Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Thankfully, this isn't anyone else. Just me.
Unfortunately, it isn't anyone else. Just me.
I'll be going through my day, not too bad. getting things done. Then bam.
No triggers, no warning.
Isolated. I'll be sitting in a room with other people, talking to them, but I feel completely wild-eyed and panicked. That I need to talk with someone. Anyone. About anything. Although i've found that deeper conversations have a greater impact, and put it off longer.
My heart feels black and purple within my chest, and feels like it wants to burst out. It physically hurts. But at the same time, I'm terrified to reach out to anyone. I don't want to spread the poison of my depression. My legs shake, my breath gets short, and my head gets light. I'll try to contact a few people, but they're always busy.
I know that when this gets really bad... it's really bad. It's scary. And I hate it. A year ago, I had friends I could contact. Now they're trying to destroy me.
The one thing I know for certain fixes it is time spent with my kids. But that also means time spent with my wife. Which is also enjoyable. But dangerous. I also don't want my emotions to drive me to make mistakes.
But it sucks enduring these waves of black dispair and lonliness.
So, here I am again. Thanks for listening.
Unfortunately, it isn't anyone else. Just me.
I'll be going through my day, not too bad. getting things done. Then bam.
No triggers, no warning.
Isolated. I'll be sitting in a room with other people, talking to them, but I feel completely wild-eyed and panicked. That I need to talk with someone. Anyone. About anything. Although i've found that deeper conversations have a greater impact, and put it off longer.
My heart feels black and purple within my chest, and feels like it wants to burst out. It physically hurts. But at the same time, I'm terrified to reach out to anyone. I don't want to spread the poison of my depression. My legs shake, my breath gets short, and my head gets light. I'll try to contact a few people, but they're always busy.
I know that when this gets really bad... it's really bad. It's scary. And I hate it. A year ago, I had friends I could contact. Now they're trying to destroy me.
The one thing I know for certain fixes it is time spent with my kids. But that also means time spent with my wife. Which is also enjoyable. But dangerous. I also don't want my emotions to drive me to make mistakes.
But it sucks enduring these waves of black dispair and lonliness.
So, here I am again. Thanks for listening.
Have you ever tried doing guided imagery? There are some very good ones out there that help you create an internal 'safe' place that you can go to even in a crowd. While I'm not in any way affiliated w/her, you might check out Belleruth Naperstek's website www.healthjourneys.com. It has a free download for a 15 minute guided imagery that you can try and see if its something that might be helpful. I use several of her cd's, including the one for PTSD & they have been very helpful.
I've been a little this way the past few weeks. I may be having a decent day, but suddenly I can't stand being alone, even when I am in a place with other people.
All I can suggest is find an outlet - whether it be a going for a walk, having a daydream, or listening to music.
I think I have felt something similar. Have started to feel that I 'must' go outside each day and be among and talk to others, or else the day feels somehow empty and useless cos it was just me, being silent and alone indoors. I almost panic if I don't go, fearful that the silence will swallow me and the enormity of my emotions will engulf me. Not nice.
All I can really offer is empathy and compassion. Take care of yourself - we are here xx
What would it take for you to betray a loved one? To turn your back on a friend weeping in the dust? To encourage people to ignore someone who is alone? To erase a person's personality so that they might not be able to do anything to ever hurt you? To convene in secret and exile someone, without even a word of explanation? To whisper dark lies about an innocent person, just to see them writhe? To rejoice in the tears of a gentle, trusting soul? To thrill in twisting the dagger just... that... little... bit......more? Not just to do what is vile, but to relish it? To embrace a hatred of one you once stood proudly beside?
Seriously. What would it take? Everyone's got their price. Their limit. What would it take to make you hate someone? Would a lie do it? Guilt? Fear? Money? Sorrow? Anger? Would the knife in the back do it? What about the crushing black weight of being completely alone? The certainty of a life laid to ruin, smoking and destroyed? The threat of overwhelming opposition, of unsurmountable odds? The certainty of failure?
What would it take for you to set out to destroy someone who loved you?