I do, and I hear others saying the same thing! For me, it's like, I know her weaknesses and kind of want to take care of her like a child. That doesn't work in real life of course, but that feeling comes up.

Yes, very normal. I can describe mine as sad for us and sad for him because he's not doing anything to help himself and sad for our family because he's hurting our adult children. I can also get mad at him for screwing things up. IF he had been who he made himself out to be, we coulda had a great life, but he wasn't that person. I do feel sorry for him. But then I understand that he doesn't have feelings in the same way I do, so I have to remind myself that I'm projecting my feelings onto him. I also know that I'm codependent and need to focus on me and how I feel and allow him to have his own journey in this life.

Yes. I totally do. And it's human nature, I guess - like ooooo says, you see their weaknesses. We are programmed to respond with empathy towards each other. That is why personality disorders are called disorders - they are the exceptions to the human emotional and psychological norms.

Several of the men I have been involved with appeared to be SO emotionally clueless and blind that it crippled a lot of their relationships with others. They complained of loneliness, yet claimed not to know why it befell them. The truth? They were selfish. And although the tears would start whenever you left them alone, they WOULD NOT behave well enough to keep a satisfactory relationship going when you were there.

I reached a point where I realised I could not carry on sustaining a relationship based on 'feeling sorry for' someone. You don't marry someone because of pity; so why should you stay based on it, knowing you will never have an equal partner?

I do understand what you mean, though - those feelings are very familiar to me, from more than one relationship xx

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! It is really good to know it is not only me.

I have told him we only will communicate via text or email and nothing more and that anything beyond the kids is not appropriate to talk to him about. He tries to tell me that my relationships are his business because they impact the kids..... I told him that he gave him his concerns once, as I did him, but the difference between him and I is 2 things..... 1. I never brought it up again to him, and 2. Unlike him, I never gave him a reason to think I would put anyone before my kids.

And that is how he gets me to talk about things, no matter how I try to bring it back to my original request and it circles around to him and he starts crying and that is when these feelings I have start.

You know, he's right that a relationship you have will impact the kids. But you are their mother and will introduce a new man into their lives (I would guess) in an appropriate manner. It is not his business to tell you when or how or if to do it! Mine tried to do that with me, trying to tell me I couldn't live with another man until our daughter was 16 years old! (She was 4 at the time.)

Yours doesn't care about the impact on the kids! He cares about the impact on him and, mostly, about using it to control you!!

I went through a stage where my predominant feelings were sadness and pity for him. I've been through a lot of different feeling stages, but that was definitely one of them.

Oh yeah of course, I felt similar. Mine would manifest inside my head of thoughts "I just can't believe it, I'm gutter"

And I never wanted him back, not once!!

I think it's coming to terms with the very FACT that the man he was didn't exist at all and it's part of the shock and I uses to verry sadness and pity

I'm gutted ******

Not gutter

I have felt like that, but since then I realized that he's where he's at for a reason - because he was unable to treat me right even after being warned that his behavior was abusive. I gave him plenty of time to change, but he didn't.

There are many stages we have to pass through during our grieving process, and compassion is one that comes naturally to us. But I'm like you... I wouldn't consider those feelings to be a reason to reunite.

Thank you everyone! It is really great having so much support from so many wonderful people like you all! I am so thankful for you all!!! Sometimes it is really hard for people who have not experienced what we have to understand and it can make it difficult to try to talk to them about it and when you do, it gives more reason to start second guessing and self doubt.

I am trying to take it day by day.

It started last night, when he called to tell me the tutor was at his house for my son's first tutor session, he didn't really have to call but of course he had an agenda. After he "communicated" about our son, he then said "when are you going to stop playing around and come and live in my house so we can be a happy family again"....... My response "Ok, I'm gonna go", he said "Why?", I said "I'm watching a TV show, have a good night" and he was forced to end the call.

Baby steps, baby steps, hope I can be this strong ongoing. =(

I think that may be part of the FOG.
http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/FOG.html

I feel the same way. I haven't left yet but I am planning on it. Part of me feels so guilty because I feel like I am giving up on him and I want to help him.