We all know how overwhelming it can be. Ultimately, it is your choice - you know them, your situation, and yourself better than any of us. It's your call.

That being said, as long as everyone keeps doing the same things, you're going to get the same results. And you can't make anyone else change their steps - and even if you could, you shouldn't. But you can change your own reactions and behavior.

Your folks have demonstrated that they feel it is appropriate for them to give your siblings alcohol. That they can levy big punishments on you for small infractions, go back on their word to you. That it's ok to use fear and intimidation to get you to stop talking to people. It seems you disagree. Good for you. There's nothing wrong with you not being ok with those things. Don't let anyone convince you that you should be ok with them.

Violet, sweetheart, I just saw your status and wondered why you felt that way :(

I`m so sorry you are in the situation that you are in, and although I am not personally familiar with your circumstances, I do know how it feels not to be ready to do something for fear of how it might turn out.

Please don`t be sorry for your feelings. They are what this support group is for. To my knowledge, you have not offended anyone, and I have never seen anything from you that could have.

Please stay and keep talking. Our advice is given, but there is no rule that you must take it. We are giving opinions, but it is your life, your choice.

Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) xxx

v.w. ----

I don't think anyone
needs a written apology.

Speaking for myself, we'd
all just like to see that you
understand what it takes
to get to a better place.

If you can't expose the abuse
your parents are perpetrating,
we're at least hoping that you
can find a qualified therapist
to help guide you to what you
need to do to begin to heal
the injuries your parents
have caused you. Personally,
I hope that if you can do nothing
else, that you at least do THAT.

Please take good care.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.

You have to take your own steps a d in your own time. I myself am moving much slower than my friends would like. It is important to practice selfcare. That's the biggest thing. Know that you are worth far more than you have been given up til now and work to gi e mod ego yourself even if no one else does.
Hugs
Hang in there

Oh sweet violet, as far as I'm concerned you owe no apologies. One of the things I have learned over the years is that we are each on our own path and the time frames for those paths are different. And we get to make our own choices in our own time, too. The great thing about life is that we can always change our minds and the direction of our lives any time we decide to. When we are open to learning (which I think you are), we ask questions, take in information, weigh the pros and cons and decide how that information will help or hurt us (which I think you are doing). I dont judge you, violet. Im just here to offer you support and what knowledge I have.

Im sorry you thought I stopped responding to you. Im not on DS as much as I used to be and there are times I don't respond to posts (including yours) because the other responders have already said what I was going to say.

You are a beautiful soul and a very smart young lady. I understand your fears around reporting your parents - or even saying something to a qualified therapist, who could then possibly say something to child services on your behalf. The fear of the unknown can be terrifying.

Most of us want nothing more than to be loved by our parents and when we grow up, by our significant other. And when that doesnt happen, we usually end up bending over backwards trying to understand what makes them tick and trying to figure out how we can make, or get, them to love us, usually to no avail. We cant stop holding out the hope that maybe, one day, they will change and act like they love us.

I also understand your fear about how they will react when they find out you told. No one can predict for sure and it probably wont be easy. But, what if you wrote down the pros and cons of telling on one piece of paper and the pros and cons of not telling on another paper? You might see something you hadnt thought of.

Something else to consider, no matter what you do (whether you tell or not) they arent going to get better as long as they 1. dont recognize they need help, 2. don't get help and 3. dont accept the help (i.e. do their work).

Since you are still in school, IMHO, it is important to take the time to create a safe plan for yourself to leave even if youre not ready yet or you never use it. Having the plan in place and knowing its there when you are ready, can provide you with a sense of security that would ease some of your fears.

Part of the plan is educating your self. One of the ways to do that, especially around the fears you have about what whether or not a therapist would tell, is by asking questions and checking w/your state agencies who govern licensed and qualified therapists as to what is required in mandated reporting. You can also ask about the different things that could happen once they were reported.

Sending you big hugs...

