I knew it was coming, so I don't know why I let it surprise or hurt me, or even piss me off for that matter. Holidays are always a "delicate" time in our household--at least they have been since I became ensnared in this relationship. Usually I just go with the flow and try to make the best of a bad situation in the hopes that my kids will at least enjoy their holiday. This time, I seriously want to kill him--okay, maybe I wouldn't go that far, no need to alert the authorities, but I really just cannot believe this selfish, self-righteous asshole this time. I just have to vent here and I am so sorry and thankful at the same time that all of you are here to listen.

I have already established that he makes easily three times the amount of money I do, however gifts, clothing, food, daycare, my own personal expenses, etc. have always been my responsibility. That's just the way it is and I know this. He will come through at the eleventh hour with some token gift for the kids--whatever I couldn't afford to get them because I ran out of money. This year I have spent way more than I have to spend, as usual. I have bought every gift for every person we have to buy for--between the two of us, there are 16 nieces and nephew (I've just bought them very small, inexpensive things, but it still adds up); four children (we have two together, I have one, and he has a 20 year old daughter I have met three times); three sets of parents and steps; and one another (we don't buy for our siblings because there are just too many people). I have even spent more for him than I ordinarily would have because of the veiled insulting comments he has made about "how little" and useless his gifts always are. Last year I spent $70 on a pair of steel toed boots for him and he is still complaining about how cheap they were today!!! Anyway, he told me that he would be the one to buy these boots the girls want since he hasn't bought anything else. Well last night, he asks me if I bought the girls' boots for them. I told him that No I didn't because he said he was going to buy those. He sneered at me and told me that he wasn't stupid enough to give me money since he knows I will just lie about how much I spent on them and he wants me to buy them and he will reimburse me. Honestly, I don't have the $200 left over to buy the boots on the off chance that he will actually come through with the money in the end, so I told him I would ride up with him to the store and help him pick the right ones. Of course that wasn't good enough as he is a busy man and doesn't have time to do that so he wanted me to just go get them today.

Now, I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that my tags have been dead on my car since Dec.1. I haven't had the money to renew them. In addition, I have a brake light out and my tag lights are out, and for the past month and some time, my car has been making funny noises and it seems as if something is broken that is holding the tires on. He was supposed to have another car for me to drive in October, which is why I was never that concerned about renewing my tags anyway. Silly me. When I told him I would have to take one of the five other cars (okay, it's really only four) that sit in our driveway taking up space he began to yell at me that I was not touching anything he owns since I am so hard on cars. I need to suck it up and pay off my tags; what do I think that anyone rides for free! So, last night I paid my registration online and bought a brake light today which I just need to find someone to fix.

Anyway, I am just so sick of him. I actually believe in my heart that I freaking hate him; so much that if he were having a heart attack in front of me I think I would step over him on my way out the door. I am so angry, with him of course, but with me even more for believing that he will ever be anything more than the selfish prick he is and has always been!! I don't know why this year this is hitting me so hard--it's like this all the time, but I am fed up. Thanks for being here guys!!