You do what you are already doing. You work on your exit plan and you get them counselling and you show them love and that you are a safe place.

I can barely begin to imagine your pain and fear - but you ARE doing the right things. The fact she said it is a good sign - because she is testing to see if you really are a safe place. Just keep loving her and reassuring her.

From personal experience when I was her age, I wouldn't say something like that unless I was thinking about it (which I was at that time). This doesn't mean she has a plan...I think she is just trying to reach out to say she is hurting.

I think one of the best things you can do for her is listen. Be calm even if she says something that freaks you out then talk to someone else to work out anything troubling she's told you. Reassure her, comfort her. I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents and this just made my situation worse.

Let her know how much she is important to you despite all the other things that are competing for your attention. Your talk tonight was an awesome way for her to feel connected to you and special. Good for you!

She needs your reassurance that she won't be taken away. She's throwing out the worst thing she can think of to test that. As the others have said, you are doing the rights things. Continue to talk to her and love her and keep the lines of communication open. You might also mention it to her counselor too so the counselor knows it's out there.

I want to say that I do agree with Godis too. I did think about it at her age (didn't plan to do it, never got that far, just thought about it), but didn't have the courage to mention it to my parents. And just as well too - when I did finally say something to my father about wanting to kill myself, his response was "oh everybody thinks that in their teens", he walked away and that was the end of that.

Please don't think that because she said it, she's one step away from attempting it. Yes, it's a horrible thing for a parent to hear and it shouldn't be just dismissed as nothing - but it's better to hear it when she's tossing it out there, and when you already have counselling lined up, than when/if it went further.

Great replies already.

Sweet, that must have been so scary, but I agree with 'keep doing what you are doing'. You are a fantastic, loving mother! You talk to your kids, and the fact that your daughter said something like that to you proves how open she feels she can be with you. Keep showing them that they can talk to you about anything, and you will all get there.

Huge hugs xxx

That is very scary. I agree with the posts here. You are doing the right thing. Love her, reassure her, and get her into counseling. That is the best you can do and that is all you can ever expect from yourself. It will be OK.

Thank you everybody. I feel like I'm going to be overreacting every time she looks down our anxious. Honestly I struggled with whether to say anything to my h, but ultimately decided not to because he has a tendency to make everything worse. Once our younger daughter sprained her ankle at a birthday party. She was about 8, she's always been overweight, and she struggled with the crutches. Rather than being sympathetic, he engaged in such a horrible attack on her verbally, teasing and saying things about if she wasn't so damn fat she'd be able to walk on them, even laughing when she almost fell trying to navigate our rickety porch steps. The more I said something to him, the MORE he teased. So...I thought this might be another parenting thing that was better handled without him. You guys are my rock. Thanks.

I think I'm going to call her counselor today just to give her a heads up. I'm feeling horrible because honestly I don't know why I haven't thought about the fact that she has always gotten the brunt of her sister's meanness. In addition to everything else in our house. I laid awake most of last night again thinking about how much I wish I had stayed gone the first time I left. I used to think financially they were better off, that we were safer than if I truly fought him to stay gone, that it wasn't that bad for them because he very rarely said anything to them. I was a fool. They deserve so much better than this crap!!!

First of all, please, please, PLEASE don't say anything to your H. If she truly is thinking about something so horrible, he is the reason. To tell him and have him attack her for it would be a betrayal of the trust she has shown in you by opening up.

Secondly, don't beat yourself up. You have been dealing with SO very much, and you have done the best you could to protect and provide for your children. And you are doing even more now, by making your plans and following through with them.

Please don't panic about this. Just listen to her, show her you love her.

Hon -----

You're right to NOT
say anything to HIM.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's NOTHING
he would say or do
that would benefit
the situation.

Yes, I'd tell the counselor
that she said it, and the
context in which she said
it.

For the record, at 16, I
had suicidal-like thoughts.

At that point, I was in a
social-financial class
and a family system
in which I had absolutely
no support from anyone.
(And still, I'm here, nearly
old and gray.)

While we know now, to
take a mention of suicidal
thoughts seriously, you
have taken every step to
ensure that your children
are safe and sound. And
now you are putting the
pieces in place to escape
SAFELY.

It's easy to understand that
you're looking back and feeling
regrets. Please don't beat yourself
up! You did what you did to stay
safe. And you will do the same
thing, now. Keep doing what
you're doing!!!!!

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
all happy things.

As for you overreacting (which you are correct - it won't help her) be confident in what a good thing it is that she told you. Admitting thoughts of suicide, even in passing, is one of the most vulnerable and raw things a person can admit. For one so young, so insecure, so put-upon to trust you with that knowledge... that is a huge leap of faith. That's how much she trusts you. I would tell the counsellor, but more than that, I'd tell her that you're going to tell the counsellor. Assure her that it's just to be safe, and that whenever she has more she'd like to share with you, you're more focused on keeping her safe, and being there for her than you are interested in ratting her out or mocking her for it.

And tell her how much you appreciate her sharing it with you. Make sure she knows that even if you react with horror, it's at the thought of not having her with you, and not at her for having such thoughts. And listen, listen, listen. Listen like a dog. Don't judge, don't argue, don't advise, don't doubt. Listen to what she needs to say, and use an attitude of learning. You're learning about her, from the foremost expert on the subject. She knows more about her than you do. So listen and learn. And then thank her for sharing such intimate thoughts with you.

This discussion has set off all my "bells and whistles" so to speak. I jumped from 0 to 100mph instantly. I am too close to the situation to give objective advice. So I will state 6 facts about my own experience.

Between 2009 and 2012, my sister in law and niece threatened suicide a total of 6 times between the two of them. Every time they threatened to do it...they did it.

I think my situation was not typical.

I agree the best thing is to talk to a counselor about how YOU feel. Take care of yourself and talk about your daughter's statement at the same time.

Be well.

Bax makes a great point- telling her you are going to (or did) talk to the counselor. You can tell your daughter that you are doing this because you feel ill equipped to know what to say and you want to give her all the support she needs (I find support a more positive term than help in this instance). This is also beneficial so that your daughter can see you as more human (meaning a regular person and not someone who always has all the answers, which kids want their parents to be). This will also help her if she doesn't feel you "get it" at times and can recall what you said and not take offense and give you the benefit of the doubt.

Keep us updated!

I just want to thank all of you for your advice and support. Ended up having to work really late last night and didn't get chance to post. My daughter and I talked for a long time today when I got off. I shared with her my fears and my love for and support of her. I tried to show that I understand how frustrated, hurt, and confused all three of them are, and that I am so sorry they have been put in this situation. I also tried to make it clear that counseling for each of us is designed to help us get stronger as a whole, as well as individually. I know it is going to take awhile for them to trust that things are really going to change this time....they've heard it all before, many times, but I hope that in time they will be able to see and feel the changes. She seemed to be at least satisfied with our talk, but time will tell. In the meantime I am watching her like a hawk :-)