Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Boy, it's been a while since I posted.
I'm kind of in a strange place right now:
My wife filed for separation (according to her, to make sure that I have to supply child support and, if she moves, alimony; also as a tactic to get me to change my mind and attitude.) Specifically, what she wants to see change in me is: relinquish my request that she not go on vacation with the kids and without me anymore; stop walking away from her when she ignores or belittles me; and stop pointing out when she says something hurtful to/about me.
She's starting to feel the pressure of the consequences she's earned - she's starting to look at moving out of my Dad's house, beginning to come to terms with the fact that she'll be a single parent (other than my weekends - I managed to get them to 3 nights every other week) and that she'll need to get a job. it's all my fault, and account of my stubbornness and refusal to make the above concessions, naturally.
I won't deny that I still REALLY hope that she'll see the light and open her eyes. I miss being at home, I miss having a wife, I miss the illusion. But I know I cannot healthily agree to her terms, and they're so outrageous that I shouldn't even consider them carefully. Not a fun place to be, and the pressure is incredible. She's lamenting publicly about how dreadful it is that her marriage is falling apart, and how she sees that both of us are being stubborn - and hopefully there will be a change in that, soon.
Boy, the pressure. I'm as out as I'm going to be able to be for now - the only contact I still have with her non child-related is MC, which does little than offer her more of a chance to further wear me down. But to give it up is to give up that last shred of hope that anything can be changed. Which, I'm not there yet.
I'm kind of in a strange place right now:
My wife filed for separation (according to her, to make sure that I have to supply child support and, if she moves, alimony; also as a tactic to get me to change my mind and attitude.) Specifically, what she wants to see change in me is: relinquish my request that she not go on vacation with the kids and without me anymore; stop walking away from her when she ignores or belittles me; and stop pointing out when she says something hurtful to/about me.
She's starting to feel the pressure of the consequences she's earned - she's starting to look at moving out of my Dad's house, beginning to come to terms with the fact that she'll be a single parent (other than my weekends - I managed to get them to 3 nights every other week) and that she'll need to get a job. it's all my fault, and account of my stubbornness and refusal to make the above concessions, naturally.
I won't deny that I still REALLY hope that she'll see the light and open her eyes. I miss being at home, I miss having a wife, I miss the illusion. But I know I cannot healthily agree to her terms, and they're so outrageous that I shouldn't even consider them carefully. Not a fun place to be, and the pressure is incredible. She's lamenting publicly about how dreadful it is that her marriage is falling apart, and how she sees that both of us are being stubborn - and hopefully there will be a change in that, soon.
Boy, the pressure. I'm as out as I'm going to be able to be for now - the only contact I still have with her non child-related is MC, which does little than offer her more of a chance to further wear me down. But to give it up is to give up that last shred of hope that anything can be changed. Which, I'm not there yet.
From what I can gather, this woman at least has narcissistic tendencies. And the thing about people who have too many of those is that their eyes are already fully open in their own way, but not in yours or mine - their brains are fatally broken. They believe they are in the right all the time, even if their words appear to be telling you otherwise.
She pushes, and you push back to defend yourself. That's where the stalemate is coming from. But here's the thing: a narcissistic type will keep up their offensive, and only give it up if they see that they have irretrievably 'lost'. At which point they will not hang around; their shame and rage at the intolerable injury of being bested will prompt them to either drop you like a ton weight and flee, or punish you for showing them up.
I promise you, if you give them an inch, they will take a hundred miles...and drag you through the dirt the whole way. I've seen it, and been in it more than once. You are absolutely right - not fun.
I predict that what awaits you in indulging her further is more insulting and demeaning behaviour BECAUSE of the leeway she is being allowed. Otherwise known as 'milking'. Hence the public declarations and melodramatics.
Please do not lose sight of the fact that all the time, YOU are suffering more of the same. If you were to give enough distance and move back, it may be better for a week, maybe two. Then it may be worse than ever before. They don't like being made to lose their victim, and will often punish once you are under control again.
I feel I would be doing you a disservice not to state these things.
Good luck and hugs...
you're going through.
I understand your reluctance
to give up hope.
I hope that you and your
children will come out
in a place that's been
better than the life you've
had to this point.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
Take good care!
I can relate to the pressure aspect and how real that pressure feels constantly. She is the one who has acted impulsively...you can now show the face of reason and stability but not reacting to her demands and emotional pleas. I have learned great value in waiting before replying or reacting to H's behavior. They act so erratically and hurtfully that the obvious reaction is to meet them where they're at. But that kind of thing will drive you crazy bc they are in a crazy spot that doesn't make sense.
Choose your actions rather than react to her. You are a sensible, thoughtful person and I just get a sense she's really trying to rattle you.
I hope things turn around for you soon. I do thank you for checking in, as I have wondered how you were doing.
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))