Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have done something very similar to Illene's clarifying index cards but I am still really struggling with seeing things as I think they are because I am second guessing myself.
It is really crazy how just one month ago I was so clear headed and saw everything so clearly and now I am second guessing myself, wondering if it is me, if I am crazy, etc. etc. etc. Since agreeing to go to marriage counseling I feel like everyday something else is said by my husband to make me feel not good enough, not responsible, not a good wife or mother. I am starting to think about what my husband says and I find myself seriously asking, is he right?
He does clean and cook, but so do I. I never complain about what he does or doesn't do. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow that we agreed to go to marriage counseling and I have 9 handwritten pages of scenarios where he said things that I feel degraded me. But at the same time I sit here and wonder, is he right? Should I be doing more? Am I being a bad mother because I don't get up promptly at 9am to cook my kids breakfast even though they are barely awake themselves and haven't yet asked for breakfast, etc. etc.
He never came out and said I am being oversensitive lately but I am starting to think maybe I am. Am I taking his comments too literally? I find myself not wanting to do things just because he made comments about me not doing them (right when he expected), does that make me a bad wife?
Am I not giving it a fair shot because I am expecting him to love me and show me he loves me unconditionally? I feel like everything in our relationship is based on conditions like, if I clean he will love me, or if I do things when he wants me to he will love me. Is it supposed to be like this?
By the way I talk about my husband wanting things clean you would think we live in "Horders buried alive", however it is the complete opposite. Our house for the most part is very clean minus a few things out here and there and not everything is as organized as he would like, especially in comparison to some friends we know who you walk into their house and it looks like a tornado went through it and they are stay at home parents.
Today my mom went to the hospital, she is being admitted because she has a kidney stone that is so large it is blocking the tube, my mom lives 1 hour south of me, I called my husband to tell him I would be going to the hospital to see my mom and he said, sure, if that is what you want to do, I asked if he was sure it was ok that he got the kids and I went and he said, yes, but said you might want to wait to see what happens because you know how your family is "they over-react to everything" and it might already be resolved before you leave work. Well, he has gotten to me I don't know why and now I am not going.
Please honestly tell me if I am over thinking things or wrong in anyway to think this is not how a healthy relationship should be. Is what he says something I should take into consideration as a marriage that is 50/50? Is that a 50/50 marriage? I feel like I am going crazy all over again. ='(
It is really crazy how just one month ago I was so clear headed and saw everything so clearly and now I am second guessing myself, wondering if it is me, if I am crazy, etc. etc. etc. Since agreeing to go to marriage counseling I feel like everyday something else is said by my husband to make me feel not good enough, not responsible, not a good wife or mother. I am starting to think about what my husband says and I find myself seriously asking, is he right?
He does clean and cook, but so do I. I never complain about what he does or doesn't do. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow that we agreed to go to marriage counseling and I have 9 handwritten pages of scenarios where he said things that I feel degraded me. But at the same time I sit here and wonder, is he right? Should I be doing more? Am I being a bad mother because I don't get up promptly at 9am to cook my kids breakfast even though they are barely awake themselves and haven't yet asked for breakfast, etc. etc.
He never came out and said I am being oversensitive lately but I am starting to think maybe I am. Am I taking his comments too literally? I find myself not wanting to do things just because he made comments about me not doing them (right when he expected), does that make me a bad wife?
Am I not giving it a fair shot because I am expecting him to love me and show me he loves me unconditionally? I feel like everything in our relationship is based on conditions like, if I clean he will love me, or if I do things when he wants me to he will love me. Is it supposed to be like this?
By the way I talk about my husband wanting things clean you would think we live in "Horders buried alive", however it is the complete opposite. Our house for the most part is very clean minus a few things out here and there and not everything is as organized as he would like, especially in comparison to some friends we know who you walk into their house and it looks like a tornado went through it and they are stay at home parents.
Today my mom went to the hospital, she is being admitted because she has a kidney stone that is so large it is blocking the tube, my mom lives 1 hour south of me, I called my husband to tell him I would be going to the hospital to see my mom and he said, sure, if that is what you want to do, I asked if he was sure it was ok that he got the kids and I went and he said, yes, but said you might want to wait to see what happens because you know how your family is "they over-react to everything" and it might already be resolved before you leave work. Well, he has gotten to me I don't know why and now I am not going.
