Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
[Was thinking today, my thoughts on conditional love versus unconditional love. Conditional love is an uphill battle. You constantly have to prove yourself through positives (gift-giving, constant praise, constant I-love-yous) and negatives (giving up parts of yourself to prove your loyalty and commitment to that person).
Just like pumping air into a damaged bicycle tire, as llenw mentioned, or pushing a boulder uphill only to have it roll downwards again.
We all do this sometimes. It is hard because we see love as something tangible in our commercialized world. Instant gratification. A pat on the back. Anger--I am not loved versus happiness and giving--I am loved. We have to desensitize our minds from this. Especially since many of us have faced conditional love either from our partners or parents. The "do this or else I'll be angry/withold affection/sulk/hold the relationship hostage" sort of mentality.
For example when he got mad at me and showed me his anger, I "conditionally" reacted and told my parents. I did break his trust in the end after hung up on me and put me down when I told my parents. Which ended the relationship. For better or for worse. Yes at that moment I was wrong I suppose, but I knew if I talked to him I would just get that I am the one at fault. He would justify his anger and name-calling or quickly change the subject or call me sensitive. And I would believe it. And it would be the same cycle.
Versus unconditional love. Where even if there are fights or mistakes or disagreements, you strive to give out of acts of love without expectation of return, without strings attached, without fear of losing yourself or the other person's trust, or the fall in the relationship.
Which is why my ex was always doubting our relationship, saying to break it over minor issues and disagreements, he is not worth it, because of his deeply rooted insecurity and inability to love himself, therefore was UNABLE to love unconditionally. I was his supply, to help him complete his incomplete self, rather than a whole person to be respected and loved as I am. Completely as I am. So even changing my profile picture on Facebook from the one he liked to a different one was not out of spite to him, or when my honesty was constantly used against me.
With my ex, I gave myself (I wouldn't call it love) unconditionally. I didn't care what he gave me, I cared for him as a person with his own mind and own values and own opinions and tastes. I would only hesitate when he would impose his truth on my truth and say my truth was wrong and I do not know better.
He loved conditionally. Which is grounded in insecure foundations.
Everything had to be tangible. Which is why during arguments he would bring up the past and call names and put me down, and then sulk and ask if I still loved him. When I asked to move the wedding date, he thought that meant I didn't love him. When I didn't text him, he thought I was giving other things priorities. When I went out with my friends, he became insecure.
His definition of love was grounded on the idea of completing what was missing for him rather than a holistic love which accepts the person as they are--no monetary value attached, no "look what I did for you" or "look how much this was" and guilt tripping.
I feel like I've learned a lot about human behavior and love over the past incident.
One shouldnt have to dress a certain way to be loved, or give up their views and interests and dreams. That is not love. It is silicone infatuation, attachment.
It is immature longing. Not love.
It is a craving. Not love.
It is parasitical, not love.
It is abuse, not love.
Just like pumping air into a damaged bicycle tire, as llenw mentioned, or pushing a boulder uphill only to have it roll downwards again.
We all do this sometimes. It is hard because we see love as something tangible in our commercialized world. Instant gratification. A pat on the back. Anger--I am not loved versus happiness and giving--I am loved. We have to desensitize our minds from this. Especially since many of us have faced conditional love either from our partners or parents. The "do this or else I'll be angry/withold affection/sulk/hold the relationship hostage" sort of mentality.
For example when he got mad at me and showed me his anger, I "conditionally" reacted and told my parents. I did break his trust in the end after hung up on me and put me down when I told my parents. Which ended the relationship. For better or for worse. Yes at that moment I was wrong I suppose, but I knew if I talked to him I would just get that I am the one at fault. He would justify his anger and name-calling or quickly change the subject or call me sensitive. And I would believe it. And it would be the same cycle.
Versus unconditional love. Where even if there are fights or mistakes or disagreements, you strive to give out of acts of love without expectation of return, without strings attached, without fear of losing yourself or the other person's trust, or the fall in the relationship.
Which is why my ex was always doubting our relationship, saying to break it over minor issues and disagreements, he is not worth it, because of his deeply rooted insecurity and inability to love himself, therefore was UNABLE to love unconditionally. I was his supply, to help him complete his incomplete self, rather than a whole person to be respected and loved as I am. Completely as I am. So even changing my profile picture on Facebook from the one he liked to a different one was not out of spite to him, or when my honesty was constantly used against me.
With my ex, I gave myself (I wouldn't call it love) unconditionally. I didn't care what he gave me, I cared for him as a person with his own mind and own values and own opinions and tastes. I would only hesitate when he would impose his truth on my truth and say my truth was wrong and I do not know better.
He loved conditionally. Which is grounded in insecure foundations.
Everything had to be tangible. Which is why during arguments he would bring up the past and call names and put me down, and then sulk and ask if I still loved him. When I asked to move the wedding date, he thought that meant I didn't love him. When I didn't text him, he thought I was giving other things priorities. When I went out with my friends, he became insecure.
His definition of love was grounded on the idea of completing what was missing for him rather than a holistic love which accepts the person as they are--no monetary value attached, no "look what I did for you" or "look how much this was" and guilt tripping.
I feel like I've learned a lot about human behavior and love over the past incident.
One shouldnt have to dress a certain way to be loved, or give up their views and interests and dreams. That is not love. It is silicone infatuation, attachment.
It is immature longing. Not love.
It is a craving. Not love.
It is parasitical, not love.
It is abuse, not love.
brokenpieces1990
This is so very true, everything that you said! I found out the hard way that the love was one-sided. I loved my ex completely unconditionally to the point that I gave up friends and family members for her. I loved her so much that I honestly lived and breathed for her and would easily and swiftly choose to die to save her life if I had to. I found out that her love, though, was conditional. Everything was fine as long as I did what she told me to do, kept my mother whom she hated out of my life, and let her control the finances. It sucks because we really were soulmates and now I have to learn to live without her, but I cannot go back to someone who loves me with strings attached. Very true post!
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