Thank you all so much. I'm going to be honest. I almost made the decision to keep everything in and not post on here anymore. I know I shouldn't have thought that. But after I got a message on here from someone today it hurt me that I wanted to cry. And I thought none of you would want to listen to me. Because I thought I drove all of you away.

violet, I'm so glad you checked in with us before making your decision. And I'm really happy you are going to keep posting. :-) ~big hugs~

You guys are like my family. I love you all. I wish I could bring myself to do something though. I'm afraid my boyfriend night end up either one day going off on my parents (especially mom) or eventually telling his parents. He almost did but something (I can't remember what) stopped him from doing so.

V - please don't apologize. I am so sorry I haven't been on the boards much. Please know it is not you. You haven't driven me away. I understand the fear and being scared to make a move - and yet I can only imagine that at your tender age how hard it must be when it's at the hands of your parents.

As the others said, we are here to listen, empathize and offer up advice. We speak from experience and knowledge so we are truly being supportive and try and help each other down a healthier, happier path - because it is difficult to do alone.

You have to make a move - wether that be reaching out for help to someone qualified and trained in these situations, finding a therapist who specializes in abuse - in your own time frame. When you're ready. When we gently nudge, it's because from the outside looking in its so crystal clear to us how poorly you are being treated. And it hurts to see it.

Until you are ready, please continue to practice self-care. Emotionally pull away from your parents. Practice on not letting their words hurt you, bring you down, think less of yourself. Because that will only keep you stuck longer and impede your progress of building up your self esteem, and confidence. Continue to make a plan to leave. What would you need to do in order for that to happen - get a job, save money, continue w your education, then look to move out and break free. The more you start taking control over your life and visualizing your future away from home, the more empowering you will feel. You need to visualize yourself out of there and trust in yourself that you can do it.

Sending strength, healing thoughts, and hugs, xoxo

Thanks NM1. I have to be honest again w/ u and everyone else and admit that I almost cut myself last night because I thought if driven everyone away.

Sweetie. . . . .

Please,
please,
please,
please,
PLEASE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

get yourself connected
with a qualified therapist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.

You don't need to feel sorry about this. It is human nature to seek attachments in order to survive and be reluctant to sever those ties.

Humans (and most other mammals animals to my knowledge) are programmed from before birth to seek and form an attachment to their parents or primary caregiver(s). It's a way of making sure the young of a species are more likely to survive by having them feel such a powerful attachment to the figure(s) that are generally the ones most likely to protect and guide them safely into adulthood.

This even occurs in situations where such an attachment is clearly detrimental to the young. For example: Baby birds could imprint on a cat upon hatching. Even if they saw the cat eating their siblings they would likely still follow it around due to the hardwired drive to attach to a primary caregiver.

It's easy to see how this can happen with humans too.

Despite our higher cognitive abilities and reasoning skills as humans we still have these basic survival instincts, and it can be difficult to go against them. (Harry Harlow's experiment with baby monkeys demonstrated this pretty well.)

My advice at this point would be to find a way to shift your attachment to a healthier/safer figure(s). This could be a caring relative or perhaps your boyfriend and/or his family if they are supportive. You may find it helpful to turn to a therapist or reputable counselor to help you with this.

If you are able to shift your attachment to a safer and more supportive individual/group then it should be easier for you to get the help you and your siblings need.

If I may, I'd like to offer a suggestion. I know that it must be very difficult, but it may be good to stop worrying so much about your siblings, and focus instead on you. Is there perhaps something you could do to change your situation that isn't quite so drastic a change, but over time, will result in opportunity for growth for you? More hours at work would give you time away from home, and more money with which to plan an escape. A class or group might provide time with your peers in a supportive environment, and learning a new skill never goes unwasted.

Ultimately, although it's good to have supportive friends (and a life saver at times, I know!), your goal is to trust yourself to provide that support you need. Once you learn to do that, and hold tight to that... no one will be able to take it from you, and you'll always have as much care and support as you want.