Bax, While I am not in your situation, I do identify with the feeling of being so alone. It is torture to be alone with the painful memories and thoughts and have no one you can trust to talk to. To feel as if your literally on a wheel like a hamster just spinning round and round and you just want to get off the wheel.
I wish I could offer advice, but I just don't know what to say. And I never was one to sugarcoat things. I think some days are just a struggle and we just have to use our strength to hang in there and at the least know that someone out there does care and wishes they could help.
Words fail me today, I am sorry. Please try to take care of yourself, however you can and keep posting on here. Hugs going out...

You know, the only thing keeping me afloat right now are the contacts and resources and friendships I amassed after my last abusive relationship. Specifically, this website which I was already a member of from my previous relationship. It sounds like your wife has controlled your social atmosphere, and that's a huge resource that was taken away from you. friendships are important. And friendships that are separate from your spouse or significant other are important, even for non-abusive relationships. I'm glad to hear you are still trying to reach out, even if you are not having success just yet.

The other issue - that's a trap. I think eventually we need to build up enough strength and self confidence that we are doing the right thing, and recognize the traps for what they are. I'm working on that now. Breaking off with my girlfriend would destroy her. Telling her I no longer want to have a child with her would destroy her. But I think the latter is inevitable, and the former is likely. And when either happens I am sure to endure barrage of how much of an immature ass I am for breaking promises, lying, misleading, etc. And I fear the worst case scenario of changing phone numbers, restraining orders, and being the type of authoritative person I never thought I would have to be.

The reality is, you wouldn't be hurting her. You aren't responsible for her reactions, for her feelings. You are WELL within your personal rights to ask for a divorce. If she is "shattered" that's on her, not on you.

I agree w/Kevin, especially about the trap. It's time to take care of you. It won't be easy, but you can and will make it thru the divorce, if that's what you decide. It will take a deep concerted effort to make sure you have good coping tools, but you can get those in therapy. You might contact your local mental health agency to get names of therapists who charge on a sliding scale basis.

There are two national divorce/breakup support groups and chances are at least one of them will be close enough to you to join. They are both very inexpensive and offer scholarships. One of them offers concurrent meetings for kids.

One is Rebuiding (www.rebuilding.org) which I highly recommend and the other is DivorceCare (www.divorcecare.com). This will give you a chance to meet others going thru breakups and Rebuilding, especially, offers guest speakers who are usually in the mental health field as well as small group discussions and offers healthy coping tools. Divorce Care is Bible based and uses videos & workbooks & group discussion. While non-denominational, it is, IMHO, very religious and doesn't seem to offer many coping skills.

Many churches, hospitals & parks & rec depts offer various support groups. You could even try attending CODA (codependents anonymous) for support & coping skills.

For a social outlet, have you considered checking w/your local library to see which groups meet there? You could join a discussion group or a book club, or try meetup.com, to see what type of groups meet in your area. Some churches have social groups.

I'm really sorry you are having to go thru all of this. I know it's not easy. Please take good care of yourself.

Sending you strength-filled hugs...

((HUGS))

Great replies already.

I also agree with Kevin. How someone else feels - especially when you have done NOTHING wrong - is not on you.

And let me put this in a way that I hope may ease your sense of guilt: if she can be so detached from the fact that you are suffering such pain within the marriage, then she would still be capable of that if you were to leave it. Any accusation of 'giving up' if you divorced her, would only serve to prove that detachment still existed, and further underline her or other people's failure to understand the effects of her behaviour upon you.

Am I making any sense?

I also have a small story for you. It concerns what I wrote in my journal once about it sometimes being necessary to break agreements to be true to yourself and others.

One of my mother's cousins, a decent man, asked his wife for a divorce because he was no longer happy in their marriage, and had met someone else. He was not cruel to his wife; he talked to her about his feelings and was honest with her. Yet some in my family derided him for not staying. They would have had him lie to both his wife and himself that they were still 'happy'. I think he did one of the bravest things a person can do: he admitted that something was wrong, and opted to move towards life rather than perpetuating the pain.

It sounds easy to say, but I don't say this to make you feel that you 'should' do anything; only to point out that 'people' will always talk. The general 'they' are great at commenting on things they do not understand and criticising others who make choices they have never had to face. Even if they have been in a similar situation before, they don't have the right to judge. This is YOUR turn to choose the path that you want, for your unique circumstances.

You are a good and considerate husband, father, and friend. Those things just 'are', no matter what insinuations others try to make. Evidence of these truths piles up on this site every time you write something on it. You would not be putting such care into your decisions if you did not embody these roles :)

But what about you? The you beneath those roles? We are not only what we give to others. This I have learned the hard way. Perhaps if you take steps purely for yourself for once, confident in the knowledge that you do NOT have bad intentions towards others, you will find the things you seek?

Sorry for the length, LOL! Take care of yourself xxx

Im so sorry you are struggling right now, Bax. Someone close to me has told me many times that nothing worth doing is easy, The only way to get out of pain is through it. No shortcuts :( I know it is very hard but please take good care of you.

So much good wisdom,
(as always).

Bax. . . . I'll only add
that you'll take the
action you're ready
to take, when you
feel ready to take it.

Sending you my
best thoughts
and wishes.

Take good care.

It really stinks to feel stuck. I get what you're saying on many levels. Remember change happens slow and you are moving forward, just by being here and processing this stuff is moving forward. To borrow from the addiction community, one day at a time. When I start "spinning" as I call it, thinking about all the heaviness and seemingly impossibility of this, I try to remind myself it's about getting through today. What can I do today, at this moment to feel better that won't be hurting myself. And come up with one thing that you feel proud or good about. That helps too. Many hugs to you Bax!

Thank you all. Today is going better than the last few days have. I hope I'm not overly concerning anyone, but I am glad you're all here to confide in. I really appreciate it.