Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok. Let me start this by saying that I have been in ZERO contact with my ex for almost two months. I have been finding strength from everywhere I can muster and I haven't contacted him once. We have been back and forth for 6 1/2 years and I always leave or he leaves and one of us finds a way to weasel back in. I am guilty of that myself, its like I let a weak moment rule and I will contact him and then jump right back on the roller-coaster.
I went to Miami for my friends birthday last weekend. She just moved into the same building where his parents own a place. I spent probably the most horrific week of my life there with him this past summer where he left me there and I had to fly out alone. It has bad memories and a lot of associations with him. I thought I could handle it, and I knew his parents rarely went so I thought it would be tough but I would pull through it...another test of strength.
Before I went I looked him up on the internet, something I hadn't done either. I found out that he had been released from his NHL team and would most likely be heading back to Russia (where he played for the past two seasons). Some how that opened the flood gates on the compulsion and obsession again. I knew that he would be devastated because this was basically his last shot of having a pro hockey career. I got to Miami and was surrounded with him. Every where I turned. Then we were all sitting by the pool and I saw the sliding door open in there condo, my heart sank into my stomach. Could it be him? Nope, it was his father who I was lucky to see walking around all Saturday. His family lives on the other side of town at home so the chances of running in to them are very slim. It was a horrible feeling to see him. It made me think about him the whole time and started to obsess.
When I first got to the complex it was overwhelming. I started to feel for him and miss him. So I had a couple drinks and decided to text him. The text basically said that I am here for him if he ever needs me because I know he is going through a hard time. WHY WHY WHY WHY???? Did I DO THAT!!! The last time I talked to him he told me to never ever contact me again and if I did he would put naked pictures of me on the internet. Not to mention that every-time I crack and do this, he told me "when you call me in a month or two months and tell me I'm a great person and you miss me...I will laugh and erase it" So he was totally expecting me to do that. The last thing I told him was that he was abusive and controlling and I didn't believe he was capable of changing that, I wanted to stay strong to drive that point home. That I wasn't crazy or making it up, that it was bad enough for me to never ever speak to him again.
So in my typical spineless fashion, he never responded to the text and the next day when I saw someone in the condo, I wrote him...Are you in Miami? Another huge mistake because he thinks I'm this bar star that only cares about partying and probably thinks I'm down there going wild. When in reality I barely go out at all now and have completely toned down going out. He never responded to that either. I sent him two texts after trying to explain like, I was in Miami for a job interview and saw someone in his condo and thought maybe it was him etc. Never responded. Then the next day I sent him one apologizing for the texts and that my original intent was to offer support and wished him many blessings.
It was the same thing I had done before. When he pulls away it's like I have to push. I think when I felt that rejection from him again it made me revert to past behaviors. Keep texting, keep trying, keep manipulating till he answers, but wait...I don't want him to answer. If he answers it will be with hateful abusive attacks. He has blamed everything on me since I've met him, I'm sure in his mind he didn't make this team because of me, I guarantee it. Anyways, he never responded and I feel like a jack ass. I wanted to look strong with him for once and stick to my guns. Now I look like the crazy bitch he always said I was, I claim abuse but always come back for more. It just fuels his narssacistic brain even more to convince him of his innocence.
Can anyone offer me some advice? Why did this happen? I had been doing so well. Am i never going to be able to go somewhere that reminds me of him without cracking? Will I ever look like I was a decent, kind hearted person that wasn't making up my complaints about him to him? I am just so upset that I went backwards, I promised I wouldn't do that. It's just driving me crazy that he is probably home right now, 45 mins away and not returning my texts like I'm the scum bag. I feel like crap :(
I went to Miami for my friends birthday last weekend. She just moved into the same building where his parents own a place. I spent probably the most horrific week of my life there with him this past summer where he left me there and I had to fly out alone. It has bad memories and a lot of associations with him. I thought I could handle it, and I knew his parents rarely went so I thought it would be tough but I would pull through it...another test of strength.
Before I went I looked him up on the internet, something I hadn't done either. I found out that he had been released from his NHL team and would most likely be heading back to Russia (where he played for the past two seasons). Some how that opened the flood gates on the compulsion and obsession again. I knew that he would be devastated because this was basically his last shot of having a pro hockey career. I got to Miami and was surrounded with him. Every where I turned. Then we were all sitting by the pool and I saw the sliding door open in there condo, my heart sank into my stomach. Could it be him? Nope, it was his father who I was lucky to see walking around all Saturday. His family lives on the other side of town at home so the chances of running in to them are very slim. It was a horrible feeling to see him. It made me think about him the whole time and started to obsess.
When I first got to the complex it was overwhelming. I started to feel for him and miss him. So I had a couple drinks and decided to text him. The text basically said that I am here for him if he ever needs me because I know he is going through a hard time. WHY WHY WHY WHY???? Did I DO THAT!!! The last time I talked to him he told me to never ever contact me again and if I did he would put naked pictures of me on the internet. Not to mention that every-time I crack and do this, he told me "when you call me in a month or two months and tell me I'm a great person and you miss me...I will laugh and erase it" So he was totally expecting me to do that. The last thing I told him was that he was abusive and controlling and I didn't believe he was capable of changing that, I wanted to stay strong to drive that point home. That I wasn't crazy or making it up, that it was bad enough for me to never ever speak to him again.
