Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok. The nightmare of court is behind me (for the most part, although the shadow still looms) for the rest of the year. My wife is still in my life, but I came up with a new boundary/demand last night, which is hard, but it's a powerful one, even if a little selfish.
I've asked friends over. They've agreed, but had to cancel three times now. Three other older friends have responded to my 'How are you doing today?" with the equivalent of "Busy. Talk to you later." Still others have blocked me on facebook without a word. Asked someone out. Turned down.
It's becoming clear to me that the people in my life are no going to be any sort of support that I'd like. Therefore, I need to meet new people - and the best way I know to do that is to be in shows. I've got two auditions lined up for next week - One with a new company which puts on really challenging pieces. I've worked with the artistic director before. The show is about an emotional abuser who terrorizes the woman who kicked him out. It would be rough, but I must admit, I'd be heart-wrenching and terrifying in the role.
The other is Shrek at a major dinner theatre near here. For the role of Shrek. It runs all summer next summer, and is paid. I could do wonders with that role, too.
Auditions are rarely an encouraging process. Even if you're called back, you pour your heart out, let the director see you at your most vulnerable, do your best work, and then your skin is a little too dark to work well with the lady the director wants to cast opposite you, so better luck next time. It's demeaning, brutal, and discouraging. But I'm skilled. Somewhere out there is a role I'll be cast in, and then I can shine, meet new people, and show new crowds exactly what I'm capable of.
But yeah, I'm scared out of my mind:)
I've asked friends over. They've agreed, but had to cancel three times now. Three other older friends have responded to my 'How are you doing today?" with the equivalent of "Busy. Talk to you later." Still others have blocked me on facebook without a word. Asked someone out. Turned down.
It's becoming clear to me that the people in my life are no going to be any sort of support that I'd like. Therefore, I need to meet new people - and the best way I know to do that is to be in shows. I've got two auditions lined up for next week - One with a new company which puts on really challenging pieces. I've worked with the artistic director before. The show is about an emotional abuser who terrorizes the woman who kicked him out. It would be rough, but I must admit, I'd be heart-wrenching and terrifying in the role.
The other is Shrek at a major dinner theatre near here. For the role of Shrek. It runs all summer next summer, and is paid. I could do wonders with that role, too.
Auditions are rarely an encouraging process. Even if you're called back, you pour your heart out, let the director see you at your most vulnerable, do your best work, and then your skin is a little too dark to work well with the lady the director wants to cast opposite you, so better luck next time. It's demeaning, brutal, and discouraging. But I'm skilled. Somewhere out there is a role I'll be cast in, and then I can shine, meet new people, and show new crowds exactly what I'm capable of.
But yeah, I'm scared out of my mind:)
This deserves a huge congratulations. This will help you to move mountains and get ahead.
Good luck on all your auditions!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))
It's also great that you're doing something that gives pleasure and a sense of personal satisfaction. One of my favorite quotes, from Joseph Campbell is: "Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." I know your situation is still difficult, and the shadow is still looming, but making new friends and finding your joy again is a very good thing. Good luck!
Take control and find your joy. And try not to get too disheartened (I have to be on a job search soon, and job interviews make me feel a little the way you described auditions - even though I do understand there isn't the personal vulnerability in an ordinary job interview, it still feels that way to me ... I HATE them. So much kudos to you for taking such a huge step).
Kevin has great suggestions.... for me as well..... do all you can ... And avoid those who want to keep you stuck. "
Way to go!!!!!!!
Blessings on
your healing journey/
Just breathing right now.
My co-workers say, "It is great you can leave work on time and go do whatever you want....."
It doesn't feel very great to open those school doors and walk outside in the great bright fresh air and have nothing to tell me what to do , no expectations, no plan, no anything....
But a few days this week I made a plan for leaving work....I was not going to walk out in the great bright air and feel lost every day!
The next few hours did go better....and slowly but surely I am trying to make plans that last more than an hour....
I think maybe we just have to work at the basics for a while---- until the basics come natural without someone telling us what we are allowed to do....
For example--- I made another trip to the grocery store and bought a few more things without putting stuff back and/or walking out empty handed.... I spent $24 this time.... on food I like.... granted now I have to work on eating it (cooking some of it).... but until this becomes a normal thing.....It is a big thing worth celebrating when I do it....celebrate the little things.....
When I was recently out, I was very depressed, frightened, the lot. I had a baby to look after, a house to keep and a job to go to and I just felt I couldn't do any of it, much less all of it. So I would give myself a pat on the back just for getting the baby off to daycare and myself off to work. If it wasn't a work day, I'd celebrate the achievement of managing a load of laundry on top of feeding and otherwise tending to the baby - even if I didn't manage vacuuming the floors or mopping out the bathrooms or any of the other things I needed to do.
Focus on the good, focus on the things you have achieved, rather than the things you have failed to (or are afraid you will fail to) achieve.
Bax, you have taken some really big steps to get yourself out there into a new life. Congratulate yourself for that, knowing how hard it is. Celebrate your achievement - celebrate it now. The achievement of setting up the auditions in the middle of how you are feeling. If you don't get them, deal with the disappointment then, not now. Right now, celebrate the achievement.