Please honestly tell me if I am over thinking things or wrong in anyway to think this is not how a healthy relationship should be. Is what he says something I should take into consideration as a marriage that is 50/50? Is that a 50/50 marriage? I feel like I am going crazy all over again. ='(
My opinion, it was your gut that told you, you should go to the hospital to see your Mom. It was the right thing to do, yet he manipulated you out of it.
There has been a discussion on being oversensitive and EVERYONE decided there is NO such thing.
I am so sad he has you doubting everything all over again.
I wish you well.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
and feeling crazy
are traditional
indicators of
abuse.
You just wrote us
an eight paragraph
description of the
things that are
troubling you.
What does
that tell you?
Hugs and
healing prayers.
But I'd like to point out that from what I know, abusers typically make the rules and then decide whether or not you are following them. And then they punish or try to set you right based on their own perception of you through their own rules.
Criticism of household chores seems to be commonplace with abuse. And the one criticizing usually rarely lifts a finger. I bet your husband complains about messes, yet has 100 excuses why he can't help clean them up. I've been in that situation twice. The first time, it was endless criticism of how I kept house, took care of my things, how I dressed, etc. Sure I am no neat freak and I can get behind on some tasks, but part of the reason I was behind was because I was spending so much time taking care of her needs or her son's needs. Her apartment was clean only because she made her son clean it, and shoved all her junk into a disorganized storage room. I'm facing a similar situation now - criticism for things not being organized in my house (which is actually no worse than average) and complaining that she is unorganized because of my things in the way. In reality, much of that is not getting done because I am too busy tending to her needs, while she lays in bed or is on facebook or on the phone, making remarks about not feeling well.
And like you, I sometimes get onto the train of thought that I am the cause of all this. But when I really look at it objectively, I see that both women have low self image, and project their insecurities onto me. I suspect your husband is the same - his expectations are way too high and he simply hates who he is, so he projects that onto you.
I read the entire post and I feel that you made a HUGE mistake in doing this....
I asked if he was sure it was ok that he got the kids and I went and he said, yes, but said you might want to wait to see what happens because you know how your family is "they over-react to everything" and it might already be resolved before you leave work. Well, he has gotten to me I don't know why and now I am not going.
You HAVE to take your power back, Confused!!!!
You are free to make your own choices. You are free to do what you want to do!
Your husband is who he is. He can have his opinion and think that you should be a million different things. That is HIS reality.
It's ok to disagree with him. You can feel good about your decisions. You don't have to have his approval!
He can do many many great things for you and your family. He can earn money. He can mow the lawn. He can watch the kids!! I'm sure the guy has many qualities that might add to a nice family life... and when he does those things you can appreciate it!
What you DON'T have to do is let his crazy opinions.. like the house should be like this.. you should cook like this... You should be like this... etc.. effect you!
You're free to be who you want to be, Confused!
Don't "ASK' him, confused! You TELL him what your choices are. You have every right in the world to live you life as you want to.. as long as you are following the golden rule, it's all good.
Take your power back!
Trust your gut; know that the fact you are confused and can write 8 paragraphs about why, shows there is something seriously wrong; and you need to take your power back.
You have given him so much power over your thoughts and perceptions that he doesn't even have to tell you that you can't do something, all he has to do is "point out" that your whole family "over-react to everything", thus reinforcing your own fear that you are over-reacting to everything. Your mother is in the hospital - it's not over-reacting to want to visit her. Quitting your job and putting your house on the market so you can go move in with her and become her full time carer because she had a kidney stone, sure THAT may be over reacting - but going to visit her in the hospital? Nope. Especially when she's only an hour away. He should be encouraging you to do what you feel is right, rather than telling you (if indirectly) that what you want to do is stupid, wrong, selfish, over-reacting. And putting your entire family down in the process.
As for the 50/50 thing, how do you think he'd react if you criticised everything about him?
Love shouldn't be earned by chores, like some kind of wage. Think about your kids. I'm quite sure they don't always do as they are told, does whether they do their chores/homework/whatever determine how much you love them on any given day? That's not how love works.