So in my typical spineless fashion, he never responded to the text and the next day when I saw someone in the condo, I wrote him...Are you in Miami? Another huge mistake because he thinks I'm this bar star that only cares about partying and probably thinks I'm down there going wild. When in reality I barely go out at all now and have completely toned down going out. He never responded to that either. I sent him two texts after trying to explain like, I was in Miami for a job interview and saw someone in his condo and thought maybe it was him etc. Never responded. Then the next day I sent him one apologizing for the texts and that my original intent was to offer support and wished him many blessings.
It was the same thing I had done before. When he pulls away it's like I have to push. I think when I felt that rejection from him again it made me revert to past behaviors. Keep texting, keep trying, keep manipulating till he answers, but wait...I don't want him to answer. If he answers it will be with hateful abusive attacks. He has blamed everything on me since I've met him, I'm sure in his mind he didn't make this team because of me, I guarantee it. Anyways, he never responded and I feel like a jack ass. I wanted to look strong with him for once and stick to my guns. Now I look like the crazy bitch he always said I was, I claim abuse but always come back for more. It just fuels his narssacistic brain even more to convince him of his innocence.
Can anyone offer me some advice? Why did this happen? I had been doing so well. Am i never going to be able to go somewhere that reminds me of him without cracking? Will I ever look like I was a decent, kind hearted person that wasn't making up my complaints about him to him? I am just so upset that I went backwards, I promised I wouldn't do that. It's just driving me crazy that he is probably home right now, 45 mins away and not returning my texts like I'm the scum bag. I feel like crap :(
I hope you don't feel badly for too long.
It looks to me like you're making progress.
It's hard to break old habits.
It's hard to let go.
It's hardest of all to change 180 degrees.
But you're on your way.
Good for YOU!!!!!
So now, incorporate this lesson into your new history, and move forward. Please take good care of yourself, and be well.
Ilene
Look forget the fact that you reached out to him for now ok...Try to reach out to yourself.
Sit in front of your mirror and look at yourself. And say "I love me" - feel free to kiss your hands and gently cradle your face. Feel love for yourself.
You need to replace all the verbal abuse that your soul has gotten accustomed to hearing with some positive self talk.
And please note that you are also guilty of verbally abusing yourself when you say "I am such a jack***".
so forgive yourself for that. It will get better with time. In the meanwhile try to find something to do to keep yourself busy.
Take care!
I love this-
"So now, incorporate this lesson into your new history, and move forward. Please take good care of yourself, and be well. "
And Nessty- thank you for the support, welcome.
I just want this to end and be over it. I know its probably the years of repetitive behaviors and all the years I handed my power over like a child. Can anyone explain to me why I'm bothered that he didn't call respond to my texts? Why do I care? That's what I can't figure out. I wish I could just get my head on straight and realize how much better I am without him. Thank you for listening :)
Here's my perspective:
When we've been attached to someone, emotionally and sexually ---- REGARDLESS of HOW they've TREATED US!!!! ---- it works in the same way as any addiction.
People who smoke cigarettes know full well that this is probably the absolutely WORST (legal) choice they can make in regards to their physical health.
Cigarettes are also, perhaps, the hardest addiction to break.
I'm going to speculate that destructive relationships live right up there alongside quitting smoking.
Studies show that when we attempt to break an addition or a destructive attachment, an individual will make strides and then relapse an average of half-a-dozen times.
That's often what it takes.
Listen, Sweetie ---- you are making strides. Love yourself for your steps forward. Good for you!!!! Just keep trying.
You're doing GREAT. Much love. . . . . ilene
Just make a new promise not to contact him and put it on your calendar. You will be amazed how those contact-free days go flying...and how much better you will feel.
Hugs to you 'cause i have been there.
The second thing I wanted to say was ... stay away from places that remind you of him. You were doing so well and it seems that going to this place brought memories back (understandably!!). You are doing really well, but will help yourself do better if you keep away from memories as much as possible.
You take care and keep strong !!!
Abusive men tend to brainwash us making us think we need them more than we do- and it's hard to get out of that mindset.
Don't hate yourself. Just pick yourself and move forward. You are so much better than this.
As for getting over not winning? I'm not over it. It still hurts and the rejection feels like a knife going through my heart.
But.... I tell myself how much better off I am. I realize now I am free to find someone who DOES appreciate me. And I realize that I DESERVE so much better. I feel pity for the girl he cheated on me with.
I also take note of the good things in my life that exist- and that I do not need him. I make a point to better myself.
It takes time- I still hurt oh so badly because of this. He doesn't deserve anymore of my attention. What he loved more than anything was to control me. And by giving him anymore time- I am granting him even more control. AND I REFUSE TO DO THAT.
Keep your chin up. You'll be ok.
Yeah, stab in the back.
But you know what? His loss, my gain.
:-)
His not responding feels like a rejection, another nail in his wall of how worthless you are -- but DON'T BELIEVE HIM!! Believe in yourself -- believe that you deserve better, you are better, and it will get easier.
Keep being strong!
I have taken all of you advice and moved on, there isn't much other choice. Also the feeling of rejection and the lowness of being the pathetic texter is not the role I want to play and I can still feel the sting of shame. I just have to keep working on myself- self love, self worth, boundaries, codependency, and my behaviors. I guess that should keep me busy for a while.
I am feeling so much better about him and trying to let go completely. I just wish I could speed up the time, not dream about him, not think about him, not still hear his judgments in the back of my mind. I wish I could speed all that up. Again, thank you for everything. Much love and light :)