I too have always buried feelings. Now I am learning to deal with them and it's difficult. I don't really know how to answer your question except feel your feelings. The people who love you will love you even if you have a bad day. My therapist has told me not to forget the anger at them. It has helped me stay away from him. I hope this helps.

I am new here, don't know your situation well although I have read your journal posts. I would suggest that you have a lot of pent up anger that when you let yourself feel it, you feel like you're going to explode. If you are not still in therapy, I would suggest you get in some. You need to vent. If you are in therapy, then find a new therapist...the one you have is not helping you deal with this. It is normal to be angry, and healthy but if you are having trouble managing to keep it out of you other relationships, that's a slippery slop. I admit...because I was controlled by my ex for so long I have a shorter fuse with my boss or anyone who "tries to tell me what to do" or asks me for anything I don't want to give. But I usually still manage to do the fake smile and nod if I know its something I have to do (work for example). If you don't think therapy will help, then if you can, maybe you should consider getting out. That's what I had to do because staying was killing me! Good luck and hugs.

I would agree with Andrea to feel your feelings but I would also add that for the sake of your friendships it is best to channel that anger to where it belongs.

I have not had rage/anger issues per se but my sister has big time. She is also in an abusive marriage which I now realize is why she has gotten so angry. It kinda the poo running downhill. He is a jerk to her then she lashes out at her kids or anyone else who dare crosses her path. (Not saying this is your way of dealing with it)

I have had moments where I've gotten angry with my cat (don't have kids) and I know it was bc my H was being abusive toward me but i didn't feel I could be honest with my feelings so I stuffed them. Stuffing is what led me (and my sister) to get angry. You can't get upset with your abuser but your feelings of injustice don't go away. It took me much longer to get over deep feelings when I told myself I "shouldn't" feel certain things. I felt bad for feeling them then was angry that I couldn't feel them....you know the drill. Finally I never said the "should" word to myself but instead acknowledged, "yes, this is how I feel!" Allowing myself to be angry made me less angry. When I say "allow" what I mean is owning the feeling, not allowing myself to act on it impulsively.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think the irritability and anger are unusual for people dealing with abuse. The key is to manage that anger productively so you don't hurt yourself or others.

When I get wound up and irritated I journal or talk to God honestly about my feelings. When I was younger I got mad at my parents a lot (they weren't healthy with me) and a friend gave me some clay pigeons which I threw against my walls to vent anger then covered up the walls with posters. I had A LOT of posters. :-)

I don't mean this to sound trite but I have also found it very therapeutic to release energy through exercising. Going for a brisk walk or something like that. This doesn't deal with the root but it helps get rid of that pent up toxicity.

I know journaling isn't very everyone but I can't recommend it enough. Write your anger out in detail. I think you might be surprised at what you uncover once you start writing.

Something else I have found for myself is when I got to the root of my anger, most often I was angry with myself for allowing myself to be treated poorly. I was mad at myself for not knowing how to stand up or having the courage to do so. Anger turned inward is what often leads to depression also.

I'm sorry you are struggling sweet, but I commend you for realizing it and wanting to change it! That is a huge step in a healthy direction. Many people go their whole lives without ever wanting to change.

What you're describing
is totally typical and normal
as an aftereffect of having
been abused.

To function effectively in the world,
you need to find a qualified therapist
whose specialty is recovery from
abuse and/or trauma, to
properly and successfully
PROCESS
the emotional debris that
is causing you distress.

Journaling can help.
SELF-CARE is NECESSARY.

A qualified professional
is likely to be your
most effective path
through the swamp
you need to navigate.

Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.

sweet... I can relate to what you are going through.. I am going through that now. Carry on like everything is fine... when I do this, everything is fine. As long as I don't share my feelings with him or discuss anything that he can't do anything about then we get along fine. I am in one room and he is in another room watching TV.. we keep to ourselves. We do not have a marriage, we seem more like room mates.

Counseling is helping me a LOT. My counselor is bringing up things that I did not want to face but I am glad I am addressing it. The abuse has not happen in about 20 years but never knew how much it affected me until now and until I took a step back and begin to see my marriage or lack there of as it really is. My suggestion to you would be counseling. I highly doubt you can get through this without professional help.. its WAY TOO HARD. Its hard with counseling - I cannot imagine getting through this without it.

I want to say thank you to all of you for responding. I am feeling a little bit better today. I remember these days from before; the thing is before I would just bury the feelings and sort of go numb. I know that this doesn't work because here I still am. Eventually, I get tired of being totally discounted and treated as if nothing about me really matters, nor do my children, which alternates with being treated like worse than some stranger on the side of the road who is trying to steal from him. That is when the hopeless feelings start, which then become incredible rage. Anyway, I do appreciate the advice.

Ilene, I do agree that counseling is probably warranted at this point--for me and for my children. The question is, where do I find a qualified therapist? Any ideas?

I have learned the importance of finding a counselor who specializes in abuse. I see now why that is so important in how the counselor handles issues.

There a some sites that are a google of sorts for therapists. You can see specialties to find ones that relate to your specific issues that are affecting you and your kids. Here is one for instance.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/