hi.it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life,but are recieving very little support from your partner.
he should be contributing fairly to the bills and helping you with things,like your childrns welfare.
he has no right to demand sex whenever he chooses.it sounds as though you are putting all the effort into the relationship whilst he is sitting back and reaping the benefits.
at least you have us to chat with.im sorry your husband is so unsupportive-what do you think would happen if you challenged him about his behaviour-do you think that is possible,or are things to far gone to try work out between you
x

abusers need to keep us jam packed busy so that we have neither the time nor the energy to fight back, or leave, or deal with the issues at hand.

like you, my abuser got to sit back while I did everything around the house, in fear of getting in trouble if it wasn't done properly or if I didn't get to something..

the house had to be perfect. if the kids did something bad, it was my fault, why couldn't I keep the house as clean as some of his friends wives (who had brand new houses, brand new furniture, and didn't have kids..) why wasn't dinner ready..why was I so irresponsible..

now that I've left him, all of those horrible chores that stressed me out so much are now just things that I can do or choose not to do..

for years I had lost pride in my home and got to a point where I didn't care anymore, because it was never done for myself-just for him, and he wouldn't take the kids out even for an hour so that I could get things done..so I had to have a super clean house while nursing a baby and dealing with a three year old..

oh man, it makes me so mad even remembering it!!

now, if I don't clean the bathroom, the only person to get annoyed by it is me-my kids could care less.

if I don't feel like making supper, I can take the kids out for sushi, and no one gets mad at me..in fact, they're delighted..

none of that terrible rush when you look at the clock and know that you're husband is on his way home, and you run around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get everything done..

and when I go to bed at night, there's no one pressuring me for sex..

well, ok, that part kind of sucks.. I wouldn't mind a LITTLE pressure..

Wow, you have so much on your plate. You ARE superwoman! Which begs the question: What do you need him for?

My life is similar. The more I have to cope with and the less support I get, the more i am determined to leave.

(((hugs))) L4S

What L4S said.

I also remember those days. And I remember worrying about how I would possibly cope with everything as a single mother. Then I became a single mother and realised just how much easier it was. I had so much less to do, and everything I did have to do was easier because I was under so much less stress. My son was better behaved, because HE was also less stressed, which again made my life easier.

It's not a perfect solution, but it sure beats just suffering the problem.

I just thought too ... people often tell me now how amazing I am because I manage on my own. It almost makes me laugh, because managing on my own, while hard sometimes, is a total walk in the park compared to managing when I had a "partner".

What they said. I worried how I would cope without my ex. He made me cut my hours at work so I was dependent on him, I was the main carer for his 2 kids getting them to and from school etc, him, I did all his housework, shopping etc, whilst looking after my own son, my own shopping, housework...
Now Im on my own with my son, Im not working any more hours but have more money, I have much more time because I dont have to do anything for him or his kids, clean his house. When you consider all that, AND Im free from abuse, I just wonder why I stayed for so long
We are all superwomen

I love this thread. You guys are right, we really are super women and we definitely don't need some loser dragging us down with all his whining.

Sweet I'm sorry to hear everything you are going through. I know your husband probably makes it near impossible to please everyone in the family with cooking but do you think a gluten and lactose free diet might help both children?

Good luck and stay strong.

We are superwomen, you guys are right--so again, logically we know we can make it so much better without them (it's the irrational part of my brain I'm battling with right now!) As for the diet, I'm sure it would work wonders, and I'm working on trying to find ways to make it "secret" from him. When the kids were younger, we were sent to a nutritionist because they all had high cholesterol. Of course, this was MY fault. However, when I changed their diet he would deliberately come in with McDonald's food for them (something he never did and has not done since) because he knew they couldn't have it. He would intentionally bring home donuts or sugary sweets because they weren't allowed to have it, and laugh at me when I would say something (before he got angry and violent over me daring to question him being "nice" to his children). That was only the tip of the iceberg of the mean things he did to me, but I should have left then realizing he would not hesitate to harm his own children in an effort to undermine and abuse me. Now that our youngest is severely overweight and the middle child has suffered through a lifetime (her lifetime anyway) of digestive troubles, I am still trying to cut things out in secret, so he doesn't have the opportunity to sabotage them, but it isn't so easy when I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle constantly. And of course, when I mention something it is always MY fault that things are the way they are, so I just stopped talking to him about anything at all.

I agree with everyone, especially Rachelrachel. They do keep us so busy and chaotic that it's hard to know which end is up. This is not normal. Gosh, it brings back such awful memories and I hate it for everyone still in the abusive relationship.

Glad I read this post as I was having second thoughts about leaving in November. If I can make it by doing everything when he is here that I WILL be able to keep going when he is not.

people tell me I am so strong...No, I am not, I am week for not just changing the locks, leaving his suitcase in front of house....the police said they could arrest me because it also is his house. I do not like the police. there were 2 that were compasionate, so I guess, a few are, but most of them aren't...where the hell is my lawyer, it has been a month already, and feel that if something doesn't come thru, I will fire him, I gave him 5G a month ago, wonder if I would get anything back...I seriously want him to leave, my stomach is getting worse and worse.
he keeps saying he doesn't see g/f for a year this time, but I just found new things (clothes), and he POINTS it out to me, and says he doesn't know how or why they are there. Is there some kind of law out there that says he is tormenting me..

Joycw

To sweet and omg and others who are afraid of how they will cope if they leave, I will say what I often say: anyone who can survive with an abuser can and will THRIVE without one.

You are definitely superwoman!

I have/had a similar situation. I used to break down crying because I couldn't do everything. He would always promise that he would do more to help out, and that never happened until we separated. Now that we're back together again, he does things to help when I specifically ask him to...

You know, my mom told me one time, "You've basically been a single mom for 5 years with 3 kids (including D), so what makes you think that it wouldn't be easier without him? Then you would be a single mom with only 2 kids that are a lot easier to deal with and less demanding."

Hey Sweet,
You wrote the post about him sabotaging your car. I was just going to respond to this post when I realized that I had just replied to your other post. That was enough all on it's own to say get out of there. Now there is all this too. He won't even allow you to have a decent car and it is you that has a responsible job and needs good transportation. You deserve way better than this. He is a total user and abuser. As I said on the other post, please leave, have a plan and please do not warn him you are leaving. I wish you the best luck in the world. You deserve a happy life.