every thing.I am true believer of God and I believe what you do you pay in this life. So the pain I faced and the success he got, what does that say??
But after reading all this realized that God has his own way of working, I should not judge. I Should just let God do the justice because whether I feel something is wrong or right, HE sees the bigger picture and is fair to all.

Do you realize that you are abusing yourself FOR him?? And he isn't even around?
Yes, I do...Noone can understand the abuse they are giving to themself except the one who has been abused and have got out of it.I am not doing this to pain myself.Dailystrength had been like a family to me, where I could just vent and know I am not being judged but only being wrapped up in arms of every one who had been there and have been through this pain. Since I know I was abusing myself for him, I looked for stopping it. Over the weekend I met with my sister and told her everything, cried like hell....She just said one thing - Isha, God has his own ways of balancing things out.Let God do his job and you just trust HIM and know he everybody pays for their sins. So just focus on what you got once you got - you are free from the pain that he would have caused you.So you know God loves you and is fair to all.Today, I am feeling back to happy me and not bitter for what he got.I don't care anymore.

Why do you feel like you don't deserve to have the happiness you now have??
I started doubting what I went through, was that real.If yes, then why is God giving him success and gave me sooo much pain.So started questioning if God is trying to tell me that I got it because I deserved it (her wife did not because she doesn't). But I realized that when I was with him, noone knew what I was going through. So, my focus changed to that God loves me that is why I not only got free from his clutches but am living a far more better life than I would have imagined..

Phewwww..To long a reply..Really sorry for that..But this place is like my Peacezone, where I am just me :-)

Sometimes it does seem like people who are not nice to us. Never get punish but people do reap what they sow

Remind yourself, hon, Abusers Never Change. Your ex is as evil as he ever was, now maybe he has a better mask. I assure you that the woman he is with will be abused. You may be 100% certain of that.

There was an article out recently that estimates that 10% of successful Wall Street workers are narcissists. So just because your ex is successful in business does not mean that he has sorted out his other issues.

Focus on what you have rather than on what you do not have. You have your freedom from abuse and that is priceless.

Hugs to you for better days ahead.

Grace, Wvartgirl..Thanks for the much needed supported. Yes, God has his mysterious way of working but you do pay for your deeds :-)