Hi,
You cannot help him when he is abusing you. Then you need to help yourself. But it's not about helping him. It's about being in a loving, emphatic relationship.
You cannot base a relationship on sympathy. And he sounds very childish to me.
He could have not abused you, it's also an option. And if he can switch it on and off, why didn't he switch it off? He continues criticizing you while begging you to stay in a very strange way.

Wayne Dyer says if you want things to change, change how you see things. Of course that takes time and many times, a lot of therapy. I know it's hard to do that. But it can be done.

I was married to someone who was/is an abusive narcissistic alcoholic with some degree of borderline personality disorder and a with a few sociopathic tendencies thrown in. I was always trying to fix/help him, me and us as a couple. I later realized that I was doing both of us and the relationship a total disservice. Because I was doing it, I caused the relationship to drag out way longer than it should have lasted and I caused him and myself great pain.

Just because someone has a mental/emotional/addiction disorder(s) doesn't mean they:

1. can be fixed (the ONLY person we can 'fix' is ourselves) and

2. should be excused for their abusive actions. And those disorders have at least one thing in common to abuse - they all suck the life out of us physically, mentally emotionally and spiritually.

What happens when we live with someone who has a mental or emotional or addiction disorder is we also become dysfunctional. That's because we are trying to cope and most of us don't have the training or knowledge to do it in a healthy way. So we become as sick as they are, even tho it's not in the same ways.

My therapist suggested that just like with an addict, we:
cannot change them
cannot cure them
did not cause them to behave that way

She also suggested that if we try to change or fix them, we are doing them a total disservice by not letting them 'hit rock bottom.' She went on to say that we are each on our own chosen journey. If we interfere w/another person's journey, we are 'rescuing' them and not allowing them to have their own life and learn from having to deal with the consequences of their actions.

Doing anything else is codependent on our part.

The thing about codependence is that everyone has a different definition. Here's mine simplified (based on my training & education):

Codependence is

1. when we do for others to our own detriment and

2. when we try to change others and/or affect their life outcomes instead of our own. This is, of course, very simplistic, but it's also very true.

Therapy with the right QUALIFIED therapist really helps a lot. It also helps to understand codependence and how it fits into what is called The Victim Triangle (also known as the drama triangle).

There's a good book that addresses both of these. "Breaking Free from the Victim Trap" by Diane Zimberoff. I highly recommend it to get a good understanding of the victim triangle and how we all move around just changing positions.

Your OP is a perfect example of being on the Victim Triangle.

In his call, he placed you in the "persecutor" role and himself in the "victim" role. He then flipped to "persecutor" by blaming you for caring so much about religion. Then he flipped back to "victim" with the 'how could you betray me?" That put you back into persecutor (for him) and you moved into the "rescuer" role. Feeling guilty also puts you in the "victim" role.

Actually all roles come from the "victim" position. But, as I said, we all move around the triangle hundreds of times a day. It's amazing to see how we fit in and move around.

And the cool thing is that we can choose to STEP OFF any time we want. My therapist says that we're never to the point where we don't visit the triangle, lol. But that is OUR CHOICE to do so and decide on how long we stay.

This has helped me tremendously. It took a good long while, but it's been worth the time and effort.

~healing hugs~

Some great stuff already.

What also helped me was to fully and honestly examine my motives for wanting to "fix" my exes. Yes, I believe I'm a nice person and want to help people, but if I'm really honest, it was deeper than that too and stemmed ultimately from my own insecurities. It's difficult to fully explain, but in simple terms, I didn't believe I was truly lovable, and had never experienced genuine unconditional love (my family of origin was, like many here, also dysfunctional). And so, without realising it, I was hoping to "fix" my then partner in hopes that he would be forever grateful, which was the same thing as love. Except I couldn't, he wasn't and it isn't.

Also, one of the things that many of us have complained of when it comes to our abusers is how they try to change us, to control and mold our behaviours and even our emotions. In trying to "fix" someone, we are trying to do much the same thing, albeit for different (and much more loving) reasons. By constantly reminding myself that I cannot ever change someone else, and nor do I have any right to try, no matter what my motives, I have finally stopped trying to fix people. It doesn't mean I no longer help anyone, but I now let them set the parameters - where they want help, I will do everything I can (subject of course, to taking care of myself). But if someone doesn't want help, then I must accept that what I am seeing as a flaw or a problem is not something they wish changed. At that point, I either accept that it is not a big deal to me, or I walk away. I have flaws too, but if I'm ever to be loved, I want someone to love me with (not in spite of) my flaws, because my flaws are as much a part of who I am as my virtues. I will work hard to fix (or at least lessen) those flaws I see, but that's my job, nobody else's. And in the same way, it's your ex's job to fix his flaws if he wants to do so.

I hope that made some sense, and please don't for a moment think I'm being critical or calling you abusive. You're not.

Codependents Anonymous helped me realize that some of the reasons I picked "wounded" partners, was:
1.I could find someone more f'ed up than me - and somehow feel "better than"
2. I could focus all my energy on "fixing" his problems, and hence, never deal with my own issues and feel "better than" and powerful. (I could heal the sick.)
3. I got a lot of attention and sympathy from others by being a "victim"

Many people have had a friend or acquaintance that is up in everyone else's business, constantly making judgments and telling others what they should do. It is a method for people like that to continue to deny and evade dealing with their own issues.

I am not saying this is what is going on for you, we are all different, but for me, with facing the above possibilities and therapy, and hard work on my own issues, my choices in partners and even just friends improved.

Honey, I am so glad you brought this up. I have been going through the exact same thing with my guy. I am the exact same way, it is SO hard for me to see people as "bad" instead of just "broken", and I give the benefit of the doubt to everyone which allows us to get into a lot of situations that are bad for us - but is still a beautiful thing and a gift if we use it in the right way.

You need to know that this is a typical and expected behavior from him, and from an abusive person. I want to echo Sidi's point - we can NOT base a relationship on sympathy, and my guy has also continued criticizing me while apologizing periodically and has recently tried completely throwing himself tears and all at me. This is a VERY hard thing for people like us to deal with. Just know that this does not in any way negate the abuse you have experienced, and in fact this is a form of abuse on it's own. It is continued emotional manipulation. They look for people like us, and they use our powerful sense of empathy against us because they need our supply.

DON'T fall for it, and don't let it get to you. I am right there with you girl, it is HARD. I was with my guy for 6 years. I know.

Thank you all for your advice and healing words. Means a lot.